Sunday night in the ER...no more twins :-(

I had had some brown spotting since Tuesday (Christmas) but my RE said it was nothing to worry about. Then yesterday I had some bright red flow with clots. DH and I got right over to my local ER. They brought us right back into a room and we waited for the u/s tech to be paged and get to the hospital. She arrived three hours later. I was losing my mind as I'm sure you can imagine.

They then gave me a trans-vag and trans-abdom. u/s. They could still see an embaby in there but it looked like there was no sign of a twin anywhere and that could have caused my bleeding. My hCG isn't doubling as it should and that could also be a result of the dying twin. I hope so anyway. I'm a nervous wreck that this pgncy remains viable and my last little embaby stays put.

I'm still spotting a bit today and it's still bright red. I have a call into my RE and he'll decide if he wants to see me before my appt this Friday. Please keep all of your wonderful prayers coming that all goes well from here on out. It's so scary.

How do I calm down??

As many of you know about me, I have had 2 losses in the past 12 months. This is PG #3 for me this year and I'm a total basket case that I'm going to m/c again. How can I cope with this? I was just at my RE two days ago and everything looked great but I just can't shake this feeling that things will go terribly wrong again.

I run to the bathroom at every inkling that I feel spotting/AF and I examine the TP for any signs of spotting. I get nervous whenever I feel cramping (which I know is normal).

I just want to enjoy being pregnant. I want to get excited about it but I'm afraid. DH bought me a little onesie yesterday and I have it hanging so I can see it but it still makes my stomach go into knots thinking I'll have to pack it away in a week or so (like the last two times). It's so hard to hold out hope. I wish I could get an u/s everyday to ease my mind. I know, that's totally OCD but I'm sure some of you know how I feel.

How did you ladies deal with this???

First u/s today...*maybe* twins??!!!

I went for my first u/s this morning and we most definitely saw one perfect little black hole with a perfect little yolk sac inside it. Then we saw another smaller black hole. The nurse guessed it wasn't viable, but my RE said he'd give us a 20% chance that it will continue to grow. I could use some great baby dust ladies!!

I haven't posted in a few days so I'll give a quick recap. As you can imagine we had a great Christmas since we got awesome betas a few days ago. We have only told our parents and one set of siblings on each side. It's hard keeping the secret, but it's even harded to tell of a m/c so we're keeping our lips sealed this time, at least until 12 weeks (not that that is totally a safe zone). I'm just 5w 3d today so we still have almost 2 months to bask in the glory of our little secret for now. It will be tough to avoid drinking in public on NYE so we'll have to be crafty in hiding my virgin drinks from nosey family members.

I've been feeling fine except for a few moments a day of being light-headed. My RE said this morning that I just need to be sure to always be full of healthy foods since the placenta is now starting to draw nutrition from my body. Honestly though, I think it's my nerves. I've been a basket case since I got my BFP. Don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED to be PG but SCARED TO DEATH that I'm going to lose this one too. It would be my third in a year. Ugh.

Wait, scratch that...I'm thinking positively now...THE THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM :D

I know, I know, I was being ridiculous!

I got the call from my nurse and my beta doubled perfectly!!! It's 213 \. So apparently, my "wet dream" had no ill effects. LOL. Thanks ladies for all of your support. Now you can all chime in with a resounding "WE TOLD YOU SO!!" :D

I go back on 12/27 for an u/s and hopefully we'll get great news and be able to see a little sac, or two.

I finished all of my Christmas shopping last night and went out to dinner with my Mom. I told her the great news and she almost climbed over the table to hug me. My Dad had a work meeting so he couldn't be there and I just couldn't hold my secret till I saw them together this weekend. So we called my Dad on speakerphone after dinner and his first question was "how many??" I told him we won't know until next week and I think he was a little bummed...he's DYING for twins. He knows my Mom will be a baby-hog so he wants to be sure there is an "extra" baby for him to hold too. LOL.

As you can imagine, I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief.

I seriously believe that my orgasms had something to do with my 2 m/c's. My first BFP was Dec. 06 and we didn't have sex during my 2ww. That was the first time we tried that method in our year of TTC. Then, a week after my BFP I finally gave in to DH (:D) and had the Big O. The next day I started spotting and went on to m/c. I didn't think there was a connection at the time so I continued to have the Big O during all of my 2ww's.

Then, my second IVF I abstained again from all Big O's...BFP!! We didn't have sex for like 6 weeks total. Then, as many of us TTTC'ers experience, I had one in my sleep on a Sunday night. That Monday I went to my RE and there was no HB at 8w 4d.

So I began to think that orgasms might have something to do with it.

Now, I just got my BFP after my FET and again on Sunday night I had a Big O in my sleep. I went for my first beta yesterday and it was 103. I don't feel any more cramping like I did for the week prior and I don't have one single solitary sympton.

I'm scared to death to get my second beta tomorrow for fear that I caused another m/c.

How I told DH

I had to pee super bad Saturday morning around 5 am. I didn't want to waste my FMU so I took that time to POAS. I used the digital test I was saving so that there was no denying it. DH swears the two lines have to be the same darkness so he debates me on "faint BFP's" LOL. So, I was thrilled to see the little window read "Pregnant". I then hid the test since we still had a few hours of sleeping left. When DH FINALLY woke up and went to brush his teeth, I put the test stick in a mini stocking and left it on his pillow. When he came out of the bathroom he was like "ooh, and early Christmas present for me. Yeah!" And I was like, well, this is for both of us. He got a confused look on his face and was just like "OPEN IT ALREADY!!!!". Geesh!!!! So he looked at the stick as just started laughing, giggling almost. He was so cute. He used our commonly used term "I'm cautiously optimistic but still very excited!!" I was giddy myself. So he then took the stocking and hung it on our railing with our other regular stockings. It's so cute hanging there :-)

BFP!!!

I'm still in shock. I'm only 11 dpo but I definitely saw a second line. This is my 3rd BFP in 12 months so you can imagine how scared I am right now. I'm praying like crazy that this one sticks the full 9 months. What an amazing Christmas Miracle for me and DH. I can't wait to tell him. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I'll post my idea once I think of one. Hopefully my Nesties will have some great creative ideas :D

I'm barely even able to focus enough to type this right now. LOL.

I guess this would explain my obscene amount of crying the past two days. I cried at happy things, sad things, good things, bad things. I cried at them all and without any effort. I'm still taking E2 and P4 so on top of that I have the hormones my body is naturally producing too. Oh what a roller coaster ride IF is. I hope I go through a nice 9-month-long smooth patch here.

Thank you all for your wonderful support. It means so much to me to have you to check in with every day.

These are my embryos that I'm trying to turn into babies...

And as Katie said, these are the cells that I am already totally attached to...

(hopefully they're attached to me too :D).

Still waiting

And I don't feel anything. Every once in a while I feel a twinge in my abnomen but it's nothing like the constant cramping I felt after my last BFP. That could be b/c I haven't had an ER this time, but who knows?? I have been extremely tired and lightheaded. I don't feel myself and I just feel kind of outside of my own head. I also have these tiny red bumps all over my chest and I can feel them in my scalp. WTF is that all about??

I am really enjoying my time off from work. I'm off until Jan. 21st. YEAH!! I've been relaxing with my dog and I even baked some Chirstmas cookies yesterday. I'm loving spending so much time in front of our pretty tree and watching as many Christmas movies as I can find on TV. I've been good at getting up early every day, getting showered and dressed and not napping much. I don't want to get into that habit or else it would be very tough to go back to work next month.

I am especially enjoying this injection-free month. Looking back, those daily shots really stressed me out so I'm glad everything I'm taking now is in pill form. DH is glad too, he said that it really bothered him to give me that huge shot in my ass every night. I really don't think he had it a fraction as bad as I had it, but we all know women are much stronger then men :D

Well, I go for a b/w check tomorrow. Since I didn't take an hCG trigger or booster this cycle I'm guessing that ANY hCG they see will be good news, right?? I wonder if they'll call me if I have any show up in my b/w?? I think I'm going to test Saturday morning. That would be 12 dpo and I should get an accurate result. Our annual family holiday party is that night and I would like for DH and I know if we're PG or not. We'd never tell anyone, but it would be easier to handle all the babies and PG women if I knew I got my BFP. However, a BFN could ruin the night. I'll have to think about it and weigh which would be worse. If I didn't know I would be avoiding them at all costs.

