I am Hopeful. There, I said it.

I can't believe I'm actually saying, but I honestly have hope again.

My RE called a little while ago to discuss my next step. We have 3 totsicles left and we'll do an FET cycle as soon as AF arrives. I think I O'd this weekend, so I hope to see that lovley lady (that I normally curse!) in about 10-12 days. We're doing a natural/unmedicated cycle which is much easier on my mind and body. We will track my b/w and u/s to see when I O and then three days later we'll transfer all (praying all 3) surviving thawed embryos.

And if my body goes along with that plan, the transfer may be around the end of April, and my 30th birthday on April 27th. I know what I'll be wishing for when I blow out those birthday candles. Even though this is my third birthday in a row I will make that same wish, I know this is the closest we'll be able to come to getting it right. I've been tested for everything at this point so it's all up to the snowbabies now. They have to make it to transfer and then hang on tight once back inside me.

It's also our last chance with treatments, so I am going to hope and pray like I've never hoped and prayed before.

For Good (Reprise)

So I posted back in January after loss #3 about a song I heard on my way home from my RE's office when I found out about my blighted ovum. It was a song called "For Good" from the Wicked soundtrack. I'm sure some of you can relate to the song in the same way. I started BAWLING when I heard it on the radio and I hear it replay in my mind all of the time. And I have it on repeat as I'm typing this. It makes me think that I have forever been changed by "knowing" my four embabies (I've had three losses, with the last one being twins). Only now I'm not crying. I'm hopeful once again (my next post will talk about my new-found hope).

The words "Who can say if I've been changed for the better because I knew you? But I have been changed for good"are so true. I may never know the reason why I've experienced all of this pain, but it has changed the person that I am. I have never been a "mean girl" but this has all made me that much more compassionate. I appreciate things so much more. Things that make me happy, make me that much happier. I don't trivialize anything. I don't take anything for granted. I make sure I give Ed a kiss every chance I get, and tell him I love him whenever I can. I know I am truly lucky to have such a wonderful husband by my side after the past two years. I go that extra-mile to make my family happy or do things for them, especially those that came to my side when I needed them the most. I give Jimmy as many belly rubs as he can stand. He always came running to me when I started to cry and his cute face always made me smile.

I'm very grateful for the little bugger. He's my "furbaby" and he makes me as happy as any other family member can. He was there on the couch with me for a month when everyone else went back to work and back to their own lives. He was my daily reminder that I had to get up every day and go on with my life. I was forced to get up to walk him or else I'd have stayed in bed for hours on end. He was a huge part of my healing process. Where would I be without him? Probably still a crumbled mess in the same stinky PJ's from January. LOL.

We're ready.

We're ready to start with our next FET.

Ed and I had a few heart-felt discussions this weekend on when we think we'd like to do our next (and probably last) FET. We talked about waiting a few cycles; but with me looking for a new job then we might not have insurance coverage for the RE's office visits, b/w and u/s. We talked about doing now; but are we emotionally ready to deal with it if it doesn't work? I said I don't think waiting would allow me to deal with it not working any better than if we do it now.

So we're doing it now. I think I have two more weeks of this cycle so we still have that time to adjust to the idea of what's coming. And I don't know if my FET cycle will start then or if I'll be on BCP for three weeks, followed by Lupron, etc. so we may even have more time to prepare ourselves.

We also decided to use the money we're getting from the gov't to put towards this cycle so the financial burden is gone and we're very thankful for that. Way to go President Bush...the best thing you've done for us while in office. LOL.

So please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers to give me the strength to gear myself up for this -- again. I'm not even thinking about results yet. I just need to concentrate on praying that my snowbabies survive the defrosting and are healthy enough to transfer to me, whenever that happens to be.

I called.

I thought about it before lunch, and grabbed the phone before I could decide against it. And I’m glad I called. I feel better knowing exactly how much it will cost.

After 2 fresh and one frozen IVF cycles, we reached our maximum limit with insurance of $10K so the rest is on us. My RE is only going to charge me what my insurance would have paid for the transfer (after deducting his donated fees). It will be $1800. That is a lot considering we still owe them some money b/c our insurance didn’t cover the Big Freeze and storage of my totsicles. But in the grand scheme of IF treatments, I know it’s not much at all. My dog walking business is doing well so we should be able to pay for more than half of my FET with that money, and more if business picks up. And the rest we’ll just have to pay off a bit every month until it’s all paid off.

I’m starting to get excited to try again. It’s taken me almost three months to get to this point, but I’m finally here. And I’m glad to be here. I feel better, lighter. I’m sure some of you know what I mean. I also have a call into my RE to find out what our next step will be when we’re ready to start my FET cycle. Will it be natural, medicated, will I be on BCP for a month before, etc. He’s off this afternoon so I’ll have to wait until next week to hear from him, and that’s ok with me. I’m mid-cycle right now so I still have two weeks to decide if we want to move ahead when AF comes or not.

