Miscarriage #2 - I'm not PG anymore :-(

I went in on Monday (8w 4d) for my weekly check-up and there was no heartbeat. The fetus measured right on track so we are guessing the heart stopped shortly before my u/s. Based on my bloodwork, which was perfect, and my u/s we think it was a chromosomal issue so there was nothing anyone could have done. Apparently the “blood clot” they thought they saw last week was actually part of my fetus’ DNA that had broken off and tried to start growing a “twin”, leaving the original fetus with less sufficient chromosomes to continue growth. My RE gave me some pills to take vaginally and I passed everything that was in my uterus in the past two days. I’m still having some light flow but at least my cramping has subsided. Hopefully it cleans itself out so I won’t need a D&E like my first m/c. As soon as my hCG goes back to zero he will do a hysteroscopy and then start me on my FET protocol after AF arrives (BCP’s, Lupron, etc.), with a transfer hopefully during the first couple of weeks of December -- oh that's so far away :-( At that point, we’ll "defrost" four Snowbabies and transfer them all on day 3, at least that is the plan for now. All of my 8 that are frozen are of Z1 quality (excellent) so my RE is confident we will have enough for two successful transfers shall I need them. Since this isn’t my first m/c, if I have another one then we will move on to further testing. BUT since my first one was so early and there wasn’t a recorded heartbeat yet they don’t consider that as serious as this one that lasted over 8 weeks.

DH was able to be home with me Monday afternoon and Tuesday morning, and then my Mom stayed with me Tuesday afternoon and all day Wednesday. She even took me out to lunch after my follow-up appt on Wed. and then we went for manis/pedis.

I’m heartbroken. I’m not quite sure how this is working out but I’m not as devastated as I was with my first m/c. Don’t get me wrong, I have just cried for three days straight and can’t even think about anything else right now, but I think I actually have some perspective on it all. I think it’s b/c I was so apprehensive this time and I never really let myself get too excited or attached to this pregnancy. I tried but I always felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to fall – which it did on Monday. I guess that was my way of trying to protect myself. I’m not quite sure if there is anything we can do differently but you can certainly bet I’ll do everything in my power to make it work next time. I’m hoping my hCG levels drop quickly so that we can get started soon. I’m the type that the best way for me to recover from something is to start planning how to fix it or what to do next. Not sure how much longer I can do this, but I’m thinking at least through the 2 FET’s that my little Snowbabies will get me through. DH and I will cross that path when we get to it and just pray that we are lucky enough to have success from our FET. Keep me in your thoughts and send us the best Baby Dust vibes you can spare.

8 weeks today

It's amazing how hard it is to be on "pelvic rest". You don't realize how much you use your abdomen until you're not allowed to use it! I've tried to take it easy but I catch myself lifting things or moving around and I have to tell myself "sit down and relax!!" DH almost had a heart attack last night when I picked the dinner dishes in a big pile. Now, he was right, but he started to lecture me like he was my father, LOL. Oh well, a little couch-time with ice cream never hurt anyone!! Bring it on :-)

I've been put on "pelvic rest"

I went for my 8 week ultrasound today and the baby looks great! The little squirt is measuring right on track and has a heartbeat of 136 bpm. WONDERFUL! The only concern was that I had a blood clot in my uterus. My nurse and RE both said it wasn't alarming, but that I was being put on "pelvic rest"...no exercising, no lifting, no sex, no orgasms. It's been six weeks (since a few days before my ER) since DH and I have been allowed to and I really miss him!!!! Oh well, it's all for the good of our baby :-)

I go back on Monday for a follow up u/s so hopefully the clot is starting to dissipate by then. Other than that, I feel great. My nausea is very minimal today. But it's still almost impossible to brush my teeth. My gag reflex is super sensitive.

My SIL got her BFP a few days ago so she'll be due just a few weeks after me. My Mom will be in heaven with all this baby stuff. I did however tell her I wanted my own baby shower :-)

Shhh….don’t wake the monster.

I haven’t had much nausea all weekend. I spent a lot of time in the fresh air so maybe that had something to do with it. I’m back in my office today and feeling a bit “off”…one more reason to hate my office. LOL. I was getting a bit worried about my symptoms going away. I know I’ve said it to others…it happens, that doesn’t mean anything is wrong – my body is just getting used to the baby, blah blah blah. But I can’t help but stress about it. I have an appt with my RE on Wednesday and I’m hoping it’s my last and I’ll graduate to my regular OB. I’m really going to miss my weekly checkups. It’s so comforting to keep an eye on things. I’m still so scared I’m going to m/c again.

At what point will I be able to just enjoy this pregnancy? I’m hoping it is soon.

I'm having a bad day.