Oh, and today I got an invite to DH's cousin's baby shower next month. I cried just looking at it with the little stamps of baby hands and feet :( I think if I get a BFN I'm not going. There is no way I could keep my composure at a baby shower after all I've been through, especially just a few weeks after a failed FET. We'll see. Let's think positively though. I will get my BFP and I will get to go to the shower :)

4 dpFET

4 days past FET. And I'm doing well.

My DH has been off so many days this year with all of our treatments and m/c's so he was unable to go with me for this transfer :( Luckily my Mom went with me. I just couldn't be alone.

We got to my RE's office at 9:00 Thursday 12/6 and they brought me back to the transfer room and gave me the news... ALL FOUR TOTSICLES SURVIVED THE THAW!!! And they were all "excellent grade"!! We couldn't have asked for better thawing results. They transferred all four with picture-perfect results and they rested way in the back of my uterus, prime real estate for nestling in :)

So now I sit and wait. And pray they stick. I was on strict bed-rest for the two days after the transfer and now I'm on modified bed-rest. I'm not taking any chances here. I"m rubbing my belly a lot and talking to my embabies and praying they'll stay with me.

I don't go until 12/20 for my beta so I've got quite a few more days of praying ahead of me. Oh how I wish they're still in there!!!!!

23 hours to go...

My FET is going to be at 9:15 on Thursday 12/6. I can't wait!!

We're defrosting 4 totsicles and I'm praying they all make it through to tomorrow. Send me all the prayers and sticky baby wishes you can spare :D

I'm so nervous.

Whoa!! RE just called...

My FET will be THURSDAY instead of Friday :-)

New update on my FET cycle

I went to my RE this morning and my nice, big and lovely follie was GONE.

YEAH I O’d!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That means I will have my frozen ET this Friday 12/7/07. We’re going to thaw four of my totsicles and keep our fingers crossed they survive. We’ll transfer all of the ones that make it and pray at least one sticks :-)

Update on my FET cycle

This was supposed to be a nice and easy, stress-free cycle. Instead I’ve been hauling myself back and forth to my RE’s office 4 out of the past 7 days, and I have to go again tomorrow. It’s 30 miles away and I always have to go during rush-hour. Adding in the wait time in the office, it’s usually about a 4-hour ordeal on weekdays. Ugh. Oh, plus the copay each time. We’re tracking my natural O and I really wish I would have been on Lupron or Ganirelix this cycle so that we would have control over it. If anyone is looking for any kind of advice on their FET cycle, I would say speak with your RE about NOT doing a natural cycle, unless it’s easy for you to do many office visits and you won’t go broke with copays (LOL, kind of :D).

At any rate, it looked like my follie was about to release an egg this morning. There was fluid around it and in my uterus, and it wasn’t a perfect little circle like it was yesterday. So that is at least some good news. Tomorrow we will hopefully confirm my O and set my FET for this Thursday 12/6. Please send me all the sticky dust you can spare!!

I've been tagged!

I've been Tagged by Trish. It's my first and I have to say I quite enjoyed it ;)

Here are 8 things about me I'd like to share:

1. I have wicked curly dark hair. I mean curly-curly. Not just your regular old curly. And it's super thick. Each strand is like dental floss. LOL. Strangers come up to me telling me they love my hair but I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can never just roll out of bed and look ok. I have to shower and style my hair every damn morning. Oh, and in the summer the humidity wreaks havoc so I just pull it into a pony tail. I wish I had Cameron Diaz's hair.

2. I was in a coma for 6 weeks when I was 19 and a sophomore in college. I had pneumonia and it developed into ARDS. I had a traecheotomy (sp?) and 9 chest tubes. I had an x-ray every single day for 10 weeks and I'm wondering if that caused my IF. My RE says no, but I'm not 100% buying that.

3. I own a Basenji. His name is Jimmy and he'll be 4 in January. He makes me laugh every day. If my DH would allow it, I'd have a whole pack...and let them all sleep in bed with us :-)

4. I used to be a cheerleader. I started when I was 10 and cheered right on up through college. I am 5' 5" and used to be 115 lbs and a great athlete...not so much anymore :-(

5. I am a financial analyst and wish I picked any other career than this. I would love to be a teacher or a graphic designer. Maybe in my next life.

6. My Mom is my best friend.

7. I never thought in a million years would I have to deal with IF but if there is any positive side to it, I am so glad I have met all the wonderful ladies on the TTTC and PGL boards. They give me the drive and the ability to keep going :-)

8. I don't like ice cream with any chunks in it. I love Ben and Jerry's but I spit out all the stuff and just eat the creamy yummy ice cream. My DH laughs at me but ice cream is supposed to be SMOOTH, not full of lumps!!

Let's see who I should tag...I'm just going to do 6...
TayLynn
Bailly
3HappyHours
DelayisnotDenial
Girl in the South
MrsABC

CD 11, and other aggravation

I had b/w and u/s this morning and I have a few follies, with the biggest at 11 mm. This is the first cycle in a long time that follie size and count don’t really mean much. I’m more concerned that I have a good lining this cycle, which I do so far. I go back in three days for more b/w and u/s and I’m really hoping I can get a timeline by then. Since this is a “natural” FET cycle we’re just waiting for my body to O on its own. However, my nurse said if my follies get to a ripe size then I will trigger with Novarel. They don’t want to miss anything so that will help us keep things in line. I was expecting to O in 9 days, but by the sounds of my follie sized it might not be that long. This cycle is really moving along!

So, my one SIL finally decided she wanted to know what was going on with us. We tried to talk to her before about it but she just ignored us. We learned she’d been dealing with a bad bout of depression and her marriage is in trouble. She now seems concerned about us so I decided to share with her. Then she started asking questions about things that totally seemed irrelevant. I don’t know if she wasn’t following what I was saying, but I was like let’s look at the big picture here. Those things are important. She also started down the road of giving advice (she has had 3 kids almost with zero effort of “trying”) so I kind of cut her off at the knees. I said that I’m not looking for any advice. If she would like to know what we’ve been through and what we’re dealing with now, I’d be happy to share with her. But I have all the medical advice I need and I’ve been to a therapist for the emotional stuff. I also thought that I have friends and family who have been supportive FROM THE BEGINNING and I don’t need her to jump on the bandwagon coming around the (hopefully) final turn. Ugh. That annoyed me. I tried to be very nice and let her into our IF world but it just kind of bit me in the ass. How do you deal with people giving unwanted advice? It’s hard to smile through it; I just can’t stomach it anymore. I need to forget about her. I have more important things to focus on right now.

Sorry if that didn’t make much sense. My fingers aren’t keeping up with my mind and I doubt I’m typing coherently. LOL.

I hope all of you reading this are in a good place in your TTC journey; and that you’re receiving great support when needed most. And those of you that need it, you’re in my prayers. Hugs to everyone today.

I was glad to not have kids.

Honestly.

We spent Thanksgiving at my in-laws and we have 5 nieces and 2 nephews on DH’s side of the family. All are under 10. It was a crazy house with all of the kids running around, spilling drinks and breaking things. My in-laws were majorly annoyed b/c none of my SIL’s or BIL’s were watching their own kids. So DH’s parents had to take care of everything and clean it all up. This was one of the RARE cases over the past two years that I was actually glad I didn’t have a child in the mix of all that chaos. I know that I would have been caring after my children had they been there, but still I wanted no parts of being to blame for the disaster left behind.

