I got lectured.

Ever since I was very young I was in good physical shape. I was involved in sports, cheerleading, gymnastics and other stuff so I could eat what I wanted and still stay fit. I grew to love sweet snacks and I still crave them almost daily.

I was grocery shopping the other day and filling my car with the proper fruits, veggies, lean proteins and other good stuff for me and baby. Then I got to the freezer section. And I saw them. There was a beam of light coming from the box and they were calling my name...



I just HAD to get them. They practically jumped into my cart so I couldn't bring myself to put them back.

And I had two for breakfast yesterday morning. My mouth watered as I smelled them in the toaster oven. And with my heightened sense of smell (nice PG side effect) I could barely contain myself as they toasted. Then the toaster dinged and the best part was about to come...the icing. These little packets of yummy sweetness are worth their weight in gold. I sqeeze every last drop of icing out of the pouch in a decorative swirl on the pastry.

I sit down with my glass of OJ and savor every bite. It's like I have a little O with each mouthful. And they are gone too soon. But, I know I have more in the freezer and I look forward to the next morning when I can experience that little bit of heaven all over again. Sigh. I love Toaster Strudels.

Fast forward to dinner last night...I was telling Ed about my glorious breakfast and he looked at me in sheer horror. What did I say? What was so wrong? Did I have something on my face? He was just staring at me.

"What??"

And then it started. I haven't been lectured like that since I was a child. He was going on about how I can't eat that stuff now that I'm growing a little nugget we worked so hard to get. He went on and on....and on....and on....

Oh the guilt. I will now be craving my wonderful strawberry pastry treat for the next 8 months.

Thinking of you, Katie

Please stop by Katie's blog and wish her well on her surgery today!

I have a link on "Katie's" but the underline doesn't show up.

I big-puffy-heart you ladies!

Thank you so much for all of your positive vibes. I had my u/s today at 6w3d and we have a nice big yolk sac. There was no hb yet but we could see the "equal sign" that will hopefully develop into the heartbeat. My Mom can't go back with me until next Friday so I'll have to wait nine days until my next appt (instead of the usual week). That's ok, next time I go I want to see a nice strong heartbeat!!

Oh my god this is going to be a llllllloooooonnnnngggg 9 days. I'm sure I'll be calling on you ladies for some support between now and then :D

May I have your attention please?

I need everyone of you ladies in blogland to pool your good vibes together for me. I need all the prayers and positive thoughts you can muster up. I have my follow up u/s tomorrow and we'll be able to see if this is a viable pregnancy.

I've been spotting (brown) just about every other day so my nerves are frazzled to bits and pieces. I'm hanging on by a thread and enjoying what may be my last day - ever - to be pregnant.

I know, that's maga mellow dramatic but I think I've earned the right to be that way at this point. Ed has been very tense the past few days. I know he doesn't know what to do with himself and he is so scared we'll get bad results. As always, my Mom is going to my appt with me in case I need to be carried out.

I'm scared to death.

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): Ed, my Mom
C - Cake or Pie: Cake
D - Day of Choice: Saturday
E - Essential Item: my flat iron
F - Favorite Color(s): Blue
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
H - Hometown: Philadelphia
I - Indulgence(s): Purses (I think I have one for every week of the year)
J - January or July: January - my EDD :D
K - Kids: come hell or highwater!!
L - Life is incomplete without: Ed and Jimmy
M - Marriage Date: 10.11.03
N - Number of Siblings: 2 older brothers
O - Oranges or Apples: Oranges
P- Phobias or Fears: Bugs
Q - Quote: Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
R- Ring size: 7
S - Season: Fall
T- Tag 3 Friends: Ariel, Kristen, Katie
U - Unknown fact about me: I am a terrible cleaner and yet I hate messes!
V - Very favorite stores: Target, Ann Taylor Loft
W - Worst Habit: Picking my finger nail polish
X-ray or Ultrasound: Had tons of both
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): Mexican or Italian
Z - Zodiac: Taurus

Annoying couple of days

I was so sick yesterday. It started Thursday afternoon with what I thought was just allergies. I was sneezing like a maniac and my eyes were watery itchy. I've had allergies since I was 8 so this is nothing new for me. Then I felt worse and worse and Thursday evening wore on.

Then I woke up Friday feeling like total crap. I barely slept since I could hardly breath so I was exhausted from the get-go. I stayed on the couch all day. Luckily I didn't have any pets to visit so I stayed in my PJ's all day. It felt like a bad cold, I had a terribly sore throat and my sinuses were all stuffy and very sore. I was miserable. I didn't eat much excpet a muffin and some fruit. DH ordered dinner and I couldn't eat much of it since it was hard to chew with my nose all stuffy. Plus, I could barely taste a thing.

