My fortune cookie:
Your heart's dearest wish will come true.
Y
So of course I laminated it with scotch tape and put it in my wallet to hold on to.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Getting to know you ladies...
What is the title of your blog (if you have one) and what does it mean?
For me, "Will They Have His Eyes?" is about wondering what my children will be like. Will they have crazy curly hair like me? Will they be tall like Ed? Will they have a generosity like my Mom's? Will they have Ed's eyes? I just love Ed's eyes. They are full of expression and I love their shape and color. They're a gorgeous blue, but more than that they shine when they look at me. The biggest wish of my heart is that I will one day have children that will look at me with eyes much like my husband's and I will be able to read their heart, what they're thinking, and feel how much they love me.
For me, "Will They Have His Eyes?" is about wondering what my children will be like. Will they have crazy curly hair like me? Will they be tall like Ed? Will they have a generosity like my Mom's? Will they have Ed's eyes? I just love Ed's eyes. They are full of expression and I love their shape and color. They're a gorgeous blue, but more than that they shine when they look at me. The biggest wish of my heart is that I will one day have children that will look at me with eyes much like my husband's and I will be able to read their heart, what they're thinking, and feel how much they love me.
I am borrowing this from Katie...
Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness...
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people...
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry...
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day...
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone...
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands ; one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.
Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips." It was read at her funeral years later.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness...
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people...
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry...
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day...
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone...
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands ; one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Some thing are just never easy.
Getting AF is one of those things.
In my head I know it's totally absurd to think we could conceive on our own. And yet I held out hope. This was my first cycle after my most recent miscarriage and I know we timed things perfectly. I prayed it would work and that we'd be one of those lucky couples who conceived while "on a break". No such luck. AF showed today. And even though the logical side of me knew there wasn't a change in hell it would work, I was still devastated to see that all-two-familiar pink streak on my toilet paper this morning. My eyes filled with tears and all I could do was sigh and stare at the TP.
I'm having a hard time keeping hope alive. I'm letting myself think that we may be faced with a childless future. I always held out hope but it's fading. We have reached our maximum for IVF coverage so anything more we do will be paid out of pocket. We still have 3 totcicles so we aren't (yet) faced with paying for a full fresh IVF cycle, but an FET is still a few thousand dollars (after the thousands we have already paid in co-pays and stuff). I have taken SO much time off from work that I can't imagine my boss allowing much more. The stress is getting to me. I crumble at the drop of a hat. I cry at everything. And the really sad stuff...well I just turn into a puddle of goo and gasp helplessly while crying the ugly cry (or something similar as Oprah calls it). I can't make decisions any more. I'm doing something I never did...I'm second guessing myself. I change my mind a million times and just don't feel confident. But then, like a light switch, I'm my old self. I think I'm turning bi-polar or something. I'm sure all of my emotions are totally normal for my situation, but I feel like an alien with no home.
EVERYTHING reminds me of babies. Old people remind me that I may be alone when I'm their age without anyone to visit me in the home.
Why do I think/say such depressing things?? I was always the optimist. 26 months ago I would have said that if I couldn't have kids well then that would mean I'd have more time/money to travel, buy the convertible I want, never have to watch Barney, etc etc etc. Now all I think about is that I WANT TO WATCH BARNEY. And then I want to kick myself for wanting to watch Barney...and there in lies my bi-polar disorder. LOL.
And I'm still losing my mind waiting for my RPL blood panel results. I have a week or so to go for mine and 2-3 weeks for Ed's.
You know that song at the beginning of "My Best Friend's Wedding"...here are my words...
Sitting and waiting and hoping and praying
Planning and dreaming that we will conceive...
Ok, that's all I have so far. I'm too busy being grumpy that AF is here to really be clever enough to write song lyrics :D
In my head I know it's totally absurd to think we could conceive on our own. And yet I held out hope. This was my first cycle after my most recent miscarriage and I know we timed things perfectly. I prayed it would work and that we'd be one of those lucky couples who conceived while "on a break". No such luck. AF showed today. And even though the logical side of me knew there wasn't a change in hell it would work, I was still devastated to see that all-two-familiar pink streak on my toilet paper this morning. My eyes filled with tears and all I could do was sigh and stare at the TP.
