Wednesday, April 30, 2008

15.5 hours and counting

My transfer will be at 8:15 tomorrow morning. Oh how I'm praying my totsicles make it through the thaw. All three would be FABULOUS but I'd be happy with 2. If you're up that early tomorrow, send me some good vibes :D

I'll then be on bedrest for 24 hours so I won't post again until Friday afternoon sometime. See you ladies then!!!!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I have to buy my own darn table now. LOL.

I forgot to mention what my birthday gift from my parents was.


a.k.a. the price of my FET this month.

They transferred the money into my account on my birthday so I couldn't even say no thank you to it. I was expecting a new picnic table. This is on top of the hundreds (or even thousands) of dollars they have given us for past IVF cycles. That was hugely generous of them. I just finished writing them a thank you note and I said that hopefully one day my birthday present would be able to give both of them a great big hug.

I'm so blessed to have such wonderful parents.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Weekend recap

I had a great birthday weekend. So far 30 doesn't "feel" any different than 29.

Friday night my SIL locked herself and 2 kids out of the house and BIL wasn't coming home till midnight, so they spent the evening with us. We went to our favorite Mexican restaurant and rented Bee Movie. It was actully really cute (I love mind-less movies right now)!

Saturday morning I had my follie check (posted that a few days ago) and I got yummy Cinnabons on my way home. I haven't had one in like ten years and they're still just as delicious!!! Saturday afternoon we were watching the Food Network and saw this great pub and it was only an hour from us. So we got dressed and went for a fun dinner. I still love going on "dates" with Ed :)

Sunday morning I woke up to him looking at me saying "Happy birthday babe!" and I smiled the whole day from that point on. Ed made me a fantastic breakfast, and then I had to go walk a few dogs. When I got back he had baked me a cake -- his first ever! It was chocolate with strawberry icing. He even wrote on it and added some sprinkles (I should have taken a picture). Sunday afternoon my SIL, BIL and their kids came over with cupcakes and gifts - chocolate covered pretzels and a cute picture frame with flip flops (I LOVE flip flops). Then we met my parents, brother, SIL and their kids for an awesome Italian dinner. I ate way too much and they suprised me with yet another cake after we had dessert there. I lost count of how many desserts that I ate in one day. But hey, if you can't splurge on your (30th) birthday, when can you splurge?!?!

So I'm now looking forward to my FET on Thursday and praying I can hold myself together knowing that it would have been one of my EDD's. Everything looks good in my uterus so far and I'm very hopeful at this point.

I start my PIO injections Tuesday morning and I think that is the only thing I'm dreading in this whole cycle. I wish DH didn't have to do them for me, but I just can't bring myself to do those huge needles. I can handle the little sub-q ones, but the IM make me nervous to give to myself.

Thanks for all of your great birthday well wishes :D

Sunday, April 27, 2008

My favorite day of the year!

Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me-eeeeee!
Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Anyone have a wild guess as to what my birthday wish is? LOL.

Saturday, April 26, 2008


I had another u/s and b/w this morning to check my progress.
Lining = 7.8
Follie = 18.5

Then I got a call from my nurse and she told me to trigger!
Yup, that's right - we're on our way for this FET.

So I triggered an hour ago, which will mean I'll O on Monday. And then my day-3 transfer will be Thursday May 1st. That was my EDD from pregnancy #2, so hopefully that will be a good day for us.

I'm off for now, Ed is taking me out for my birthday dinner tonight and then dinner with my family tomorrow.

I can't believe I'm going to be 30 tomorrow. Sigh.

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Newt, you're demoted
To the bottom of my list
For the next nine months!

(On my blogroll list, PG ladies are on the bottom :D)

And thanks for your tip on the POM with seltzer. It tasted so much better and I love carbonation so that was an added bonus!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Infertility's Common Thread

I am most certainly doing this!!
(And how ironic that I read this after posting about my yucky POM juice. LOL.)
And please let me know if any of you would like me to mail you some thread.

This is from Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters:

Paz created a write up that people could place on blogs, bulletin boards, and email forwards:

For anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, struggled with pregnancy, and all things infertile...there is a movement upon us that you might want to join. It's rather simple actually: a discreet ribbon on your right wrist to signal to others that they are not alone in their struggles.

As someone who has had 5 m/c but am currently 5 months pregnant (YEAH), I wonder who looks at my big belly with sadness because they are in the month-to-month struggle. I mentioned to a friend that I wished there was some secret nod or international sign as if to say, this belly was hardwon. Well, she posted this quandary on her blog ( and the response has been quite overwhelming...and a movement has been born!