Then I felt bad about thinking that. Like I was jinxing myself or something. I told DH about it in the car on the way home and he said he felt the exact same way. The next day we began our Christmas decorating and it’s one of my favorite days of the year. I am so desperately looking forward to the time when I have an extra stocking or two (or three or four) to hang for our children. I was in a great mood all day even though I expected it to be much harder than it was. I have my “Snow Babies” ornament and I thought of my 8 little “totsicles” when I hung it on my tree. And I had a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes. I am very happy to have my FET in two weeks that I’m really looking forward to. I’m glad my m/c was two months ago and I’ve been able to heal emotionally and physically during that time.

I’m HOPEFUL.

My FET is THIS cycle! No BCP’s!

As I posted the other day, I just got AF for the first time after my 9/24 m/c. I went for my CD 3 u/s and b/w yesterday and my RE decided we should do a natural FET cycle. That means no BCP’s, no estrace, no Lupron…NO SHOTS! Yeah! My P4 is even going to be in pill form this time. He said he would like to try keeping my body as natural as possible for this cycle, and keep as much stress away as I can. If it doesn’t work, we’ll try the other protocol with my next FET.

I think we’re also going to do a day-3 transfer since my embryos were frozen the day after my ER. I think they’re called 2PN?? Is that right??

So now I just sit and wait to O, which they will enhance with hCG (of course we had to throw one shot in my ass in!). And then three days later I’ll get four of my totsicles defrosted and transferred (or however many make the thaw). He sees a thaw rate for my age group just under 50%.

I think my transfer will be around Dec 9th, which was the day of my BFP IUI last year. I’m hoping that date gives us good luck again this year! And I’m hoping that I get a STICKY baby this time too. The only bad thing is that if I get a BFN that will of course put a huge damper on Christmas. I was all set to be on the pill for three weeks, and that would have made my transfer after the holidays, which I preferred. But I am excited to start this earlier than planned! I had my D&E on 1/5/07 so it made for a crappy start to the New Year. Please pray that we get a Christmas miracle! God I hope 2008 starts out better than 2007 did…

She’s baaaa-aaack!!

AF finally arrived today. Yeah! I’m on CD 53 after my m/c on 9/24 and I’m actually glad to see her (for the first time in 21 cycles). I have a CD 3 u/s and b/w on Sunday and I’ll start my BCP’s and gear up for my FET. As I posted on the PG Loss Board, I do well with a plan so I’ll be glad to start my protocol. I like having a date to look forward to. I’m guessing my transfer will be the week of Christmas so I’ll be praying for my own little Christmas miracle!

Last year I got my first ever BFP on 12/22 so I’m hoping the BFP comes back to celebrate the holidays with me. I’m very glad I won’t know anything before Christmas. If it was a BFN that would ruin the entire holiday season for me and it’s my absolute favorite time of year. Hopefully the holiday cheer with get me in the right mindset to encourage a nice Sticky Baby.

It’s been nice not running to the RE’s office once/twice a week for a while. I’ll go this Sunday and then not back until I’m done my 3 weeks of the pill. Then I may go only once or twice until they thaw my “totcicles”. An FET cycle is so much less-involved than a regular IVF. It’s a walk in the park in comparison. LOL.

I’m also planning on taking some time off from work after my transfer. I need to be able to relax and work really stresses me out. I know many women think it’s crazy to need time off, but my first two IVF’s obviously didn’t “stick” so I need to try something different. I’m going to hang out with my dog, and just do whatever I want during my time off. I’m going to try to stay at as much peace as I can…even go for a few massages/manicures/pedicures to keep the tension away. Call me a sissy if you want, but after the stress I’ve been under for the past 9 cycles of IUI’s/IVF’s, having 2 m/c’s and this upcoming FET, I think I deserve some time to myself. Does it sound like I’m justifying this to myself or what?! LMAO.

I’m officially late.

But I won’t POAS. I always have a 10-day LP and today is day 10 and my temp was still up this morning. There is no way in hell I’m going to test until this time next week. I’m sure my cycle is just a bit screwy after my m/c and I’m not going to waste an HPT and deal with the emotions of a BFN. I will just wait patiently for AF’s arrival.

(Twiddling my thumbs impatiently…LOL)

Things have been going really well for me lately. I know it’s my frame of mind. I’m enjoying NOT TTC and dealing with the related stresses. DH and I have our relationship back and we’re having fun with each other again like we used to. We’re not so focused on TTC & doctor’s appts and we’re just leading our life like a normal couple. It’s really nice.

As soon as AF arrives I’ll start on BCP’s so that will give us three more weeks of living in ignorant bliss again. I’m going to enjoy every minute of it! This time last year we were doing our first IUI and it made for a devastating Thanksgiving when we got the BFN. We were so optimistic, and naïve about the whole RE process. I’m much more grounded about it now. I think I’m more level-headed and a realist about it for the most part. I certainly have my hopeful and optimistic moments but I try to stay cool, calm and collected the best I can. I’ve learned a lot, not only about the physical/clinical aspects but I’ve also learned how I react emotionally and how I can help myself through the hard times.

It feels good to be so positive again. Sorry, I know that can make some of you sick. LOL :-)

Reilly was adopted :-) and :-(

As you can imagine, I have total mixed emotions about it. I am so sad she’s gone. She was the cutest little peanut I’ve ever seen, and she made me laugh constantly. However, I’m so happy we found her a great “forever home”. The family came on Sunday and their dog instantly started playing with Reilly. Their daughter was thrilled to have her sleep in her bed, so I know she’ll be loved. It’s just hard to let go. I cried, of course. But, just like my prior foster, she will go on to be very happy and now we have room in our home to foster another dog needing some TLC. I have a great picture of her I’ll add to my collection, and in case you’re wondering, NO it won’t be the one of her in the diaper. LOL.

Nothing new on the TTC front. I think I’m 6 dpo so this is my first 2ww after my m/c. I’m not holding out much hope and just praying AF is on time so I can start my BCP for the FET next month. DH and I have gained our wonderful sex life back. Since we haven’t had the stress of having “TTC sex” or not being able to have it at all, it’s wonderful to be back to our old selves in that department!

Stole this from Bailly who stole it from Bunny who stole it from TTTC

You Might Be Infertile IF...

......you'll do anything to fight the urge to sneeze because you're afraid your ovaries might explode.

...you're having hot flashes before you're 30.

...the word "relax" actually makes you more tense.

...your crotch has seen more action from an RE than your DH.

...you're afraid to go "number two" after an IUI for fear of pushing out the spermies.

...when you go to the obgyn you don't have to use the calendar when they ask you the date of your last period.

... you shave your legs for your RE appts but not for your DH.

... you know the pharmacists by name, and they know you by name.

... you can't plan anything in advance because it might be CD3.

... you take more medications than your parents or grandparents.

... the thought of the holidays makes you nauseous for fear of inevitable questions and yet another pg announcement.

... it's "if" this or that works and not "when" it will work.

... you refuse to paint the future nursery for fear of jinxing yourself.

... you cried on Halloween seeing all those adorable costumes on the little one's and their pg mothers.

...your DH has seen ultrasounds of your uterus and ovaries, and knows exactly what he is looking at.

...you know what a "Dildo-cam" is.

...you know what ovary likes to ovulate better than your RE and the nurse that does your u/s every month.

...you have more drugs than a heroine addict.

...you have lengthy discussions about the status of your cervical mucus.

...you are frequently violated with a huge plastic wand -- by your nurse.

... you speak to your RE in T-TTC acronyms.

...your husband doesn't think it's weird when you stand on your head after sex because who knows -- this might just be the ONE time you could get pregnant without the help of a team of specialists.

...KY is banned in your household as it kills sperm.

...you have forgotten what spontaneity is.

...your husband is tired of masturbating in clinics and complains about friction burns from having to do it too often (bad, I know!).

...your husband complains that he's seen all the porn in your RE's office and wonders when they'll get new issue...and this doesn't faze you.

...you actually get excited over shots.

...when someone says what day is it to day and you start to answer CD whatever and have to catch yourself.

...you DH knows more about the your monthly cycle than your primary care Dr.

...everytime you go to the bathroom you check CM.

