I think my body works now.

TMI ahead…

In my entire life, ever since I went through puberty, I have NEVER felt my body O. I never had cramps or anything. I never knew for sure where I was in my cycle, and AF would just come and go once a month and I never gave much thought to it. I was on BCP and I was never late so I never paid attention to my cycles. I was on BCP from the time I was 16 (oh please don’t judge LOL) until Ed and I started to TTC when I was 28. So that is 12 years of never really thinking about my cycles, as long as AF came once a month, which she always did.

At this point in my life I have gone through 3 m/c’s, which obviously means I’ve been PG three times. And I think my body finally “gets” it. I can now feel when I O!! I only know that it is O that I’m feeling b/c I’ve been through enough assisted cycle where I know exactly when I O (thanks to a trigger shot). I have never felt this stuff before…I have two days in my cycle where I have EWCM and then wham! The cramping and bloated feelings begin for two days. The only other times I felt this was during my two fresh IVF cycles, and the one normal cycle I had after my last m/c before we started my frozen FET.

I wish I could translate this realization into some fabulous procreation but for now I will settle for the fact that I have a bit of a precursor for when I will O. I can stop the game of BD’ing every other night…or every single night…from CD 12 to CD 22 to “cover our bases”. Phew. This feels like a huge load has been lifted in regards to wondering if my body is in fact working properly concerning my O.

Now I still have to remember that we have a VERY low sperm count and my P4 seems to be low. But other than that we have no reason for us to still be childless. I have another 2 weeks or so to get my RPL blood panel back and I’m desperately praying we find something wrong there. If that comes back normal, well then I just feel S-O-O-L (shit out of luck) in the baby department. My only hope then would be that I turn into one of those amazingly lucky people who conceived after many rounds of IVF and m/c’s on a break”.

But for now, there is still hope…

Reiki...I highly recommend it.

Ed's aunt M. is very good friends with a woman S. who is licensed in practicing Reiki. Aunt M. and S. were talking one day a few weeks ago and my "situation" came up. S. told Aunt M. that Reiki might be able to help me and she encouraged me to go. It's all about spiritual healing that is supposed to help the body heal too.

And I went on Saturday.

And I loved it.

First off, to even give it a thought you have to believe in the whole Holistic medicine kind of thing. With modern medicine failing me at this point, I thought I'd could give Holistic medicine a fair shake.

I went in and the room was set up like a typcial spa room...candles, insense, soft music...very relaxing. S. did a "reading" of my body and got in-tune with me. She said she felt the presence of the Hindu Goddess that is the Mother of all Oceans (the mother-figure in that religion). Kind of fitting, huh? She then had me lay down on her massage table and she put her hands on my forehead. She got in touch with all of my Shakras and got them aligned (or whatever it was she did). She said the one is my gut was all jumbled. It was so relaxing and wonderful. I'm big into the healing power of touch and I swear I could feel the warmth from her hands radiate through my body. I really loved it.

Then when that part was done she "asked" my body questions. She had a full book shelf and wanted to know from my body what book she should read. When she got the right book, she asked my body what chapter, then what page. Then she handed me the verse to read and I just stared at it. I couldn't believe it. April 19 - The Spring Cleaning Ritual.

It was all about being calm. Control is gained through being calm, and you cannot be in control if you are not calm. I need to stop crying as that will not help.

YES!

Of course, I lost it at that point. The tears just flowed without any warning. It was telling me that I have wasted so many tears and they will not help me "win" my situation. It was like the passage was written specifically for me. It was so moving. She had me read a few more things and then put oil on my wrists that smelled lovely. It was just like my Mom's perfume when I was a child. It made me feel so comfortable. And calm.

RPL blood panel...check

I went on Tuesday for my RPL blood panel. SEVENTEEN vials of blood. Geesh! After 10 vials in my left arm, the blood in the tube clotted so she had to stick my right arm too. It wasn't all that bad, and I had a huge glass of chocolate milk on my way there so I didn't get lightheaded or anything. So now we wait. It will be 3-4 weeks before we get the results. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I loathe waiting. I'm an instant gratification kind of girl and it drives me nuts that in this world of modern science we have to do so much waiting in the IF world.

But there is nothing I can do about it so I'm trying not to dwell on it.

I got my first client for The Lucky Puppy, so I'm thrilled about that. I haven't even started advertising, which I plan to do this weekend. I made a few hundred fliers and I'm going to mail out postcards too. It's so exciting to have something I want that I can actually control (unlike IF).