I'm having a hard time keeping hope alive. I'm letting myself think that we may be faced with a childless future. I always held out hope but it's fading. We have reached our maximum for IVF coverage so anything more we do will be paid out of pocket. We still have 3 totcicles so we aren't (yet) faced with paying for a full fresh IVF cycle, but an FET is still a few thousand dollars (after the thousands we have already paid in co-pays and stuff). I have taken SO much time off from work that I can't imagine my boss allowing much more. The stress is getting to me. I crumble at the drop of a hat. I cry at everything. And the really sad stuff...well I just turn into a puddle of goo and gasp helplessly while crying the ugly cry (or something similar as Oprah calls it). I can't make decisions any more. I'm doing something I never did...I'm second guessing myself. I change my mind a million times and just don't feel confident. But then, like a light switch, I'm my old self. I think I'm turning bi-polar or something. I'm sure all of my emotions are totally normal for my situation, but I feel like an alien with no home.
EVERYTHING reminds me of babies. Old people remind me that I may be alone when I'm their age without anyone to visit me in the home.
Why do I think/say such depressing things?? I was always the optimist. 26 months ago I would have said that if I couldn't have kids well then that would mean I'd have more time/money to travel, buy the convertible I want, never have to watch Barney, etc etc etc. Now all I think about is that I WANT TO WATCH BARNEY. And then I want to kick myself for wanting to watch Barney...and there in lies my bi-polar disorder. LOL.
And I'm still losing my mind waiting for my RPL blood panel results. I have a week or so to go for mine and 2-3 weeks for Ed's.
You know that song at the beginning of "My Best Friend's Wedding"...here are my words...
Sitting and waiting and hoping and praying
Planning and dreaming that we will conceive...
Ok, that's all I have so far. I'm too busy being grumpy that AF is here to really be clever enough to write song lyrics :D
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
I'm one of "those" girls.
I don't want to GO to the dance, but I want to be INVITED.
Know what I mean? Well, I'll explain...
A VERY good friend of mine at work has a daughter who is due next month (two weeks before my 2nd EDD). She is like a "mom" to me and we know everything about each other's lives. We had gone through the first 9 weeks of my pregnancy comparing notes between myself and her daughter. Then disaster struck and I was no longer PG. But I stil asked for updates and tried as best I could to be supportive of my friend, the grandmother-to-be.
I just found out that she's having the baby shower this weekend. And I wasn't invited. Which I could normally understand since I'm a 'work friend', but the other ladies I work with are invited. And my feelings are hurt. Now I can only assume that it's becuase of the losses I had this year and my friend doesn't want to upset me by inviting me. But shouldn't that be my decision on whether or not I can handle going to a baby shower? And like I said, I don't actually want to go (I'd be so upset) but I want to be invited.
Am I totally nuts for thinking this way? I kind of don't think so. She is close enough a friend that she could have talked to me about it and asked how comfortable I would be going. Then I could be totally honest with her and decline, but still send a gift for her daughter. I'm just sad. And I know the other women who are going are all talking about how exciting it will be (their whispers are pretty loud) and then get quiet when I walk over, leading to everyone's discomfort.
I just hate this stuff.
I hate how IF and RPL has affected my life to the point where I can't go about the normal exciting things in my family/friends' lives.
Know what I mean? Well, I'll explain...
A VERY good friend of mine at work has a daughter who is due next month (two weeks before my 2nd EDD). She is like a "mom" to me and we know everything about each other's lives. We had gone through the first 9 weeks of my pregnancy comparing notes between myself and her daughter. Then disaster struck and I was no longer PG. But I stil asked for updates and tried as best I could to be supportive of my friend, the grandmother-to-be.
I just found out that she's having the baby shower this weekend. And I wasn't invited. Which I could normally understand since I'm a 'work friend', but the other ladies I work with are invited. And my feelings are hurt. Now I can only assume that it's becuase of the losses I had this year and my friend doesn't want to upset me by inviting me. But shouldn't that be my decision on whether or not I can handle going to a baby shower? And like I said, I don't actually want to go (I'd be so upset) but I want to be invited.