...you live you life 2 weeks at a time.

...you met your insurance deductible for the year...in your first month of testing with the RE.

...when you'd rather have an internal u/s RATHER than have bloodwork done.

... if you remember special events by what day of your cycle they fell on!

...when you see the letters IF, you think "infertility" and not "if".

...if you have forgotten a CD is also an actual object containing music, or a type of investment, and not just a date.

Oh, if only it weren't so true...

You asked for it...

Oh I feel so bad embarassing my sweet little Reilly like this, but everyone asked me to post this picture. And as Dr. Girlfriend coined the term, it's quite patharious (a combination of pathetic and hilarious). She's right! This is my foster (she's a Basenji puppy) and she's one of the sweetest dogs I have EVER met. I'm going to have a hard time giving her up when we find an adoptive family.

Here she is with doggie diaper on. As I posted before the little squirt got AF before I did so I had to put something on her and I had no way to affix my maxi pads. So off to Petco my DH went and came home with diapers that have the little hole cut out for the tail.

Doesn't it just make you smile? LOL.

AF paid my house a visit...but not to me...

For the love of all things good, you have got to be kidding me!

As I posted below, you can see that I’ve been fostering a little female dog. Well, she got her period yesterday. Now how unfair is that!! My little canine companion gets a visit from AF but she’s still MIA for the past 42 days for me!!!

I guess the AF gods were taking me a little too literally. When I said to pass AF on to my house, I should have specific her to visit ME and not my dog!!! GEESH!!!!!!!!

I'm still hoping to O in the next day or so. I'm charting my temp so I will know when it happens and then when I can expect AF. DH has been sick for days so there has been no BD'ing for us (ho hum). Not that I really think it would work for us, but my goodness I would love one more chance at doing it au naturale before I start my BCP for my FET. Maybe I can coerce him tonight? I'll load him up with NyQuil and just as he gets drowsy and weak, I'll pounce on him. LMAO.

He breaks my heart

DH and I were watching Flags of our Fathers (is that what it's called??) and the end of the movie really got to him. It was the part when the father and son where in the hospital and talking about what kind of Father he had been.

DH lost it...tears coming down his face. All he could muster to say was "I just want to be somebody's Dad so badly." Then I lost it. It was heartbreaking. All I could think to say was "I'm doing everything in my power to try to make that happen for us."

Then we just held each other. This is really taking a toll on us, but I am so glad we're getting through this together. Some days are just worse than others, especially when something like that movie triggers emotions. I can see how IF and m/c can tear couples apart. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful man as my husband. I love him.

One more checkmark on the list...saline SHG...done.

I had my saline sonohystogram today. Is that even what it's called? LOL. It was like a regular internal u/s but they put a balloon in my uterus first and then filled it with water. That hurt. I could feel my uterus expand and it was cramping up trying to resist it. That lasted for about 20 seconds and then it was over. They let the water out and I felt fine. Oh, but then my RE took the "duck lips" out and I swear it felt like he was trying to pull my cervix out! Apparently it had to come out before the cathetar/balloon came out so my cervix was dialted and the "duck lips" couldn't open any farther. OMG that was ridiculous. But it was all over pretty quickly and then I was perfectly fine to go back to work.

My results: everything is clear! All "products of conception" have passed and I should expect to O one day next week. I had a follie around 13 mm so we should have a nice sized target this month. Not that I have any real hopes for conceiving on our own, but it's nice to know my body went back to normal relatively quickly after my m/c.

Fun times in our house!!!

Big news in our house, we got a foster dog. We own a Basenji named Jimmy and I love the breed. I help out with the rescue group and fostered once this July. It was great, but I was so sad to see the dog go even though we only had him for a week. Plus he went to friends so we knew he was going to a great home. Anyway, we came across this female who was neglected, starving and abused by the two Chow’s the owner had. So they agreed to surrender her to be helped out. She and Jimmy hit it off instantly, running around the house and yard like total nuts! She’s a little peanut, I don’t think she’s even 10 pounds and you can still see her ribs and bones (it breaks my heart). Jimmy looks like a giant next to her. She gobbled up her food this morning and was like velcro to me. She just loves attention and is super spunky and super cute.

I can tell she’s going to have an ornery streak in her like Jimmy too. My MIL calls him “curious” but that is far too sweat of a word for the little bugger. I’m such a sucker for dogs!

She slept all curled up with us last night, and Jimmy used her as a pillow…they were adorable together, so sweet it could give you a cavity. LOL. So this has obviously cheered me up, but I know I’ll be sad when she gets adopted…if we don’t end up adopting her. Hee hee.

I attached a few pictures, but it’s hard to see her face while she’s gnawing that bone. I couldn’t get it away from her and I swear it weighs more than she does.

I am not alone.

I often feel that my DH doesn't think about our IF problems nearly as much as I do. Well, I know he doesn't. But he took me off guard this morning with an email. It just made me tear up at my desk. Partly b/c of how bad I feel about our situation, partly b/c I hate for him to feel sad, and partly b/c I know I'm not alone, and that even makes me sad.

This was his email:
"Just been thinking a lot about our “situation” and for some reason it’s really bumming me out.
I read an article in Field and Stream about a guy and his dad. Just their relationship and how it was rocky when he was young, and how through hunting together they found a common ground and that kept them from drifting apart as the son grew up. Just reminded me of me and my dad and how we always fish together. Kinda just bummed me out, that I may or may not have anyone I can teach how to fish. "

I think we are all guilty of leaving our DH's out of the situations we face. We feel that we need to carry the burden on our own. And since we are physically going through it all, then they don't really "get it" as much. But we have to realize they are very much part of what is going on and they deal with their sorrows in their own way. I know my DH wants so desperately to "fix" everything and it kills him that he can't. He wants more than anything for me to have our baby and his heart aches for me that he can't make that happen. And today I realize (I'm sure I've known all along) that there are things in his life that he would miss out on too if we are not blessed with a child. I think we have a tendency to be selfish with the self-pity but we're not alone in this...we're not the only one with broken hearts. We need to be there for each other, not just constantly leaning for support. We have to be supportive as well. And we have the strength to do it.

I saw my cervix on a TV screen.

I had my hysteroscopy yesterday. I was awake for the whole thing. Had everything been ok inside me, being awake would have been fine. It would have only taken about 2 minutes. BUT there was something in there and I wanted desperately to be knocked out.

They got me all set up on the chair in my RE’s office with a huge plastic bag thing under my bum. Then my RE brings this gadget towards me with a surgical steel “pipe” looking thing on the end. It was thinner than a chopstick and about twice as long. There was a tiny camera on the end of it. He turned it on and voila…my cervix was on the TV screen. I’ve never seen it before and I think I’m set for life to never see it again. LOL. So, in he goes. Ah, the beauty of the inside of my uterus :D It felt just like an IUI so nothing big. Well, as soon as he goes inside my uterus there is this clump of tissue the size of a big blueberry there. A-ha!! This could be what is causing my problems!!! 1. It’s blocking a good portion of my uterus so DH’s swimmers probably can’t swim past it. 2. Things like that can impede implantation and even cause m/c’s. So….then my RE inserts another long pipe thing. But this one has tiny spike looking things on the end (like you see on a dog collar or something). Then he proceeds to “mow” as he called it and I wanted to scream! It was so painful I had to ask him to stop mid-way through. He was scraping my lining trying to remove all that shouldn’t be there. I think that part lasted a long two minutes and the whole thing was under half an hour. Oh and this whole time the nurse is squirting saline up there so I can feel it drip out of me (into that huge plastic bad under my bum). That part felt like I was wetting myself. How lovely. Thank goodness my Mom was there (DH couldn’t make it). I was squeezing her hand so hard I left fingernail marks. Only a Mom would let you do that J

Now I’m not saying this to scare any of you away from this procedure, but I wanted to be honest so you knew what to expect. I would have loved if someone could have told me about it ahead of time, but everyone I knew was put to sleep for it (I’m so jealous!!).

