I went to the doctor, I went to the mountain (singing Indigo Girls in my head)...

I went for my first visit with a counselor last night. Although it was a very rough hour, I’m so glad I went. She started off going through my life history, which was fine, but then we got to the reason I was there. Without saying a word I got choked up, teary-eyed and couldn’t speak. She let me take all the time I needed to actually get the words out. She was very caring and motherly, which is great for me. She was pretty much in shock that I had just had my 2nd m/c ten days ago and was able to talk so well about it already.

She helped me realize just how consumed my life has been with my TTC journey over the past 20 months. I knew that I was obsessed, but I guess just in the back of my head, and to actually admit to it was very difficult. She helped me with seeing that I need to do things for myself and it’s natural and normal for me to find it difficult to be around PG women and babies. She said it is fine to remove myself from those situations if I find them too difficult. The goal is not to alienate myself, but there is no sense is punishing myself even more by forcing a smile when I clearly am heartbroken inside. She said we’ll work on areas on how to turn my brain off so that I’m not constantly thinking about TTC or my 2 m/c’s. I’m a “thinker” and that is SO hard for me to just NOT think about TTC.

One other thing she helped me realize is that I’ve never really had to deal with loss. In my eyes, I have only had one great loss… I had lost my grandmother when I was 18 (we were close, she always lived with us) but she had been sick for years and I had been preparing for the worst all that time. She was to the point where we were glad she was not suffering any more so it was easier to deal with. Plus, I had just started college so I was wrapped up in a busy life to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have that now. It’s like I eat, sleep and breath TTC and my IF struggles. My life has become consumed by that and my scheduling is all around when I have to be at my RE’s office, especially during IVF cycles when I’m there every three days. All of my friends and family are having babies so I am constantly reminded about the fact that I don’t have a baby (yet!). I have never had anything in my life that I was unable to attain. I guess my control-freak and goal-oriented nature has not been able to deal with the fact that I just cannot make this happen. There is nothing more I can do and that drives me insane.

Ok, now I’m rambling J I just wanted to share how helpful I thought it was, even for my first visit. I go back in 10 days so hopefully I’ll be able to cry less so that we can accomplish more. LOL. Anyway, if any of you are contemplating speaking with someone about your struggles or your loss, I would highly recommend it.