Am I totally nuts for thinking this way? I kind of don't think so. She is close enough a friend that she could have talked to me about it and asked how comfortable I would be going. Then I could be totally honest with her and decline, but still send a gift for her daughter. I'm just sad. And I know the other women who are going are all talking about how exciting it will be (their whispers are pretty loud) and then get quiet when I walk over, leading to everyone's discomfort.
I just hate this stuff.
I hate how IF and RPL has affected my life to the point where I can't go about the normal exciting things in my family/friends' lives.
Friday, February 29, 2008
I think my body works now.
TMI ahead…
In my entire life, ever since I went through puberty, I have NEVER felt my body O. I never had cramps or anything. I never knew for sure where I was in my cycle, and AF would just come and go once a month and I never gave much thought to it. I was on BCP and I was never late so I never paid attention to my cycles. I was on BCP from the time I was 16 (oh please don’t judge LOL) until Ed and I started to TTC when I was 28. So that is 12 years of never really thinking about my cycles, as long as AF came once a month, which she always did.
At this point in my life I have gone through 3 m/c’s, which obviously means I’ve been PG three times. And I think my body finally “gets” it. I can now feel when I O!! I only know that it is O that I’m feeling b/c I’ve been through enough assisted cycle where I know exactly when I O (thanks to a trigger shot). I have never felt this stuff before…I have two days in my cycle where I have EWCM and then wham! The cramping and bloated feelings begin for two days. The only other times I felt this was during my two fresh IVF cycles, and the one normal cycle I had after my last m/c before we started my frozen FET.
I wish I could translate this realization into some fabulous procreation but for now I will settle for the fact that I have a bit of a precursor for when I will O. I can stop the game of BD’ing every other night…or every single night…from CD 12 to CD 22 to “cover our bases”. Phew. This feels like a huge load has been lifted in regards to wondering if my body is in fact working properly concerning my O.
Now I still have to remember that we have a VERY low sperm count and my P4 seems to be low. But other than that we have no reason for us to still be childless. I have another 2 weeks or so to get my RPL blood panel back and I’m desperately praying we find something wrong there. If that comes back normal, well then I just feel S-O-O-L (shit out of luck) in the baby department. My only hope then would be that I turn into one of those amazingly lucky people who conceived after many rounds of IVF and m/c’s on a break”.
But for now, there is still hope…
In my entire life, ever since I went through puberty, I have NEVER felt my body O. I never had cramps or anything. I never knew for sure where I was in my cycle, and AF would just come and go once a month and I never gave much thought to it. I was on BCP and I was never late so I never paid attention to my cycles. I was on BCP from the time I was 16 (oh please don’t judge LOL) until Ed and I started to TTC when I was 28. So that is 12 years of never really thinking about my cycles, as long as AF came once a month, which she always did.
At this point in my life I have gone through 3 m/c’s, which obviously means I’ve been PG three times. And I think my body finally “gets” it. I can now feel when I O!! I only know that it is O that I’m feeling b/c I’ve been through enough assisted cycle where I know exactly when I O (thanks to a trigger shot). I have never felt this stuff before…I have two days in my cycle where I have EWCM and then wham! The cramping and bloated feelings begin for two days. The only other times I felt this was during my two fresh IVF cycles, and the one normal cycle I had after my last m/c before we started my frozen FET.
I wish I could translate this realization into some fabulous procreation but for now I will settle for the fact that I have a bit of a precursor for when I will O. I can stop the game of BD’ing every other night…or every single night…from CD 12 to CD 22 to “cover our bases”. Phew. This feels like a huge load has been lifted in regards to wondering if my body is in fact working properly concerning my O.
Now I still have to remember that we have a VERY low sperm count and my P4 seems to be low. But other than that we have no reason for us to still be childless. I have another 2 weeks or so to get my RPL blood panel back and I’m desperately praying we find something wrong there. If that comes back normal, well then I just feel S-O-O-L (shit out of luck) in the baby department. My only hope then would be that I turn into one of those amazingly lucky people who conceived after many rounds of IVF and m/c’s on a break”.
But for now, there is still hope…
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