The pomegranate-colored thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through any means, natural or A.R.T., families created through adoption or surrogacy, or couples trying to conceive during infertility or secondary infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.

Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware. Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasingthis pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others. Just thought I would pass the word along!

Lastly, we have a graphic people can add to their side bars in order to get the word out (and create a link to this post or a similar one so people understand what Infertility's Common Thread is about). Feel free to take and place on your blog or create your own in order to get the word out to others:

and please add a link back to this post:

Follie check

Today is CD 12 and my dominant follie was about 11.5mm. The cyst went down in size (yeah!) and I go back again Saturday for another check.

I thought I'd give the whole pomegranate juice thing a shot. I believe it's supposed to help with implantation. Um, yeah, I'm going to have to go ahead and throw it out. It's pretty nasty. It's thicker than normal juice and the texture kind of grosses me out. Along with the deep red color, it reminds me of blood. Sick, I know. I've had that flavor before, maybe in the Starburst tropical fruit pack or something, and I could never place what the flavor was. Now I know. I tried the straight POM juice but I'm thinking I might give the POM-Cherry a whirl. Maybe that flavor won't be as "thick" or strong.

And I'm sure many of you have noticed this before but the grocery store mid-day during the week is stocked full of PG ladies. Baby bumps were everywhere I looked. That bummed me out a bit...


I heard one child shreaking at the top of his lungs. A good word would actually be "shrilling". And he wouldn't stop. And the mother just ignored him. And everyone started to stare b/c she wasn't doing anything about it. For that split second I was glad to have my world of peace and quiet. Then I thought, no, I would rather deal with a screaming maniac than go on one more day being "child-free". Then my third thought was, oh great I just jinxed myself to have a screaming nut as a kid. LMAO.

I just got off the phone with my pharmacy to order my meds for after my transfer. In an unmedicated cycle, it will still cost me $215 in meds: Medrol dose pack, Femtrace, hCG injection, PIO, Lovenox, and all necessary syringes and needles. Not to mention the baby aspirin, PNV's and doxycycline I'm already taking. Although, I know how much medicated cycles cost so I won't complain too loudly :D

And one more thing. I got some other good news at my appt this morning. I had mentioned in a previous post that they agreed to do this FET for only $1800 since we reached our max for IVF. Well, the nurse told me that also includes all of my monitoring so that means NO MORE COPAYS THIS CYCLE!!!! That is huge!! It's $40 each visit and that really adds up when I have to go three times a week. Yeah, doing the happy dance!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Back in the saddle

Today I had my first appt this month for my FET cycle. I haven't been there in a few months but as soon as I walked in the door I felt like I had never left. Everything is exactly the same, including touching the "fertility wheel" for good luck. It's something hung on the wall that you're supposed to touch at each appt for good luck in the fertility department. I used to be conscious to touch it every time and now I just do it as second nature. No thoughts of "TOUCH THE WHEEL OR YOU'LL JINX YOURSELF!!!" running through my mind. LOL.

The first nurse couldn't get any blood out of me and she tried both arms. OUCH. Then the head nurse came over and did it in two seconds flat. She rocks. Then I went for the u/s where I found out I had a cyst on one of my ovaries. The nurse didn't seem concerned at all, but I have to go back in two days to be sure I'm progressing properly. I got a call this afternoon saying my E2 is low (didn't get an actual number though) but I'm only on CD 10. I usually O around CD 18-20 so we're praying it increases in the next few days so I can O in a week or so. My lining was also only at 6 so that needs to thicken too. I'm on baby aspirin daily so that should help me in that area.

Other than that, nothing new to report. My dog walking business is still going well and I'm totally enjoying not working anymore. I'm so much happier and I am 99% stress-free. Yeah!

Sorry if this was a pretty boring post but I just wanted to get it all in just in case someone else is doing a frozen cycle and they want to compare protocol/results.

See you ladies on Wednesday :-)

Friday, April 18, 2008

What do I think God meant?

I saw this on the Nest today and fell in love with it...

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?"

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones:
"Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "things happen for a reason", of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?
I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."


I know I've vented about my SIL before, and here comes another one.

She has been TTC for over a year now, has had 2 m/c's (well, one was confirmed, her dr never confirmed the first one). She also has Factor V Leiden. She won't go to an RE. She is relying on everything her regular GYN is telling her. She's 34.

