Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Some thing are just never easy.

Getting AF is one of those things.

In my head I know it's totally absurd to think we could conceive on our own. And yet I held out hope. This was my first cycle after my most recent miscarriage and I know we timed things perfectly. I prayed it would work and that we'd be one of those lucky couples who conceived while "on a break". No such luck. AF showed today. And even though the logical side of me knew there wasn't a change in hell it would work, I was still devastated to see that all-two-familiar pink streak on my toilet paper this morning. My eyes filled with tears and all I could do was sigh and stare at the TP.

I'm having a hard time keeping hope alive. I'm letting myself think that we may be faced with a childless future. I always held out hope but it's fading. We have reached our maximum for IVF coverage so anything more we do will be paid out of pocket. We still have 3 totcicles so we aren't (yet) faced with paying for a full fresh IVF cycle, but an FET is still a few thousand dollars (after the thousands we have already paid in co-pays and stuff). I have taken SO much time off from work that I can't imagine my boss allowing much more. The stress is getting to me. I crumble at the drop of a hat. I cry at everything. And the really sad stuff...well I just turn into a puddle of goo and gasp helplessly while crying the ugly cry (or something similar as Oprah calls it). I can't make decisions any more. I'm doing something I never did...I'm second guessing myself. I change my mind a million times and just don't feel confident. But then, like a light switch, I'm my old self. I think I'm turning bi-polar or something. I'm sure all of my emotions are totally normal for my situation, but I feel like an alien with no home.

EVERYTHING reminds me of babies. Old people remind me that I may be alone when I'm their age without anyone to visit me in the home.

Why do I think/say such depressing things?? I was always the optimist. 26 months ago I would have said that if I couldn't have kids well then that would mean I'd have more time/money to travel, buy the convertible I want, never have to watch Barney, etc etc etc. Now all I think about is that I WANT TO WATCH BARNEY. And then I want to kick myself for wanting to watch Barney...and there in lies my bi-polar disorder. LOL.

And I'm still losing my mind waiting for my RPL blood panel results. I have a week or so to go for mine and 2-3 weeks for Ed's.

You know that song at the beginning of "My Best Friend's Wedding" are my words...

Sitting and waiting and hoping and praying
Planning and dreaming that we will conceive...

Ok, that's all I have so far. I'm too busy being grumpy that AF is here to really be clever enough to write song lyrics :D


Katie said...

I don't even have anything to say that will make you feel better, because I to have been in the funk. It's such a strange feeling. I told Mike the other day I felt bi-polar. I didn't know it was possible to have so many emotions. But if it will make you smile, I ordered the yarn for your scarf last night :) Sending you big virtual hugs my dear

Busted said...

I know I can't change what you're feeling or even say I understand, so I just wanted to give you big (((HUGS))).

Malloryn said...

I'm sorry, it is so hard. Dealing with IF really is like riding a roller coaster. I hope you feel an upswing again soon. ::hugs::