And I have a snow day today. It's beautiful outside, but the roads are trecherous so I decided to stay in my sweats and chill out all day with Jimmy. It took Ed over 2 hours to get to work and he almost a dozen accidents. It's not worth it to me, I'm much happier/safer here on my couch looking out the window and my gorgeous snow-covered backyard :D

Looks like a happy day ahead of me...I really need one!

My world in pictures...

Once again, I'm copying Katie :D

1.Go to photobucket.com
2.Type in your answer for each question into the PhotoBucket search bar.
3.Only use the first two pages.
Choose your favorite photo to represent your answer.
4.Copy the html and paste it here.
5.You can only answer in picture form

1. What is your first name?


2. When is your birthday?


3. What kind of car do you want?


4. Where did/do you go to school?

5. What is your favorite season?

6. What is your favorite type of shoe?

7. What is your status?

8. What is your favorite movie?

9. What is your favorite song?

10. Who is your favorite Disney character?

11. What is your favorite clothing line?

12. What is your favorite vacation destination?

13. What is your favorite dessert?


14. What is your favorite letter?


15. What are you most afraid of?

16. What is your favorite TV show?

17. What annoys you the most?

18. What is your job?

and

19. What's your favorite animal?


20. How old are you?

Mother's Love

I stole this from Katie, I hope she doesn't mind :)

Oh, and this is a real tear-jerker.

"A Mother’s Love cannot be measured by increments of time …an entire lifetime of love can be squeezed into a few brief miraculous moments when necessary…."

"Sometimes miracles arrive so tiny that we cannot feel the weight of them –and yet we are still changed, and we are blessed none the less…"

A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime;
and others for a day
and some I send to feel your womb;
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat;
and then, I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say.
We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
my mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here...
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly,
and my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much;
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
and whisper in her ear.
Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
so, you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay
your babies are here in my home;
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me,
until your lesson is through
and on the day that you come home;
they'll be at the gates for you.
So, now you see what makes a mother,
it's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of;
right from the very start.

I can't cope today

I don't know what it was about today that I woke up and new it was going to be a bad day. I just had that feeling in my gut and I had no reason for that thought at 6:30 this morning. Most of my day was uneventful. Then at lunch time I saw our office bulletin board with a birth announcement on it. It was for a friend of mine who had a baby last week. Well, she used to be my "friend". We worked together for the past two years and had lunch together almost every day for the first year. She knew all about my TTTC and was very supportive. Then she told me last spring she and her DH were having problems (which I knew) but she finally decided to leave him. I was very supportive and offered her advice when she asked for it. Then, not much longer she told me she was PG. She knew that I had already had one loss at that point and yet she told me in the middle of the crowded cafeteria. I was at a loss for words. I just ate my lunch with everyone around me and pretended like everything was fine. But I was broken inside. Here is this woman about to leave her husband and then suddenly she's PG. It didn't make sense to me. Still doesn't.

Well, she pretty much avoided me after that. She didn't ask how things were going with me and didn't give me so much as an "I'm sorry" with my two subsequent losses. She didn't ask any more about my treatments and no longer ate lunch with me. And today I see her birth announcement with a happy, adorable little boy. His name? Dallas Mack B. And I can't help but think what a terribly silly that name is. Poor kid is going to have to go through life with that name. Now I hate myself for how bitter IF has made me. I never used to care what people named their kids. It's none of my business. But this name BOTHERS me.

Then, I go to the photocopier and there is a picture of Dallas hanging on the wall above it with a caption "Soooo cute!". My friends in my office know all about my history so I can't believe one of them would hang that picture knowing that I have to look at it 20 times a day. Maybe I'm being unrealistic in my expectations of how sensitive others should be. But it just put me into such a funk this afternoon. And I had four more hours of work left.

I couldn't wait to come home to see my husband and have him hug me. However, we're having an ice storm and he's stuck at work 50 miles away. The bridges from NJ to PA are closed so now he has to stay at his friend's house tonight. So I'll be here alone. Luckily I have Jimmy (my dog) with me. He runs over to me whenever he hears me cry and snuggles up to me. What a good boy.

I'm cyring hysterically and I just can't stop. I need Ed here with me. I need my babies. All three of them. And I'm alone. I've been through so much (TOO much) and I have nothing to show for it.

I thought I would watch "Gilmore Girls" to get my mind off things. Mindless silly TV would at least stop me from sobbing, right? Wrong. It was Rory's HS graduation and she was giving her speech. It was all about her Mom and how she wanted to grow up to be like her.