Moral of the story…get knocked out whenever possible!! If nothing was there it would have been fine, but the whole “mowing” process was the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my entire TTC journey (and I’ve been through a lot!). Today I’m a bit crampy and just have an odd feeling in my abdomen. I had light flow yesterday and still spotting some this morning. They said my next period should be full of clots since they broke up a lot of the surface of my uterus.

I go back in a week for a saline SHG (I think that’s what I’m going back for anyway) and they’ll make sure everything is clear.

Author Unknown

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

I love my DH :-)

Finally, I’m in a great mood.

DH and I had a great weekend and he planned the whole thing. Friday night we had some wine, take-out and watched TV all night on the couch with Jimmy (our dog). It was so relaxing. I then slept the best night’s sleep I’ve had in almost 2 years. I didn’t budge all night long and slept in till 8:00. I’m usually awake by 6:30 on weekends (I hate that!). Then we hung around most of the day, reading, napping, and just chilling out together. Then we got ready to go out. We went to see a comedy show and then to an amazing Brazilian Steakhouse for dinner in Center City. It was an awesome night!!

On Sunday we took the train to NY to see “Grease”. It’s my all time favorite and I was thrilled to see it on Broadway. We had lunch at a nice Irish Pub and walked around the city for a while after the show. I got roasted peanuts from the vendor (still warm, yum!) and we each got $5 watches. They don’t say “Folex” or anything but they’re pretty good knock-offs. LOL.

We got in around 9:30 Sunday night, had some yummy KFC, and went to bed totally exhausted from our busy weekend.

It’s so good to be back among the Land of the Living!!!!

I have to acknowledge it.

I tried all day to get it out of my head, but I have to say it. Today is October 18th. Today would have been the beginning of our second trimester and I would have finally felt like we were in the “safe zone”. It was the day that as soon as I found out we were PG, I figured out this was the date and I focused on it for the five weeks we lived in the bliss of being PG. I was so looking forward to this day and yet it’s here and it means absolutely nothing to me anymore. Ten years and two days ago (October 16th 1997) was the day I was admitted to the hospital with ARDS and put into a coma for six weeks. In the future, I would like to hibernate for this week every year since mid-October is just not a good time for me. It’s a shame. I absolutely adore the Fall (the colors, the weather) and I’m beginning to dread it. I am very sad. Devastated.

One of those (bad) days...

I sent this email to a friend this morning and I thought it would make a good post. I just needed to get some feelings out and I know others feel this way. So here you go, you're not alone if you're in a sluky mood, too :D

------------------------------------------------------

I pray that I forget all of this someday. Well I know I will never *forget*, but I hope I don't remember how painful it was. I don't want to remember all the details, either of the m/c or of the IVF. After this m/c when I started to pass stuff I just told DH that I wish I could get that picture out of my head. I hope to forget someday. If our God is as merciful as we think He is, He will let me forget it.

The weather was great around here this weekend; I just LOVE this time of year. However, It's supposed to be warmer and humid tomorrow and I know that will put me in a grumpy mood. I'll be sulking anyway since tomorrow would have been the date we moved to the "safe" zone of our second trimester. I wish I didn't have that date so prominent in my head but I was focused on that date for 8 weeks, it's now hard to forget.

I went to my therapist last night and I didn't feel like we accomplished a lot. She talked about stuff that I found totally irrelevant, but I'm hoping she knew what she was doing with her line of questions.

Geesh, I'm the driver of the pity-party bus today. Stay away if you're in a good mood!! LOL. Forget you read any of that and go on your merry way of having a good day.

I'll go self-medicate myself with an ice cream cone to cheer myself up :D

3 weeks ago today...

These three weeks have really flown by. I can't believe it's been that long since my m/c. I think I am doing very well emotionally. My spotting seems to have stopped (crossing my fingers) so I hope that means my body is progressing and getting over being PG. I go back this Friday for another beta and as always I'm praying that it's zero by then. That means then I'll have to sit around and wait a few more weeks until AF shows up, and then we start our FET protocol.

DH and I had a great weekend together. We're really re-connecting and it's been great for us. We were so absorbed by TTC and going to the RE that we lost focus on each other. All we talked about was TTC and all the procedures, so it's nice to chat over dinner about normal stuff. It's good to have this time before we start our FET, as much as I hate waiting, I think it's good for us to get our relationship back where it's not all about procreation. We're BD'ing just for the fun of it...haven't done that since Feb. 2006 and it's awesome!!

I so needed this...

DRUNK SEX.

Last night was our 4th anniversary and we had a great time. I made a great pasta dinner, we went through almost 2 magnums of wine, watched our wedding video (our tradition on our anniv.) and laughed for hours. I haven’t been that drunk since our last anniversary…RE says not to drink while doing fertility treatments. With the addition of not having sex since two days before our last IVF cycle (in August) -- it was so awesome!!! DH and I really needed to re-connect like that again and being drunk just made it so much fun. LOL.

And for those of you that emailed me asking what was in the little blue box…Tiffany’s Elsa Peretti’s Eternal Circle pendant & necklace. I love it!!

To my lovely ladies on The Next PG Loss board...

In reading all the posts here I feel so proud of all of us. We have been through so much, and yet we have the ability to carry on, sometimes with such little time since our loss. I am amazed at the gracious and kind advice constantly being passed around. This is an amazing bunch of women. Strong. Courageous. Gutsy. Intelligent. The list goes on.

It is so interesting how there can be serious posts, full of sympathies, encouragement and advice; and then there are the ranting/venting posts that we need sometimes to just get the thoughts out of our own heads. And we are all there cheering the poster on and giving support in whatever way they need it. Anything goes here. There is never too much “TMI” and we are as frank as necessary to get a clear picture of what we are going through, and what we can expect as we heal. There is no room for embarrassment as we have all been through this and we are the only people who can truly understand what the others are going through.

I just wanted to say that I am so glad to have found this board and you all have helped me a great deal and I hope I can be as helpful and supportive to those that post here!

And then I woke up.

Saturday morning I woke and was in a fantastic mood. DH and I had a great Friday night; I slept like a log, and slept in until I was ready to get out of bed. And had a great day. And that was that. It was like a switch went off in my head. I was done crying. I was done sulking. I was done feeling sorry for myself. I had my old attitude back, and DH was thrilled to have me. We had a great weekend, reconnecting like we so desperately needed to. I’m ready to move on.

I'm 14 days past my m/c and my hCG for today is 194 so I still have another week or so until it’s down to zero. There is nothing I can do about it so I’m going on with my life. It feels great to take back that control. I hope I can continue it when days get rough, but for now I’m doing the best I have in a long time.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountain (singing Indigo Girls in my head)...

I went for my first visit with a counselor last night. Although it was a very rough hour, I’m so glad I went. She started off going through my life history, which was fine, but then we got to the reason I was there. Without saying a word I got choked up, teary-eyed and couldn’t speak. She let me take all the time I needed to actually get the words out. She was very caring and motherly, which is great for me. She was pretty much in shock that I had just had my 2nd m/c ten days ago and was able to talk so well about it already.

She helped me realize just how consumed my life has been with my TTC journey over the past 20 months. I knew that I was obsessed, but I guess just in the back of my head, and to actually admit to it was very difficult. She helped me with seeing that I need to do things for myself and it’s natural and normal for me to find it difficult to be around PG women and babies. She said it is fine to remove myself from those situations if I find them too difficult. The goal is not to alienate myself, but there is no sense is punishing myself even more by forcing a smile when I clearly am heartbroken inside. She said we’ll work on areas on how to turn my brain off so that I’m not constantly thinking about TTC or my 2 m/c’s. I’m a “thinker” and that is SO hard for me to just NOT think about TTC.