Not a bad day as far as my PG goes (all is fine there), just a bad day with my mood. I’m super depressed. I barely slept at all last night so I'm sure that is just compounding how terrible I feel. DH went out with his office for a fabulous dinner in Center City and I’m totally jealous. He was out having a great steak dinner (my favorite) while I was home on the couch very nauseous and trying not to puke my guts out. He called me halfway through and I heard everyone having a great time and it was all I could do to keep from hanging up on him. We are saving every penny we can so we’re not going out to dinner unless it’s cheap (a la pizza or Chinese), and he’s eating $50-a-plate meals and drinking $50 bottles of wine. I know he really deserves it for working so hard, but don’t I deserve it too? I’ve been through a f*uckload of stuff over the past 2 years of TTC and nobody has once offered to take me to a great dinner downtown. He’s also been to different sporting events, and countless fancy dinners…at least one event a month. I’m lucky if I can convince him to get wings and fries from my favorite bar (and it’s even soggy take out since I can’t eat there with all the smoke).

I know, pity party for one going on here. But I just can’t help myself today. I’ve been crying at my desk (and praying nobody walks over to me) and I just can’t get over myself today. My eyes are red and puffy and my nose is congested. I must be quite the sight! LOL.

Now he’s mad at me for not being so happy for him. He said he just wanted to share his great night with me and I couldn’t care less about hearing about it. I can’t get through to him…it’s not about me not being happy for HIM, I am. But that’s just it. HE is the one getting all the great stuff. But what about me? I deserve it too.

6 weeks 6 days – ultrasound

All looks good! I had another ultrasound this morning and our little squirt looks perfect. The heart beat is 130 – right on track. He/she is measuring 3.7 mm. I just have a huge sigh of relief every time I go in and see that things are progressing just as they should.

I’ll be a nervous wreck when the time comes that I only see my regular OB once a month. Maybe I’ll invest in one of those home Dopplers??? DH will think I’m nuts, but that will give me such peace of mind in between appointments. I go back in another week and my nurse said that will probably be my last visit with them. I cannot wait to “graduate” from my RE to a regular OB. That will be yet another huge milestone for us!

I could do without the sickness.

Seriously. I feel like I could puke at any minute of the day. Brushing my teeth is almost out of the question. Too bad that is such a necessity!!! LOL. DH and I were supposed to have burgers for dinner the other night. I took one look at the ground meat and my head started to swoon. I opted for frozen chicken fingers and fries instead. YUMM-O!! I just can’t seem to get enough salt. I CRAVE IT.

I didn’t sleep well all weekend. I get up in the middle of the night to pee and then I’m up until the sun comes up. Even with all the side effects I’m still keeping my spirits up. I’m just thanking God I am experiencing all of these as they’re a sign of a healthy pregnancy.

I pray every day for the girls on TTTC and that they get their BFP soon. I’ve never been the religious type, but my aunt is and she prays to Padre Pio. Ladies, if you’re looking for some guidance, pray to him. I swear he brought me my BFP this month. At the start of my stims this IVF cycle I started a prayer to him every day and voila! I’m thinking it’s not a coincidence so I’m going to continue to pray to him for you all…it certainly can’t hurt!

I will post again Wednesday after my next u/s. I’m dying to hear the heart beat. I wonder when I will??

We have a heartbeat!!!

I just got back from my RE and at 6w 1d I could see the heartbeat! It was such a tiny little flicker but it was strong and steady. I am still shaking from the shock of it all. This is such a huge milestone for us. I go back in 5 days and my nurse said we should be able to see the baby at that point...he/she will just be about the size of a grain of rice. I'm busting with excitement and think I'll celebrate tonight with a giant waffle cone!!!

With all the excitement I almost forgot about my nausea. Well, almost. I'm trying to keep it under control during the day by eating little snacks, but brushing my teeth is getting to be unbearable. I'm thinking I'll have to do my whole morning routine and then brush before I head out the door; instead of brushing right when I get out of bed. Who knows if that will help but I'm willing to try anything/everything to get through the morning a little easier. Oh, and forget about mouthwash. That was cause for some major dry heaves this morning (sorry if TMI). LOL.

So this excitement will carry me through the weekend! Can't wait to show DH our u/s picture...the little black hole is getting bigger!!!!!

Someone shake some sense into me.

I had an ultrasound this past Friday and everything looks just as it should. I found that we're having a singleton, and that bummed me out a bit. Don't get me wrong...I am THRILLED that we're PG and I couldn't be more excited. However, I was really hoping to have twins or triplets (we transferred 3 blasts) so that we would never have to do this IVF route again. I am already thinking to 2 years down the line that we'll have to go back to my RE and thaw out my snowbabies. I'm such a sorry sack!! Ok, pity party for one over.

But seriously, I was super excited to see that little black hole with the sac inside it. I go back this Friday (6w 1d) for another u/s and I'm praying I can see the little heartbeat!!!

I have twinges of sickness all day long. If I get too hungry I feel like I'll puke so I have to make sure I keep snacks with me all the time...tootsie rolls have been my snack of choice this week. I've also been craving fried chicken just about constantly. I just wish this darn new KFC would open already! It's been under construction for months and now I'm dying for it!!!!

My belly band was the best investment so far. I've been able to wear most of my regular pants thanks to that. Although I did buy two pair of maternity pants and they are the most comfortable pants I have ever owned. I would highly recommend them to everyone!!!!