Miscarriage #2 - I'm not PG anymore :-(

I went in on Monday (8w 4d) for my weekly check-up and there was no heartbeat. The fetus measured right on track so we are guessing the heart stopped shortly before my u/s. Based on my bloodwork, which was perfect, and my u/s we think it was a chromosomal issue so there was nothing anyone could have done. Apparently the “blood clot” they thought they saw last week was actually part of my fetus’ DNA that had broken off and tried to start growing a “twin”, leaving the original fetus with less sufficient chromosomes to continue growth. My RE gave me some pills to take vaginally and I passed everything that was in my uterus in the past two days. I’m still having some light flow but at least my cramping has subsided. Hopefully it cleans itself out so I won’t need a D&E like my first m/c. As soon as my hCG goes back to zero he will do a hysteroscopy and then start me on my FET protocol after AF arrives (BCP’s, Lupron, etc.), with a transfer hopefully during the first couple of weeks of December -- oh that's so far away :-( At that point, we’ll "defrost" four Snowbabies and transfer them all on day 3, at least that is the plan for now. All of my 8 that are frozen are of Z1 quality (excellent) so my RE is confident we will have enough for two successful transfers shall I need them. Since this isn’t my first m/c, if I have another one then we will move on to further testing. BUT since my first one was so early and there wasn’t a recorded heartbeat yet they don’t consider that as serious as this one that lasted over 8 weeks.

DH was able to be home with me Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning, and then my Mom stayed with me Tuesday afternoon and all day Wednesday. She even took me out to lunch after my follow-up appt on Wed. and then we went for manis/pedis.

I’m heartbroken. I’m not quite sure how this is working out but I’m not as devastated as I was with my first m/c. Don’t get me wrong, I have just cried for three days straight and can’t even think about anything else right now, but I think I actually have some perspective on it all. I think it’s b/c I was so apprehensive this time and I never really let myself get too excited or attached to this pregnancy. I tried but I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to fall – which it did on Monday. I guess that was my way of trying to protect myself. I’m not quite sure if there is anything we can do differently but you can certainly bet I’ll do everything in my power to make it work next time. I’m hoping my hCG levels drop quickly so that we can get started soon. I’m the type that the best way for me to recover from something is to start planning how to fix it or what to do next. Not sure how much longer I can do this, but I’m thinking at least through the 2 FET’s that my little Snowbabies will get me through. DH and I will cross that path when we get to it and just pray that we are lucky enough to have success from our FET. Keep me in your thoughts and send us the best Baby Dust vibes you can spare.