Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I can't cope today

I don't know what it was about today that I woke up and new it was going to be a bad day. I just had that feeling in my gut and I had no reason for that thought at 6:30 this morning. Most of my day was uneventful. Then at lunch time I saw our office bulletin board with a birth announcement on it. It was for a friend of mine who had a baby last week. Well, she used to be my "friend". We worked together for the past two years and had lunch together almost every day for the first year. She knew all about my TTTC and was very supportive. Then she told me last spring she and her DH were having problems (which I knew) but she finally decided to leave him. I was very supportive and offered her advice when she asked for it. Then, not much longer she told me she was PG. She knew that I had already had one loss at that point and yet she told me in the middle of the crowded cafeteria. I was at a loss for words. I just ate my lunch with everyone around me and pretended like everything was fine. But I was broken inside. Here is this woman about to leave her husband and then suddenly she's PG. It didn't make sense to me. Still doesn't.

Well, she pretty much avoided me after that. She didn't ask how things were going with me and didn't give me so much as an "I'm sorry" with my two subsequent losses. She didn't ask any more about my treatments and no longer ate lunch with me. And today I see her birth announcement with a happy, adorable little boy. His name? Dallas Mack B. And I can't help but think what a terribly silly that name is. Poor kid is going to have to go through life with that name. Now I hate myself for how bitter IF has made me. I never used to care what people named their kids. It's none of my business. But this name BOTHERS me.

Then, I go to the photocopier and there is a picture of Dallas hanging on the wall above it with a caption "Soooo cute!". My friends in my office know all about my history so I can't believe one of them would hang that picture knowing that I have to look at it 20 times a day. Maybe I'm being unrealistic in my expectations of how sensitive others should be. But it just put me into such a funk this afternoon. And I had four more hours of work left.

I couldn't wait to come home to see my husband and have him hug me. However, we're having an ice storm and he's stuck at work 50 miles away. The bridges from NJ to PA are closed so now he has to stay at his friend's house tonight. So I'll be here alone. Luckily I have Jimmy (my dog) with me. He runs over to me whenever he hears me cry and snuggles up to me. What a good boy.

I'm cyring hysterically and I just can't stop. I need Ed here with me. I need my babies. All three of them. And I'm alone. I've been through so much (TOO much) and I have nothing to show for it.

I thought I would watch "Gilmore Girls" to get my mind off things. Mindless silly TV would at least stop me from sobbing, right? Wrong. It was Rory's HS graduation and she was giving her speech. It was all about her Mom and how she wanted to grow up to be like her.

I'm never going to go to my child's graduation. I'm never going to have someone want to grow up to be like me. I'm never going to get to do all the wonderful things I just assumed I would do...dance classes, football games, tea parties, hide n'seek. None of it.

My heart is broken and I'm alone. And I got AF today as a nasty reminder that for yet another month I am not PG. And I probably never will be.

And now I'm crying so hard I think I'm scaring Jimmy.

I would go to the ends of the earth for a baby and yet there is nothing more I can do to make it happen. It's out of my hands and I go crazy at the thought of not being able to control all of it.


JGirl2005 said...

I'm so sorry you are alone and sad. I feel the same way today for some reason. I think AF is coming too.
I know when I lost my son that people were quick to say they were sorry, but some of those people never congratulated me on being pg. Some people. They just don't knwo what to say.

Trish said...

Oh honey... I'm so, so sorry.
Not exactly a banner day in the IF world.
Fuck February 12th. There. I said it.

Diana said...

I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you. I am so sorry.

Tracy said...

Oh, Maria.

That name BOTHERS me too.

And all the pain and heartache you've been through bothers me too, to say the least.
I hate it. I HATE IT.
You've got sympathy tears here. And as always, a ton of love, hugs, and prayers.

Ariella said...

I am so sorry you had a rough day. I hope your week has gotten better and that the picture above the copier has been removed.

PS My mom's name is Dallas but don't worry about what you said we are all intitled to our opinion.

Busted said...

I'm a bit late but I just wanted to say how horrible it is that you have to go through this. You are completely entitled to all these feelings considering what you've been through. Please hang in there.