She only talks to me when she has a TTC related question. She just emailed me to say her dr finally is going to put her on Clomid and P4. But isn't going to do any monitoring.

That is driving me insane. I hate how GYN's think they can treat infertility. They don't have the education so I would never let a GYN treat me for IF. And I hate how ignorant my SIL is being not being her own advocate, especially when I've been through it all and can give her first-hand, honest advice.

Anyway, I told SIL my experiences with Clomid and why it's a good idea to be properly monitoried through bloodwork and ultrasounds. There are things that can go wrong during a Clomid cycle so it's best to be under the care of a board-certified RE.

She disagrees. Or she doesn't care. She doesn't really think she has a problem anyway. She is going by the fact that her GYN told her it was unnecessary to do all the b/w and u/s. She has also decided against the Heparin injections for her FVL because she doesn't want to take a daily shot and said she'll just "risk it" when she gets PG again.


I want to scream at her for this. Ed holds firm with the opinion that she must not really want a child. Or else she'd do all she could to make it happen. Either that or she's just a dumb bitch. LOL.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Self Dx'ed

I feel so much better that I'm starting my FET protocol. I like having a plan. I like knowing that there are things within my power that I can do to help my cause. I couldn't figure out why I was so disinterested in starting my new cycle before AF arrived. I mean, I was looking forward to it, but there were days that went by that I wouldn't even think about it. Even worse, there were days that I didn't WANT to think about it. And it bummed me out to think I had to do this process all over again. That is unheard of for me over the past 2+ years of TTC.

Now that I've started it, I figured out why I felt that way. Because I couldn't do anything before now. There was no appt schedule to keep, no log of meds to check-off, no OPK's to obsess over, not even a glimmer of hope that I could get a BFP during those "break" months. I was just living my life and there was nothing I could do about this little project. I guess that annoyed me so I thought if I don't even think about it then I won't get disenchanted about the slim possibility of it actually working.

Now I am excited to be back in the saddle again. I know in all reality that it's out of my hands on whether or not an egg sticks, but at lease now I feel like I'm contributing something. I'm sure I don't make much sense; but I'm glad to be back on track and back on a schedule (with checklists, et al).

Now it's totally another story when my head starts to go nuts about where we'll be if this doesn't work but I won't even go there. I'll save all that drama IF it actually happens. But for now I'm going to continue on with optomistic posts that I will probably one day look back on and think "how could I have been so naïve???!!!".

Monday, April 14, 2008

In reply to Newt's question in my comments...

I don't know if she's crazy, but I'm thinking she may have realized how snotty she was. Maybe after talking to one of the other nurse's (Danielle, my favorite) she realized exactly who I was and felt bad for the monumental bitch she was, knowing that I've been through a lot and I don't ask silly questions just for the sake of being a pain in her ass.

Either that or yes she is crazy and finally took her medicine which cheered her up :D

Nurse Ratched, take two

Nurse K called back today at 5 pm. She was SUPER bubbly. She needed to know something totally trivial and I would swear that she was just making an excuse to call me. Just as I answered her question and was ready to hang up, she kept going...she asked what is a good phone number to reach me in case they have to. Um, hello, didn't you just call me? So wouldn't one assume this is a good number to reach me? LOL.

Anyway, I thought it was only fair that since I posted how nasty she was the morning that I should also post that she was cavity-maker sweet this afternoon. Hopefully she's that nice when I see her on Monday.

Maybe she's PMS'ing?

I called my RE's office this morning to say I had CD 1 over the weekend and I am starting my FET cycle now. Well, I got a huge bitch of a nurse to talk to. Now K is usually VERY nice but there was a bug up her butt today. First off I was annoyed because I've been seeing them for a year now and she couldn't remember who I was. I had to spell my last name three times for her to find my chart and she still didn't know who I was. Nice. Then she said she'd start me on BCP's right away and I butted in to say no that I'm doing a natural FET cycle. She put me on hold. Came back and said, who is this again? I said my name and she was like "ok, let's or you BCP's today". Ugh. I had to go through the whole thing with her again. Then she wouldn't order all of my meds at once (doxy, medrol, femtrace, P4). She'd just order the doxy and wait on the rest. I asked her to do it all together to make it easy for me so I just had to go to CVS once. She said no. Now I got annoyed becuase they always do that for me, and I've been through many cycles with them. She also told me to come in on CD 10. All of my other cycles had me going in on CD 3 for a baseline but she said no. No explanation or anything. So fine, I'll sit tight until 4/21. But now I'm annoyed. And that was it. She said good-bye and hung up. So I'm sitting here thinking she didn't say anything about aspirin or PNV's. I know I'm supposed to take them, but she seriously should have reminded me. So I called back ten minutes ago and got a difference nurse. I was concerned they didn't go over everything with me and wanted to verify it all with her. She said she'd order everything for me. Great. And then she said to be sure I take a daily PNV and baby apirin starting today. Perfect. Then K calls me back and said no they are not going to order everything for me just yet. She was so snooty I wanted to rip her a new one. But I know I need them to help me out so I was just all nice and sweet. It was so hard for me to bite my tongue! LOL.