I took some Tylenol allergy PM (ok'd by my RE) and slept pretty well last night. I feel a bit better this morning, but still stuffy and just tired overall. Then I go to the bathroom. As always, I'm on TP Patrol and notice some brown spotting.

Perfect.

Just what I needed today.

5w 3d update

I had my follow up b/w and u/s today and my RE says everything is going fine. We saw a gest. sac and he would like to see the yolk sac next week. I could have sworn that we needed to see the yolk sac today but I'm trusting my RE...as hard as that is for me to do.

My beta is 1700 and he thinks that is good based on my original 13.6 and ignoring my other betas. He still believes in the vanishing twin theory, but also said Lovenox has been known to screw with betas. So not only is my belly bruised and lumpy from the Lovenox, now it's fucking with me and putting me through beta hell. Those injections were supposed to be my answer to my RPL and now they're just messing things up in my mind. I just can't seem to win. Blech.

I go back Wed. 5/28 and there is no sense in me losing my mind over the next week. So as long as I don't see any red spotting (and I'm on major TP patrol) then I'm going with the mantra "I am pregnant today and I'm happy today".

Why does this have to be soooo hard?

Blog Roll...

Hey Ladies,

When I changed the template on my blog I lost my blog roll list :(
I'm trying to find everyone's but can you please post the link to your blog so I can add it again?

Thanks!!

Comic Relief!

Some of you may remember that back in Oct/Nov we had a foster dog named Reilly. Well, she's back. Her adoptive family couldn't keep her due to family issues so we get to foster her again! I am excited beyond words. Jimmy loves having her back and Ed has even mentioned he's thinking about keeping her.

So in the midst of beta-hell Reilly is making me laugh :D

What the fuck?

I seriously don't know if I can handle this.

My 3rd beta came back at 445. It was 409 two days ago. My RE said that he's not really concerned because Wed.'s betas seemed awfully high to him (409), like the lab make a mistake or I'm losing a twin.

My first beta was 13.6 and 6 days later it was 409, so that basically said I doubled every single day, which is not normal (for a singleton). So if I had only doubled every two days, then Wed would have been around 100, and today would have been only 200. So he thinks I should stay optimistic about my 445.

If I take my 13.6 from 5/8 and 445 from 5/16, my doubling time is 37.7 hours (1.56 days). Which is textbook ideal doubling time.

Part of my thinks that makes total sense but then part of me thinks it's a total load of crap.

I don't go back again until Wed. for b/w and an u/s. This is going to be the longest fucking 5 days of my life, and I've had some VERY long days during my IF journey.

Bring it on.

I had heartburn pretty bad the first few days after I started my PIO shots after my transfer. I know that heartburn is a side effect of P4 but then it went away for the past ten days or so. I figured my body was adjusting to the level of P4. Now it's back. Is this a symptom? If so, I welcome it with open arms!!!

For the past two days it's been almost unbearable for me to brush my teeth. I remember this from pgncy #2. Unfortunately there is no way around it as I have to brush my teeth every day. Does anyone have suggestions on getting through that chore? Mouthwash is out of the question. I gag just thinking of the taste. Blech.

I am thrilled to be having these (albeit minor) symptoms. We all know that m/s can be a sign of a healthy pgncy so I'll be sick for the full nine months if that means I'll deliver a happy and healthy baby. I'll puke morning, noon and night if I have to.

With misty eyes...

Aw, Katie, way to make me tear up. That was a very sweet comment :)
I wish I could give you a hug!

Goosebumps

I got my beta results...drumroll please...409. I got goosebumps when my nurse told me that number.

She said I was at 13.6 six days ago at my 7dpet b/w, so the doubling time is 1.22 days (28.9 hours). Phew. I just can't believe it yet. So I go back on Friday just to "double check" and to keep my mind at ease. My nurse said she can certainly understand that I must be freaking out at this point. I could hear all the nurses in the background cheering for me and sending their love.

Do you think it would be ok if I did shots of super glue to make sure my embaby sticks?? LOL.

**UPDATED**
Newt gave me a good idea...eat sticky foods instead of super glue. My first thought was sticky buns...yumm-o! What I wouldn't give for a huge Cinnabon with EXTRA frosting...mmmmmmm!! Great idea, Newtie ;)

TP Patrol

So I haven't had any more spotting since yesterday morning and I'm hoping I'm not jinxing myself by saying that. My HPT line is darker than it was on Friday so I guess that's a good sign too.