One other thing she helped me realize is that I’ve never really had to deal with loss. In my eyes, I have only had one great loss… I had lost my grandmother when I was 18 (we were close, she always lived with us) but she had been sick for years and I had been preparing for the worst all that time. She was to the point where we were glad she was not suffering any more so it was easier to deal with. Plus, I had just started college so I was wrapped up in a busy life to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have that now. It’s like I eat, sleep and breath TTC and my IF struggles. My life has become consumed by that and my scheduling is all around when I have to be at my RE’s office, especially during IVF cycles when I’m there every three days. All of my friends and family are having babies so I am constantly reminded about the fact that I don’t have a baby (yet!). I have never had anything in my life that I was unable to attain. I guess my control-freak and goal-oriented nature has not been able to deal with the fact that I just cannot make this happen. There is nothing more I can do and that drives me insane.

Ok, now I’m rambling J I just wanted to share how helpful I thought it was, even for my first visit. I go back in 10 days so hopefully I’ll be able to cry less so that we can accomplish more. LOL. Anyway, if any of you are contemplating speaking with someone about your struggles or your loss, I would highly recommend it.

Trying to cope.

So it was a week ago yesterday that I found out I would m/c. I'm still bleeding and cramping. Of course, I'm very sad too. I cry at the drop of a hat. My DH has been wonderful...bringing me flowers, making dinner, doing the dishes, doing laundry, everything. He's amazing and is trying his best to keep my spirits up. He's even been watching Dancing with the Stars with me...which he HATES to watch. It's great to have such a support when I'm so down. He always seems to know just when I need a nice cup of hot chocoate too, I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband :-)

I went to my RE yesterday and my u/s showed that my uterus has pretty much cleaned itself out. I still have a lining so I should expect to bleed for a few more days...oh what fun. I got my b/w results this moring and my hCG is now 1,333 (down from 66,000 last Monday). We're heading in the right direction but I'm guessing it will still be another week until it's down to zero. That just means I should expect AF to arrive a week later than I had thought. And that pushes my FET back to mid-December. I know it's not an awful amount of time but the thought of going through that during the Christmas season gives me mixed emotions.

First off, I had my IUI then last year that gave me my first ever BFP. It was an AWESOME Christmas. Maybe those great Christmas vibes will be with me again this year?? But then I had my first m/c over New Years...that blew. So if this FET doesn't work around Christmas this year I fear I will be forever jaded. And Christmas if my favorite time of the year. I'm like my Mom, we go nuts during the holiday season. We love to decorate, bake and visit all of our family. Well, hopefully my positive attitude during the holiday season will help me keep the stress at bay so my little one(s) can stick!!

Phew, that went on a bit too long. If you're still here, thanks for reading all of that! LOL.

Miscarriage #2 - I'm not PG anymore :-(

I went in on Monday (8w 4d) for my weekly check-up and there was no heartbeat. The fetus measured right on track so we are guessing the heart stopped shortly before my u/s. Based on my bloodwork, which was perfect, and my u/s we think it was a chromosomal issue so there was nothing anyone could have done. Apparently the “blood clot” they thought they saw last week was actually part of my fetus’ DNA that had broken off and tried to start growing a “twin”, leaving the original fetus with less sufficient chromosomes to continue growth. My RE gave me some pills to take vaginally and I passed everything that was in my uterus in the past two days. I’m still having some light flow but at least my cramping has subsided. Hopefully it cleans itself out so I won’t need a D&E like my first m/c. As soon as my hCG goes back to zero he will do a hysteroscopy and then start me on my FET protocol after AF arrives (BCP’s, Lupron, etc.), with a transfer hopefully during the first couple of weeks of December -- oh that's so far away :-( At that point, we’ll "defrost" four Snowbabies and transfer them all on day 3, at least that is the plan for now. All of my 8 that are frozen are of Z1 quality (excellent) so my RE is confident we will have enough for two successful transfers shall I need them. Since this isn’t my first m/c, if I have another one then we will move on to further testing. BUT since my first one was so early and there wasn’t a recorded heartbeat yet they don’t consider that as serious as this one that lasted over 8 weeks.

DH was able to be home with me Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning, and then my Mom stayed with me Tuesday afternoon and all day Wednesday. She even took me out to lunch after my follow-up appt on Wed. and then we went for manis/pedis.

I’m heartbroken. I’m not quite sure how this is working out but I’m not as devastated as I was with my first m/c. Don’t get me wrong, I have just cried for three days straight and can’t even think about anything else right now, but I think I actually have some perspective on it all. I think it’s b/c I was so apprehensive this time and I never really let myself get too excited or attached to this pregnancy. I tried but I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to fall – which it did on Monday. I guess that was my way of trying to protect myself. I’m not quite sure if there is anything we can do differently but you can certainly bet I’ll do everything in my power to make it work next time. I’m hoping my hCG levels drop quickly so that we can get started soon. I’m the type that the best way for me to recover from something is to start planning how to fix it or what to do next. Not sure how much longer I can do this, but I’m thinking at least through the 2 FET’s that my little Snowbabies will get me through. DH and I will cross that path when we get to it and just pray that we are lucky enough to have success from our FET. Keep me in your thoughts and send us the best Baby Dust vibes you can spare.

8 weeks today

It's amazing how hard it is to be on "pelvic rest". You don't realize how much you use your abdomen until you're not allowed to use it! I've tried to take it easy but I catch myself lifting things or moving around and I have to tell myself "sit down and relax!!" DH almost had a heart attack last night when I picked the dinner dishes in a big pile. Now, he was right, but he started to lecture me like he was my father, LOL. Oh well, a little couch-time with ice cream never hurt anyone!! Bring it on :-)

I've been put on "pelvic rest"

I went for my 8 week ultrasound today and the baby looks great! The little squirt is measuring right on track and has a heartbeat of 136 bpm. WONDERFUL! The only concern was that I had a blood clot in my uterus. My nurse and RE both said it wasn't alarming, but that I was being put on "pelvic rest"...no exercising, no lifting, no sex, no orgasms. It's been six weeks (since a few days before my ER) since DH and I have been allowed to and I really miss him!!!! Oh well, it's all for the good of our baby :-)

I go back on Monday for a follow up u/s so hopefully the clot is starting to dissipate by then. Other than that, I feel great. My nausea is very minimal today. But it's still almost impossible to brush my teeth. My gag reflex is super sensitive.

My SIL got her BFP a few days ago so she'll be due just a few weeks after me. My Mom will be in heaven with all this baby stuff. I did however tell her I wanted my own baby shower :-)

Shhh….don’t wake the monster.

I haven’t had much nausea all weekend. I spent a lot of time in the fresh air so maybe that had something to do with it. I’m back in my office today and feeling a bit “off”…one more reason to hate my office. LOL. I was getting a bit worried about my symptoms going away. I know I’ve said it to others…it happens, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong – my body is just getting used to the baby, blah blah blah. But I can’t help but stress about it. I have an appt with my RE on Wednesday and I’m hoping it’s my last and I’ll graduate to my regular OB. I’m really going to miss my weekly checkups. It’s so comforting to keep an eye on things. I’m still so scared I’m going to m/c again.

At what point will I be able to just enjoy this pregnancy? I’m hoping it is soon.

I'm having a bad day.

Not a bad day as far as my PG goes (all is fine there), just a bad day with my mood. I’m super depressed. I barely slept at all last night so I'm sure that is just compounding how terrible I feel. DH went out with his office for a fabulous dinner in Center City and I’m totally jealous. He was out having a great steak dinner (my favorite) while I was home on the couch very nauseous and trying not to puke my guts out. He called me halfway through and I heard everyone having a great time and it was all I could do to keep from hanging up on him. We are saving every penny we can so we’re not going out to dinner unless it’s cheap (a la pizza or Chinese), and he’s eating $50-a-plate meals and drinking $50 bottles of wine. I know he really deserves it for working so hard, but don’t I deserve it too? I’ve been through a f*uckload of stuff over the past 2 years of TTC and nobody has once offered to take me to a great dinner downtown. He’s also been to different sporting events, and countless fancy dinners…at least one event a month. I’m lucky if I can convince him to get wings and fries from my favorite bar (and it’s even soggy take out since I can’t eat there with all the smoke).