So, in a nutshell, I'm waiting for my first appt on 4/12 which will be CD 10 for me.

They'll monitor me for O and I guess at that point I'll get my E2 and P4 prescriptions, along with my medrol dose pack. And I'm stewing b/c she was so rude. I hope she's not there next Monday but if she is, I'll do as my Grandmother always said and "kill her with kindness".

Sunday, April 13, 2008

And so it begins, again.

Today is CD 1 and the start of our second FET cycle. This will be my fourth transfer and I'm comforted knowing that I know exactly what to expect as far as the protocol and procedures. So, in about 17-18 days I'll ask for some serious prayers that our 3 totsicles survive the Great Defrost and they make it safely into my uterus. And then I'll need all the sticky dust you can spare in hopes that one or more hang on for the long haul.

It's also exactly two weeks until my 30th birthday. I'm extremely unhappy that I won't be PG by then but at least I'll be in the midst of the cycle that will hopefuly get me there. As I'm sure I said before, I always thought growing up that I'd be done having my kids by the time I was 30. Obviously that ain't gonna happen and I've come to terms with it for the most part. But it still makes me pause for a moment when I think about it. To look on the bright side, at least I can get smashed on my b'day right? LOL.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Shout out to Katie


Thank you so much for my beautiful scarf. I love getting packages and I almost giggled when yours arrived on my doorstep (poor Jimmy, we were heading out for our morning walk and I grabbed the package and went back inside. The sad little fella just whined at the door while I opened the box and then tried on my scarf. He had to pee and couldn't care less about my gift :D).

I will post pictures soon but I wanted to say how much I love it. And you are one crafty lady to have made that. It's perfect.

Love and hugs,

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I've been tagged.

This tag is all about listing six unimportant things about myself. And as Newt said, some are quite embarassing...

1. I am impatient person. If you're not done something by the time I expect you to be, I'm tired of waiting and I've moved on.

2. When I was eight I was almost swept out into the ocean. I was caught in a current and the lifeguards had to come save me. We ended up on rocks and I was all cut but I couldn't focus on anything except the super hot lifeguard. I think that was my first crush. I would blush whenever I saw him for the rest of the summer.

3. My second toe is longer than my big toe and Ed says it looks like a penis. I vehemently deny that it does.

4. I need new underwear. Almost every pair I own now has a tiny blood dot stain that marks where my PIO shots were given. You'd think I'd invest in band-aids but I didn't want to go through more pain pulling them off of my ass. LOL.

5. I still try to sneak peaks for my Christmas presents. I've never grown up in that aspect and get such a kick out of searching through my parents' house around Christmas time :D

6. I hate to floss. Hate it. HATE IT. I know I should do it, but I hate it.

This is who I tag...hopefully none of you have had to do it yet...


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

My Three

Taking Newt's lead, here are the three things I am most grateful for...

1. I too am grateful it is Spring. My 30th birthday is in (gulp) 19 days and I have always loved April. I love those first days of opening up the windows at home and getting that fresh feeling all through the house. I love the sound of the birds and I love seeing my Jimmy lounge on the deck for hours in the sun, only moving to chase the occassional squirrel through the yard. I'm so glad it's Springtime!

2. I am grateful that Rita's water ice is now open and that they have fat-free custard and sugar-free water ice. Mix them together in a wonderful guilt-free gelati treat!!!

3. I am grateful for the new outlets near my house. I went shopping with my Mom yesterday and with the awesome sales, I got three pairs of shoes for $40!!! Life is good :D

Your turn. What are the three things you grateful for?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Tears of Remembrance

I feel like such a thief, always stealing stuff from Katie, but I just wanted to share this here too...

Tears of Remembrance

There will come a day when the tears of sorrow will softly flow into tears of remembrance and your heart will begin to heal itself and grieving will be interrupted by episodes of joy and you will hear the whisper of HOPE.

