Monday, March 24, 2008

Out of the blue.

My SIL offered to be a surrogate.

I don’t know how I feel about that so this post is going to sound like I’m nuts. LOL. Ed’s first reaction to his sister was to get angry. Mine was to cry. We haven’t gotten along with her in our entire 4.5 years of being married and yet she’s the only one to offer this to us. Part of me feels that I will resent her forever if she carries my baby. She’s always been very smug with us and this would be one HUGE issue where she could say “I could do something you couldn’t do”. Petty, I know. But still. Part of me isn’t ready to give up on my own body yet. I (still!) haven’t received my RPL results and I’m sure that would influence my decision. If my RE says there is nothing wrong with me, so no medical reason that would have caused my 3 losses, well I will be devastated that there is nothing to “fix” and maybe I’ll be ok with the surrogate thing then. But if there is something wrong that we can fix, then I’m almost positive that I’d want to give my body another shot at it with some additional assistance from my RE.

I know this isn’t a decision we need to make right away but it’s still all I can think about. I never had this enter my mind so I didn’t even have an answer or reaction prepared. I think that is what got Ed so angry. Nobody asked her for that. We never even said that was an option for us to pursue. We said that I’m still waiting for results and she just offered it up. Ed thinks she was out of line. Granted it was a very nice gesture but we all know how well-meaning people can come off totally insensitive when they say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Does that even make sense?? It caught me totally off guard.

I don’t know if I could let someone carry my child. Plus, she is of AMA and overweight so it’s not even an ideal situation. Would I hold her responsible if she had a miscarriage of MY babies? I know I blame myself for my 3 losses so there is nothing stopping me from blaming someone else. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn so obviously I’m in no position to think about it with an open mind and clear head. Maybe I should just shelf the idea at least until I get my RPL results back. SIL did say that she’s only offering that once and she’ll never bring it up again. Which is good that she won’t hound us asking if we made our decision about it. Maybe Ed will change his mind once we get our results and he’s not so angry as his sister. Maybe I’ll change my mind. But maybe we won’t. I think it would be easier if it was my family member or even if it was a stranger.

I know I'm just rambling but I had to get those thoughts out of my head.

How did I get here?

2 comments:

Bec said...

Oh hon, that must have come as a big shock for you. I think waiting for the results is a good idea, it is such a big decision to make. ((HUGS))

Trish said...

Wow.. that would be a big decision.. and I certainly think such an offer should come after you mention actually considering surrogacy.
I had a few people mention it here or there before we'd even gotten pregnant and I always felt weird. As far as we know, my body is fine.. let us find out what's up before making assumptions.