I know, pity party for one going on here. But I just can’t help myself today. I’ve been crying at my desk (and praying nobody walks over to me) and I just can’t get over myself today. My eyes are red and puffy and my nose is congested. I must be quite the sight! LOL.

Now he’s mad at me for not being so happy for him. He said he just wanted to share his great night with me and I couldn’t care less about hearing about it. I can’t get through to him…it’s not about me not being happy for HIM, I am. But that’s just it. HE is the one getting all the great stuff. But what about me? I deserve it too.

6 weeks 6 days – ultrasound

All looks good! I had another ultrasound this morning and our little squirt looks perfect. The heart beat is 130 – right on track. He/she is measuring 3.7 mm. I just have a huge sigh of relief every time I go in and see that things are progressing just as they should.

I’ll be a nervous wreck when the time comes that I only see my regular OB once a month. Maybe I’ll invest in one of those home Dopplers??? DH will think I’m nuts, but that will give me such peace of mind in between appointments. I go back in another week and my nurse said that will probably be my last visit with them. I cannot wait to “graduate” from my RE to a regular OB. That will be yet another huge milestone for us!

I could do without the sickness.

Seriously. I feel like I could puke at any minute of the day. Brushing my teeth is almost out of the question. Too bad that is such a necessity!!! LOL. DH and I were supposed to have burgers for dinner the other night. I took one look at the ground meat and my head started to swoon. I opted for frozen chicken fingers and fries instead. YUMM-O!! I just can’t seem to get enough salt. I CRAVE IT.

I didn’t sleep well all weekend. I get up in the middle of the night to pee and then I’m up until the sun comes up. Even with all the side effects I’m still keeping my spirits up. I’m just thanking God I am experiencing all of these as they’re a sign of a healthy pregnancy.

I pray every day for the girls on TTTC and that they get their BFP soon. I’ve never been the religious type, but my aunt is and she prays to Padre Pio. Ladies, if you’re looking for some guidance, pray to him. I swear he brought me my BFP this month. At the start of my stims this IVF cycle I started a prayer to him every day and voila! I’m thinking it’s not a coincidence so I’m going to continue to pray to him for you all…it certainly can’t hurt!

I will post again Wednesday after my next u/s. I’m dying to hear the heart beat. I wonder when I will??

We have a heartbeat!!!

I just got back from my RE and at 6w 1d I could see the heartbeat! It was such a tiny little flicker but it was strong and steady. I am still shaking from the shock of it all. This is such a huge milestone for us. I go back in 5 days and my nurse said we should be able to see the baby at that point...he/she will just be about the size of a grain of rice. I'm busting with excitement and think I'll celebrate tonight with a giant waffle cone!!!

With all the excitement I almost forgot about my nausea. Well, almost. I'm trying to keep it under control during the day by eating little snacks, but brushing my teeth is getting to be unbearable. I'm thinking I'll have to do my whole morning routine and then brush before I head out the door; instead of brushing right when I get out of bed. Who knows if that will help but I'm willing to try anything/everything to get through the morning a little easier. Oh, and forget about mouthwash. That was cause for some major dry heaves this morning (sorry if TMI). LOL.

So this excitement will carry me through the weekend! Can't wait to show DH our u/s picture...the little black hole is getting bigger!!!!!

Someone shake some sense into me.

I had an ultrasound this past Friday and everything looks just as it should. I found that we're having a singleton, and that bummed me out a bit. Don't get me wrong...I am THRILLED that we're PG and I couldn't be more excited. However, I was really hoping to have twins or triplets (we transferred 3 blasts) so that we would never have to do this IVF route again. I am already thinking to 2 years down the line that we'll have to go back to my RE and thaw out my snowbabies. I'm such a sorry sack!! Ok, pity party for one over.

But seriously, I was super excited to see that little black hole with the sac inside it. I go back this Friday (6w 1d) for another u/s and I'm praying I can see the little heartbeat!!!

I have twinges of sickness all day long. If I get too hungry I feel like I'll puke so I have to make sure I keep snacks with me all the time...tootsie rolls have been my snack of choice this week. I've also been craving fried chicken just about constantly. I just wish this darn new KFC would open already! It's been under construction for months and now I'm dying for it!!!!

My belly band was the best investment so far. I've been able to wear most of my regular pants thanks to that. Although I did buy two pair of maternity pants and they are the most comfortable pants I have ever owned. I would highly recommend them to everyone!!!!

Oh no, it's getting worse

Morning sickness. Scratch that. ALL DAY sickness. It's getting worse as the day goes on. The bloating is getting worse too. I can't find a good pair of maternity pants so I'm going to order some online from Old Navy. Hopefully they'll fit! I have a wedding to go to this weekend and I pray that my black dressy pants still fit. If not, a new outfit for me!!!! I so don't want to spend the money on a new outfit for a wedding where I don't even know the people. I'd rather spend it on a maternity outfit I'll be able to use for the next 8 months.

I'm finding it super hard to concentrate on anything at work. I am constantly on The Nest and reading other IF blogs and I'm totally fascinated by them. Work schmerk!!

Sorry, nothing really exciting to say today, but just wanted to check in anyway :-)

4 weeks, 5 days

I didn't hear from my nurse yesterday, which was like torture waiting by the phone. I called first thing this morning and got my 3rd beta results...1651!! WOW! I am right on track, and it's a little high. I'm guessing I have a singleton, but would love to be surprised with twins. I'll go back again this Friday to be sure I continue to progess as I should.

I think I need maternity clothes...already :-(

I'm attributing my bigger-than-it-should-be-at-4.5-weeks-belly to the fact that I had major bloating from my stims and I continue to be on P4 injections and E2 pills. All of that will continue until we have a heartbeat, which I'm hoping will be in about 2 weeks or so. I think I'll venture to the Target Maternity section today. I have just a few pair of pants that still fit and the change of seasons is coming soon so I'm not sure what in my Fall wadrobe will fit me. I'm THRILLED to have this problem!!!!!

Waiting by the phone...

Back from vacation and it was great to relax for four days. I love the beach and it was so peaceful. I told my family our great news and my Mom cried instantly. She was thrilled for us, and so happy that she’ll be a grandmother again J

I went for another beta today and I’m waiting for the results. I also had an u/s and I could see one little embryo!! It was amazing to see. My RE said there could be another one or two that pops up since we’re still so early. I would love to have twins/triplets so we wouldn’t have to go through this IVF thing again, even though we have frozen snow-babies. We would just end up donating them to a couple who was unable to produce their own “embabies”. I would love to be able to help someone else out like that.

Well, back to sitting by the phone waiting for my nurse to call with the beta results. Pray for a high number…we’re at 18 DPER so anything over 1000 would be good for us!

BFP!!!!!!!!!!

I got my BFP today! I’m 12 DPER and only 7 dp5dt. I am so excited and so scared at the same time. Praying I don’t miscarry again. My due date would have been in two weeks so I’m thrilled to have gotten my BFP before then. I’m going tomorrow for my beta so hopefully it’s a nice solid, high number. I won’t be able to go back until Monday to see if it’s doubling, so hopefully I’ll be able to keep my calm until then.

I’m trying to think of a way to tell DH – he had already left for work when I POAS. I just couldn’t help myself…I had to do it!!! I think I may get a cute onesie I saw at Target. It said “worth waiting for”. And we have done TONS of waiting every month since we started TTC back in March 2006…19 cycles ago. Phew. Maybe I’ll get some Baby balloons and tie them to the gift bag I’ll put the onesie in.

Ooohh…I can’t wait to tell my parents on vacation in two days. My Mom is going to wait up for us so maybe I’ll bring the balloons with me so we can walk through the front door with them. She will FLIP OUT!!!!!!! Oh, I can’t wait to see her reaction. I don’t know if she’ll scream or cry, but probably do a little of both.

I called my SIL to tell her this morning. I had to tell someone before I went nuts! Now she has to keep the secret while on vacation with my parents. I know she won’t tell, that’s why I had to tell her.