There will come a day when you will welcome the tears of remembrance as a sunshower of the soul; a turning of the tide; a promise of PEACE.

There will come a day when you will risk loving; go on believing; and treasure the tears of remembering.

--Author Unknown

I'm finally at the whisper of HOPE again. I felt like I was stuck in sorrow and grieving forever and then hope came and made my world bright again. Hope is a wonderful thing. It is what keeps me moving forward. Without it, I wouldn't know how to fight my way out of the constant sadness. To say "risk loving" is so poignant to me. That is exactly how it feels. If I am lucky enough to have another BFP it will be a huge risk to allow my heart to fall in love with my baby inside me. But I will. There is no other way for me. So I will take the risk. The leap of faith. I will jump off the huge cliff and have hope that I will have the chance to love again.

Friday, April 4, 2008

I'm not crazy, I swear

So based on the few comments I received about my job, and from my mother's response to my happier-than-expected I'm not crazy for being ok with losing my job. There are so many more things that matter to me in my life that I'm going to allow myself to get upset over this. I have lost way too many babies and cried rivers over them that I don't feel losing my job deserves the same tears that my angels had. Does that make sense? Or am I actually nuts? LOL.

I cannot not allow myself to be upset or stressed out. We have all heard it a zillion times...relax and you'll get PG. Well I can't afford any extra stress in my life so I'm not going to get upset. This is good timing. With my transfer coming at the end of this month I can spend the next few weeks taking care of myself and then after the transfer I can take it easy and (hopefully) let nature take its course and wait for a baby or two to snuggle into my uterus for the next 9 months.

I love all of my new doggie clients so now I'll be able to spend more time with them and not have to rush from work to their homes and back to work again...and LESS stress. And less stress = better chance for a BFP.

So no, none of you sound mean when you say you're happy I lost my job. I know it sounds weird. Too bad I'm not on Clomid. This sure does sound like a "Clomid Crazies" kind of thing to say :D

I lost my job.

I knew my gut feeling was right. They said it has nothing to do with job performance (not that I was worried about that) but it was job elimination. And I can collect unemployment, so that's good. I guess they may have realized with all of the time I was taking off and things were still getting done that they didn't need anyone full time. And I made a very good salary for what I did. Gosh, they didn't really need me at all. I wasn't busy half the time so I spend most of my days staring at the clock praying for 5:00 to come quickly.

But at least this now lets me focus my time on my dog walking business and getting PG again. Lucky for me they are keeping my benefits until May 31st, so if I am blessed enough to get PG, that should last the entire time I'm at my RE until I go to the regular OB. And at that point I can get onto Ed's benefit plan.

I was smiling the whole time HR was talking to me. I just kept thinking this was perfect timing. Now I can de-stress about my job and focus on happy things and focus on getting my mind and body ready for my FET.

Ed is another story. He wants to kill my manager. He's furious but I keep telling him that this can be a very good thing. We just can't let it get to us. So I'm going out to lunch with my Mom today and I'll spend the rest of the day lounging on the couch with Jimmy. It's raining here so maybe I'll get some movies and popcorn. Sounds like a great day to me :D

Thursday, April 3, 2008

In other news...

My dog walking business is flourishing. I have had quite a few referrals and my client list is growing. I am so exicted as this money is going right to our FET (#2) next month!!

I have quite a few dogs that I LOVE and one that, well, um, he's kind of a prick. He's a Scottie and only 11 months old but boy is he fiesty. He constantly attacks my feet when we're walking. Lucky for me his mouth is small so there is no damage to my little piggies, but man it still hurts. Then when we get back to the house I let him hang out a bit with me before I leave. And the jerkiness continues. In my head I'm thinking this little nut should be thanking his lucky stars that I don't shove him into a close. LOL. Just kidding. His owner told me to "scold" him when he bites but the dog is just oblivious. He's not very smart and doesn't know any commands. No sit. No stay. No down. No off. I'm glad he's not a very regular client as I'm starting to dread my visits with him. But as long as the owner's checks clear in my account...I'll be happy to do it :D

New topic...
I think my office is looking to replace me. I'm sure they hated how much time I've taken off for RE visits in the past 17 moths (including 6 weeks disability over Christmas). And now I have to put in for more time with my FET in four weeks. Plus all the regular time off I want for my vacation this year. I get paid too much to be missing this much work. I just have a hunch that they're interviewing people and when they find someone they'll let me go. I don't care as much about the job, I can always find a new one, but I'll be devastated if I don't have IF coverage.

As if I don't have enough stress in my life. Geesh.