Thursday, January 10, 2008

I'm blaming the hormones

So I figure that my hormone levels are dropping drastically since my D&C and I'm guessing that is why I'm such a mess today. I just can't hold myself together. First off, I didn't even get showered and dressed until noon. Then I forced myself to leave the house and run errands but my eyes were welling up walking around the mall and seeing all the mommies with their kids and babies. It was like a jab to my heart every time.

I'm feeling so sorry for myself today. I'm getting to the point of "what if we never have a baby". I can't get my focus off of that. I imagine us selling our big house since we don't need it anymore. I picture myself selling my SUV and buying something smaller. I just can't stop thinking that we have worked so hard saving and planning for a family and now it may be for naught. Everything I have done in my adult life has been in preparation for having a family. We always wanted three children. Now I think about having three dogs. My dog (aside from my DH) has been the only one to make me smile. It's like he knows when I'm upset and comes over to me and nudges me to make room for him to sit with me. He even started licking the tears off my face the other day. Gross, I know but what a great little guy.

I remember going through this depressive stage with my other two losses but I always thought there was still a chance for us. Now after three I just don't know any more. The only saving grace is that I can now have my RPL panel done. But what if they don't find anything? What if there is nothing that will explain my three losses? Then I'm up shit's creek without a paddle. Then I guess we start planning a different future. That is just too painful to think about. I need some serious healing to happen in me.


Trish said...

I'm so sorry, babe.
I wish I had the answer to your questions. If only there were really an oracle we could go and ask "should I go on trying."

I think if I *KNEW*, if God came down and told himself that we would never be parents, I could grieve it.. deal with it. Move on.. but that "well, maybe if we try one more time, that'll be our turn" is always lingering there..

I'm a control freak.. and this is so much out of all of our hands. It goes against everything we learn. If you try hard enough, do the right things, don't do the wrong thing.. then you will succeed. Only infertility and miscarriage doesn't work that way. You can literally do everything perfectly and still.... it fails.

I think your tears are warranted & understandable. Grief doesn't stop because we want it to or think it should. You have much to grieve. Take the time you need.

I'm so sorry.. and think of you often.


Malloryn said...

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. I've never experienced a miscarriage myself (let alone three!) so I can't imagine how hard it must be. It's like just when you give yourself permission to feel excited and start planning ahead, the rug is pulled out from under you. Take all the time you need to deal with your sadness and grief. I'll be thinking about you.

Just a girl in the south said...

I'm so sorry Maria. You have every right to cry and feel depressed and not get showered until noon. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

I hate that you're going through this, a third time too. It's terrible and devastating, and it's hard not to start thinking about whether you can't have any kids. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Take care.

JGirl2005 said...

I'm so sorry. Take time to grieve the loss of your child. Take the time for yourself and to heal.
Trying to have another child and losing a child are two separate things.
I think I may never have children all the time.Hugs