I'm never going to go to my child's graduation. I'm never going to have someone want to grow up to be like me. I'm never going to get to do all the wonderful things I just assumed I would do...dance classes, football games, tea parties, hide n'seek. None of it.

My heart is broken and I'm alone. And I got AF today as a nasty reminder that for yet another month I am not PG. And I probably never will be.

And now I'm crying so hard I think I'm scaring Jimmy.

I would go to the ends of the earth for a baby and yet there is nothing more I can do to make it happen. It's out of my hands and I go crazy at the thought of not being able to control all of it.

Once again, I'm at ZERO.

Zip.
Zilch.
Nada.
Niente.

Zero.

My beta, that is.

Even though I know it should be zero since that means the D&C cleared everything out and my body is getting back to normal, I still hate to hear my nurse say "hCG...zero". And my P4 is only 2 so that means I haven't O'd yet this cycle which mean my first post-m/c AF is still weeks away. Sigh. And the waiting continues.

At least this zero means I can get going with my RPL blood panel. I'll schedule it one day this week but I'll have to wait about 3-4 weeks for my results to come in. Ed is also going to have his karotyping (sp?) done. Hopefully we'll rule out any kind of issue with him. And if the issue is with me, I hope it's something simple that can be easily fixed. I don't know what I'll do if Ed and I both come back as normal. That would mean that we don't have any explanation for our three losses this year. I need a reason. If there is no reason, I don't know that I could continue TTC b/c I don't think I could handle another loss. But, I also didn't think I could handle IVF, or IVF #2, or m/c #2, or m/c #3. We'll see. There is nothing I can do for the next month except wait for my results. I'll have to find something to occupy my time.

Hopefully that "something" will be house hunting. We don't want to serisouly look for anything until we get an offer on our house, which could be months. But I still love looking. I love looking at new models and I love the character in older homes. I don't know what I like better, there are pros and cons to each. We were in an old house yesterday and Ed and I both swore it was haunted. There were steps in the bedroom that went to nowhere. Seriously. Steps that went right into the wall. That would creep me out something fierce if I lived there. LOL. Obviously the prior owners did some renovating and closed off whatever attic was up there, but come on, don't you think they would have removed those steps?? It was odd. But at the same time, it was pretty neat to see.

I got asked to foster another dog and I just don't think I can do it right now. I need to keep as stress-free as possible. I'll do it if it's in dire need, but I really hope we can find someone else.

Ed's aunt also told me about her friend who does Reiki. She was talking to this woman about my "situation" and the friend said she thinks Reiki would do me some good. So I'm going to give her a call and set up an appt. It couldn't hurt to try at least. It's supposed to help heal the mind which in turn heals the body. It eliminates stress, which I seriously need help managing. I'm going to Google it to learn a little more before I go, but from what I know so far it sounds very interesting to me.

Reminders are EVERYWHERE

I took my niece and nephew to see the Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana movie Saturday night. It was pretty cute. All of the kids in the audience where singing along and I could see my niece's eys sparkle when her favorite song came on. And them my nephew blused when I asked him if he liked Miley. It was just so sticking adorable. Then I felt like I was smacked in the face. All of a sudden I was thinking that I may never be able to enjoy these kinds of things with my own kids. All of the parents were doing all they could to make their children happy and enjoy this special occassion, and there I was with a lump in my throat. Then it got worse. She sings this song about her Grandfather that passed away and how much she misses him. It's funny how loss is the same whether it's a grandfather or an unborn child. There is still hurt. There is still lost hopes and dreams. There is still the wanting more time with that person. I can only say thank goodness we were wearing our 3-D glasses so nobody had to see me crying at such a silly movie.

We also found an adoptive home for our two fosters, Toby and Chloe. I got an email this morning and they are doing well and playing with the family's other dogs. I'm so happy that those two had such a happy ending. I'll miss T & C but this is the best circumstances I could have hoped for. That gives me the warm and fuzzy feeling I've been needing lately.

I go this Friday for bloodwork to see if my beta is down to zero yet. Considering I think I O'd six days ago I will be very shocked if it's not at zero yet...unless that means we got PG on our break cycle...wouldn't that just be beyond wonderful? I can't even bear to get excited and hopeful about that. So for now I'll put my blinders on and not think about it until my appt this Friday. Oh my, I can tell this is going to be a long week. LOL.