My stomach is doing flips and I’m stuck here at work. I wish I could get out early. I just can’t concentrate. I want to drive to DH’s office to tell him, but he works over an hour away so I can’t do it during my lunch hour. Oh well, he’ll have a nice surprise when he comes home tonight!!!!

I’m still praying this one STICKS!!!!

Still trucking along...

Today has been very blah for me. I do have to say that my bloating is going away quite nicely (just as my nurse told me it would), as well as my major cramping. This IVF cycle has been so different from the last. And I’m hoping that ‘different’ translates to ‘BFP’. LOL.

I went this morning for my b/w to make sure my hormone levels are in check. I didn’t hear from my nurse so I guess all is well and I’ll continue on my current dosages.

I want to change the name of PIO shots (progesterone in oil) to PIA (pain in the arse) shots. My backside is bruised and sore. The pain even woke me up in the middle of the night last night when I rolled onto my side. As if we IVF’ers don’t have enough going on, why not toss in a little PIA for us! Sure, we can handle it!!!!

Over the weekend I found out DH’s (unmarried) cousin is 12-weeks PG. I somehow rationalize the whole thing by saying that she’s 37 and is running out of time to conceive naturally, so good for her. It was actually planned and she was beaming with excitement so I’m happy for her. Sad for me though. I wish I could just be happy for someone unconditionally without having to rationalize in my head why it’s ok that she’s PG and I’m not (not yet anyway!). I did find out that one of my co-workers got a BFN this weekend. Once again I turn into my evil-hormone-crazed-self and delight in the fact that someone else has not gotten a BFP before me. She has only been trying for 7 months so she’s got to put in more time in order for me to give her sympathy (I blame this kind of talk on the hormones. They make me EVIL). A fellow TTTC’er once said that she first reads someone’s BFP story before posting her “congrats”. If she’s undergone treatments for infertility then she’s part of The Club. If not, to heck with her. I swear that sounds totally sane to me…remember this is the evil-hormone-crazed-me talking here. I am usually a very sweet and happy person. Infertility does crazy things to one’s mind (and body).

Anywho…

I’m going to POAS in three days so I’m keeping my hopes up the best I can. Good things come in threes right? Well, this cousin was #2 (DH’s other cousin was #1) and so I should be lucky #3 to get PG this year. Yup, that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.

Another good thing is that I’m going to test while on vacation with my family so I will have my DH, Mom, and SIL all there to either lend me support or freak out with excitement (hoping for the latter!!!). That will be so much better than my last IVF where I was sitting at my desk when I received the call from my RE. I just couldn’t handle that again so I am a little more at ease knowing that I won’t be in my office when I get the call. I’ll be sitting on a beach with my toes in the sand, happy as a clam. If I get bad news, I’ll be a few steps from the blender and I’ll drown myself in banana daiquiris.

August 17, 2007 - 3dp5dt

It still makes me wonder sometimes when my life became outlined by how many DPO or DPER I am. When was the time that it was just "Friday"??

Anywho, my cramping is getting better every day, just as my nurse said. I'm 98% better. I feel it mostly when I walk so I'm trying to sit as much as I can. I'll be glad when this pain is over and I'm very hopeful that it will all be worth it in the end!

We have a low-key weekend ahead of us. House-warming party Saturday night and just relaxing on Sunday. Taking it nice as easy as my RE suggests after IVF.

Nothing too exciting going in my IF world. This 2ww isn't as bad as previous ones, and I'm not sure why. I still think about it as much but I'm not 'obesssing' like I've done in the past. I'm already 8 DPER and it went by in a blink. I think I just jinxed myself for the next week though. LOL. My backside is starting to get sore from my PIO shots so I'm going to try the ice trick tonight.

I go to my RE on Monday for b/w to check my hormone levels. Hopefully all will be ok.

August 14, 2007 - ET was today

Everything went very well at my ET today. It was a day-5 transfer and I have 3 'excellent' blasts in me right now. One was actually starting to hatch in the picture my RE gave us. It looks like my HS science book and I find it all so fascinating!

My cramps are getting better, but still very much here. My nurse said today would be the worse of it and I should feel better each day. I hope she's right!!! I have had all of the s/e that she mentioned after my ER and they are 10x worse than IVF #1. Constipation was new this cycle and I'm getting over that now...I don't know which is worse: the actual constipation or getting over it. Blech.

I'm on 24-hour bedrest so back to the couch I go to watch some movies and eat ice cream :-)

Friday, Aug. 10, 2007

Still a lot of cramping today. MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR bloating. RE says I should expect alot since I had 25 oocytes pulled out of me.

I got my fert report:

21 were fertilized with ICSI
13 grew overnight into embryos
8 were frozen (yeah!!!!)
5 are in the dish, growing until my ET! Grow embabies, grow!! I'm hoping they'll put three back in, like IVF #1

I'll find out tomorrow if I have a day 3 or 5 ET.

Thurs. August 9, 2007 - ER today!

My ER was this morning and they pulled out 25 oocytes. 21 were mature eggs and all will be fertilized with ICSI. I am in a lot of pain today - major cramping. I'm going to sit on the couch with a heating pad for the rest of the day. I'll post my fert report tomorrow!

Bloating. Sucks.

I have never seen my belly so distended. It's really grossing me out. I have about three pairs of pants/skirts that still fit me and my underwear is getting super tight. I have 25 follies they're tracking and I hope they all have eggs in them! My RE says this bloating is nothing compared to what I'll have after my ER. Gawd I hope he's wrong!!!!

My new protocol seems to be working. I only had 13 follies at this point last IVF cycle. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Our IF journey so far...began March 2006

Our first appoint with my RE, Dr. T was on Halloween 2006. DH's favorite holiday and I was making him go to a doctor. We have been trying since 03/06 with no luck. I've been charting my temp and it looks like our timing has been great. But still nothing.

I had diagnosed myself with LPD. I don't O until CD 20 and my LP is only 10 days long...not nearly long enough for an embryo to nestle into my uterus.

My RE ordered my bloodwork immediately and DH went right away for his SA. He was seething that he had to do this. I was a bit shocked at his reaction. I mean, I was not thrilled that we had to do all of this, but he was TICKED OFF about doing his business in an office. I have no time for his behavior. He's not the one who had to endure countless internal ultrasounds while AF was still here!

We hoped our IF road will be a short one. We were wrong. At that first visit, Dr. T asked if we wanted to get PG this month and we said "Of course, that is why we're here!"

November 2006 - Round 1 of Clomid + trigger + IUI = BFN.
December 2006 - Round 2 of Clomid + trigger + IUI = BFP!!!!!!!!

We were through the roof excited! It was perfect timing, we could tell our families at Christmas. It was perfect! I framed little baby poems in baby picture frames and gave them to our parents as gifts. It was magical. It was the best Christmas of my life.

Dec. 28 I started to spot. My stomach sank and I knew what was about to happen. I had a miscarriage. My life fell apart. A week later I had a D&E and it was all gone. My hopes and dreams felt like they were ripped out of me. I cried at the drop of a hat for a month.

We were back in the saddle in February repeating the same steps at before. BFN.
March, more of the same, another BFN.

In April 2007, I decided I needed to find a new RE. We went over my history and decided that IVF would be the next course of action for us.

I did IVF #1 in May 2007 - BFN.
They don't do two IVF cycles in a row, so June was back to Clomid and IUI, BFN.

July started my BCP's for IVF #2 and me trying to convince myself to stay hopeful.

I started my stims for IVF #2 on July 29. I have a new protocol, inlcuding the BCP's, Lupron, and a new dosage of Gonal-F and Menopur. I am hoping that doing things differently will be the trick for us.

I continue to go for b/w and u/s every other day. My office has been great, giving me the time off I need. I haven't gone into details with them, but they know I am seeing a doctor and having "procedures" done.

My body is getting tired, I've gained about 10 lbs since the start of my fertility drugs back in November and I've not been able to exercise as much as I'd like. On the plus side, my nails have never been nicer thanks to my PNV's!

I think I'm keeping a great attitude about all of this. I get emotional at times, but in general I think I'm doing well.