Sunday, March 16, 2008

Emotional evening

It always seems that no matter what the topic of conversation is in our house, we always go back to IF/RPL. Ed and I were having a perfectly fine dinner tonight. We were talking about my dog walking business, his new job that he loves, some improvements we'd like to make on our house, etc. It was all very positive, happy stuff. And then we hit a sharp curve in the road and all of a sudden we were both in tears taking about baby stuff.

Each of us mentioned how we're starting to face reality in the fact that we may not have children, and how we're dealing with it emotionally. It's very hard for both of us and we each said that we're scared of being 80 years old and alone in a nursing home, with no children or grandchildren to visit us. It's a very real and scary fear, but I never thought he had that feeling. Something is so comforting when you know you're not alone. We then talked about how we cope with these fears and kind of talk ourselves through the bad times. He said that when he decided to ask me to marry him, that was all that mattered in life to him. Of course we both wanted a few children, but he knew then that if he had me forever, he'd be happy forever. Children would just be an "extra blessing". But they weren't neccesary for his happiness. I found myself thinking that I couldn't argue with that. In fact, I agree with it. As long as he's my husband (forever, I hope) then I'll be happy. We have a great marriage and a wonderful friendship. We respect & adore each other and have a lot of fun together.

In all honesty, if it was just the two of us (and our dog of course :D) from now on, well, I'd have to be pretty hard-pressed to not be happy with that. Granted I would be THRILLED beyond words to have children, but I'm very thankful for my life with Ed and we are very lucky and blessed with our home and lifestyle. How could I want more out of life?

But I do. And how do I say to him that I want more? Does that make me a terrible wife? I want a family. And that while he is good enough to make me happy, happier than I ever imagined, that I still want to have a family in order to feel complete? Does that mean my marriage isn't fulfilling? No. Not at all. It just means that I've wanted to be a Mommy as long as I've wanted to be married (my whole life) and I'm not yet ready to give up on that dream.

But I know that if children aren't part of my future, I will be ok. I will be better than ok. I'll be married to a man who thinks the world of me and wants nothing more. I will want for nothing and have enough love to keep me warm at night and to keep my heart happy.

I just feel my heart being tugged in two directions and I don't know which way to run towards. (Geesh, this sounds a lot like my bi-polar post yesterday, LOL.) If I could see into the future and know what would happen I could gear my life in that direction. But I don't know what will happen so I have to continue a little while longer on this uncerain path. I have to live my life day to day and do what will make me happy right now. In this moment. With no amount of planning can I will something to happen. So I will be thankful for I have in my life right now and be especially thankful I have a wonderful and handsome husband who wants to grow old with me.

And I should be getting my RPL test results back sometime this week so I'm sure I will need extra strength to handle the results. Please send some good "strength" vibes my way if you can spare some.


Ariella said...

I understand the need for somehing more, to need to be a mom. I don't know how you tell your partner something like that.

~*~*~*~*~*~Good test Result dust~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And lots of strength.

Trish said...

I don't think being happy & wanting more are mutually exclusive, babe.

Even completely taking emotions out of it, reproduction is a basic instinct of every living thing. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.