The only thing is that I’m turning 30 on April 27th and my second EDD was May 1st. So in all honesty I would really like to be in the midst of a treatment cycle during those days. If I can’t actually be PG well then I’d like to be in the middle of trying to get there. That may be silly but it makes perfect sense in my head. LOL.

So in the end this was a very good day. I feel very positive and hopeful.

What's wrong with me?

I can't bring myself to call my RE. I have to call to find out how much our next FET will cost. My RE said he will donate all of his services, but I will probably still have to pay the lab and assisted hatching fees. I'm thinking about it constantly but I always think, "I'll call in a bit". It used to be that I would be on the phone with them as soon as their office opened and now I'm just pushing it off. Why is that? Am I just not ready? I know I'm terrified to be PG again but I want it so desperately. How can I just skip over from getting a BFP to popping the little one out? I am sure I'm not alone in feeling that way, so how do you ladies deal with it?

And I know a lot of you ladies think/pray for me, but I would like to loan out my prayers for a bit. Someone needs them more than I do...Busted.

Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor-1

That’s what is wrong with me.

My RE called me at 9 pm last night with my RPL blood panel results. He went down the list of all the tests they did (all 17 of them) and he kept saying Test A – negative, Test B – negative, Test C – negative, etc. Until he got to the last one…Text PAI-1, positive. Only positive is a bad thing. BUT it’s a good thing because we now have something to try to fix! (Did you follow all of that? LOL). It’s a blood clotting disorder and there is something like I should have 4G-5G, but my gene repeats as 4G-4G (or whatever he said). I was trying so hard to follow him but my mind just kept going “YEAH!! THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WE CAN FIX!!!”

I felt a huge wave of warm relief flow over my body. Should I be lucky to have another BFP, we will start immediately with Lovenox injections…piece o’cake!!

And then it sets in…dear lord I have to go through this again. I’m praying that all three of our totsicles thaw and we have a successful FET, but what if they don’t? What if I have to do another fresh IVF cycle? That will take some time to prepare mentally and physically for yet another assault on my body. I have rather enjoyed the past two months were we didn’t have to make the trek to the RE’s office a few times a week and I didn’t have to keep a schedule of my injections/medications. It’s been somewhat peaceful. I’ve been sleeping better and feeling happy (for the most part). Ed was kind of upset to find out the waiting is over and we have to make a decision on whether or not to move forward, and if we do, when? Should we take more time off? Should we jump right back on the horse?

I started out wanting a 2006 baby and now we’re on to wishing for a 2009 blessing. The time has flown so what’s another few months to make this decision? But I don’t know how I will handle seeing AF the next few months. I know I say it all the time but IF has made me totally bipolar! One second I feel one thing, but them I like heck no, and decide something else. LOL.

The bottom line is that we now have an answer to what has caused my three miscarriages and I couldn’t be happier that it appears to be an easy fix. But the prayers continue.

Out of the blue.

My SIL offered to be a surrogate.

I don’t know how I feel about that so this post is going to sound like I’m nuts. LOL. Ed’s first reaction to his sister was to get angry. Mine was to cry. We haven’t gotten along with her in our entire 4.5 years of being married and yet she’s the only one to offer this to us. Part of me feels that I will resent her forever if she carries my baby. She’s always been very smug with us and this would be one HUGE issue where she could say “I could do something you couldn’t do”. Petty, I know. But still. Part of me isn’t ready to give up on my own body yet. I (still!) haven’t received my RPL results and I’m sure that would influence my decision. If my RE says there is nothing wrong with me, so no medical reason that would have caused my 3 losses, well I will be devastated that there is nothing to “fix” and maybe I’ll be ok with the surrogate thing then. But if there is something wrong that we can fix, then I’m almost positive that I’d want to give my body another shot at it with some additional assistance from my RE.

I know this isn’t a decision we need to make right away but it’s still all I can think about. I never had this enter my mind so I didn’t even have an answer or reaction prepared. I think that is what got Ed so angry. Nobody asked her for that. We never even said that was an option for us to pursue. We said that I’m still waiting for results and she just offered it up. Ed thinks she was out of line. Granted it was a very nice gesture but we all know how well-meaning people can come off totally insensitive when they say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Does that even make sense?? It caught me totally off guard.

I don’t know if I could let someone carry my child. Plus, she is of AMA and overweight so it’s not even an ideal situation. Would I hold her responsible if she had a miscarriage of MY babies? I know I blame myself for my 3 losses so there is nothing stopping me from blaming someone else. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn so obviously I’m in no position to think about it with an open mind and clear head. Maybe I should just shelf the idea at least until I get my RPL results back. SIL did say that she’s only offering that once and she’ll never bring it up again. Which is good that she won’t hound us asking if we made our decision about it. Maybe Ed will change his mind once we get our results and he’s not so angry as his sister. Maybe I’ll change my mind. But maybe we won’t. I think it would be easier if it was my family member or even if it was a stranger.

I know I'm just rambling but I had to get those thoughts out of my head.

How did I get here?