Tuesday, January 15, 2008

What to do, what to do?

I really need something new to focus on. We've been TTC since March 2006, so that has been my "project" for almost two years now. I'm learning not to focus on that so much so I'm looking for something else to take up my time and energy.

DH and I are discussing selling our house. While we have made many great memories here, it is also filled with many bad ones. I have had three m/c's in this house and I can still picture me in specific rooms when certain things have happened. It is burned into my brain the picture of me sitting in the living room staring out the window waiting for DH to come home after m/c #2 and #3. I can still see me collapsing in his arms in our foyer. That is all I can see when I think of my foyer.

We have a swing set that was left by the prior owners and DH and I sat on it when we started planning our family and I can vividly remember me saying "In a year we'll be swinging our little baby here!" Well, that was 18 months ago and still no little toddler has used that swing set. We have a spare bedroom that has been dedicated as our baby's room. It needs to be painted but we've been waiting until we knew whether to do it blue or pink. I can't bare the thought of painting it something neutral just to make a pretty guest room. I won't go into much detail, but the master bathroom is a horrible place...the last I saw baby #2 and sac #3.

There are scenarios like that for every room of my house. There is space left for a little one that we've been unable to fill. Maybe buying a new home would do us some good?? It might help to get these bad memories out of my day-to-day life. I know they'll always be with me but it's even harder when I visualize them wherever I go. We don't put anything on the front of our fridge, except for our u/s pictures. Now that I see a totally blank fridge it just adds to my emptiness. We have had a few different pictures come and go but it seems so much more glaring now.

We have this huge house with extra bedrooms and big yard that is perfect for a big family. What do we need it for?? I know we're not giving up on TTC but we're spending a lot on a mortgage that isn't fulfilling it's original purpose. With the extra money from downsizing we could afford more IF treatments and go on a much-needed vacation. We could enjoy ourselves more and not feel we need to save every extra penny for treatments or the future child. We need to bring fun back to our marriage and fun isn't always free (LOL). I don't know what to do. I want someone else to make this decision for me. Part of me feels that it's giving up but part of me feels it would help my sanity to have new surroundings. Does that even make sense??

I also thought a good "project" would be to foster another dog or two. I haven't since November. Some of you may remember my last foster Reilly. She got her period when I was desperately praying for a visit from AF after my 2nd m/c. Well I hadn't specified that AF was to visit ME and instead my dog got the visit. LOL. Anyway...I would love to help out other dogs and maybe this would be a good time for me to foster again. It would totally bring joy back to our home and it might help pass some time until we can TTC again. I'm sure it would be great mental healing for me.

I just need something to focus on b/c I am totally dwelling on the negatives right now.


Ariella said...

I understand the need for another project. We foster kittens durring the spring and summer and it is a great thing to do. I hope you can find something to take your mind off IF.

As for me, my next project is to go back for Grad school.

Trish said...

Obviously I don't know the right answer for what you should do.
What I do know is that it'll be okay either way.
If you keep the house, you'll make new memories.. better memories.
If you don't, you'll make new memories... better memories.
If you buy a little house and have twins in a year, you'll manage.
I'm not saying it'll be peaches & cream. I can pretty much guarantee that it won't be, but I have faith that you'll persevere no matter what.

Tracy said...

I was wondering if you were ready for another foster dog!

I hope you make the best decision regarding your house. If the financials work out, a new place free of memories might just be a good idea.

I have a problem with my bathroom as well. This is embarassing to admit but there's still a small spot of blood on my shower curtain. It didn't come out in the washing machine and I just haven't forced myself to actually scrub it .

Crazy stuff that goes on in our minds. You aren't alone, sweetie.

tryingin2007 said...

oh, I hope you decide to foster another dog! what an amazing and incredibly generous thing to do. ever since we lost our little pug I have been wanting to help out another homeless puppy. unfortunately we can no longer have 2 dogs where we live.

hang in there. whatever you decide to do with your home it will be the right decision. I also felt our new apartment was full of nothing but sadness and pain. I hated it.