Yesterday (Mother's Day) was very hard. Not only did I wake up to spotting, a few hours later my SIL called to tell me all about the great gifts her two kids made for her. I'm not exagerating when I say she went ON AND ON about how cute they were. I started crying on the phone but didn't let her know I was upset. Now I'm not saying she shouldn't be a proud mother, but please know your audience. She knows EVERYTHING we've been through but doesn't know we just did our last FET and that I'm PG again so you would think she'd be a little more tacful with me on such a touchy day.

I'm just a nervous wreck and impatiently waiting for my beta on Wednesday. I thought about calling to go in today but I'm trying my best to stay sane and convince myself that everything will be fine on Wed. and I'll go back on Friday for the repeat beta, and everything will be fine then too.

Repeating to myself......everything will be fine......everything will be fine.......everything will be FINE.

Happy Mother's Day :(

It may be over before it even begins...brown spotting this morning :(

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a second line!! It's very light (I'm 11 dpo) but it is most certainly there. I don't even have to squint. I walked into the bathroom and I could see it before I even picked up the test stick.

OOOOOOOMMMMMGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!

In the words of Newt: Hang on embaby or else you're seriously going to be grounded!!! Hang on with with every bit of strength you have. Your life depends on it!!

Oh God, please let he fourth time be the charm. PLEASE.

Ho hum.

Now is the all-too-familiar part of my cycle where I start to get depressed. If my embabies were going to implant, they would have done so by now. And I have no idea if they're still with me or not. I want so badly to stay hopeful and still rub my belly and talk to my little ones in there, but then I think that I don't want to get too attached for fear that in a few days I'll get a BFN.

I will be 13dpo on Mother's Day (my Dad's birthday) and I would so love to test that morning; but what if it's negative? Then I'll ruin an already hard day for me. And Ed's birthday is the day after and I think the same about testing that day. I wouldn't want to ruin his birthday either.

I just can't get out of this depressing funk these past few days. I know this is our last chance and these may be the last couple of days that I have any hope that a baby is actually starting to grow inside me. And I just don't think it is. I don't feel anything. No twinges. No soreness.

Nothing.

Today is "Busted's" first day back to work. I hope she is doing well.

6x6

Here is my 6x6, as posted by Glow in the Woods.

1 In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your loss, and then after? Before: Naive
After: Skeptical

2 How do you feel around pregnant women?
Jealous. Sad. Angry. Jealous.

3 How do you answer the 'how many children' question? None yet.

4 How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first? I don't have any children, but of course I will tell them what I've been through in order to conceive them.

5 What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking? Another pregnancy would mean the world to me. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to get through it but I'm sure "one day at a time" will be my steady mantra.

6 Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say? This is not the end of the world. You will go on and you will be stronger. You will be a more compassionate person. You will learn that you have a path laid out for you that entails helping others through their journey as they help you through yours.

Houston, we have cramping.

And cramping was my first "symptom" each of the other three times I was PG.

Not that I'm even thinking about beginning to get my hopes up. But still. I just wanted to go on record in my blog that on this day, 6 dpo, I have started cramping.

That's all I have to say about that (doing my best Forrest Gump impersonation).

The Screen Door

My FET was yesterday and everything was perfect. We put back two little embabies and I'm hoping they're getting ready to snuggle in for the long haul. Thank you all so much for your great well wishes. Ariella, thank you for your comment, that was so sweet of you.

I posed a while ago about feeling stuck in the dark hallway with the doors of my dreams slamming in my face. Well, this is point in my cycle where I feel those solid doors are now screened doors. I can see inside those worlds I want to be part of, but yet I'm still in the hallway. The screens let in some light and give me a lot of hope, but I'm still waiting for the door to open. Thank you all so much for being in my hallway with me. Some of you visit me daily and we keep each other company. I couldn't have gotten to this place of hope without you great women and your constant prayers and good thoughs.

So now there is nothing I can do but wait through the rest of my 2ww.

And take my injections.

My newest one is Lovenox. And while it's a tiny sub-q injection, it stings like a mother fukcer. It's like I'm injecting acid directly into my belly. I just keep saying to myself that's it's all worth it and hopefully this will help me sustain a pregnancy. Hopefully. I'm also continuing my PIO and started my Femtrace (estrogen) today. With all of these hormones and drugs pumping in me I should probably go away on vacation so I don't become psycho with Ed. LOL.

And my SIL just told me this morning she had m/c #3 confirmed yesterday. I've posted about her before and I chalk it up to her totally irresponsible GYN who had her stop her P4 at 10 dpo before testing her beta. But whatever, it's not my life/body and I can't make her do anything, no matter how much I try. So it seems like she'll be starting Clomid - unmonitored - this cycle so all I can do is pray it works for her and that her dr is then on the ball to help her stay PG.

I guess that is it for my updates. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!