Monday, February 9, 2009

Finally put my finger on it.

I have had many moments since EJ was born that I have felt an overwhelming sense of anxiety. I had no idea what I was anxious about though. I would run through a check-list in my mind...

EJ is fed.
EJ is bathed.
EJ is sound asleep.
Jimmy is fed.
Jimmy was walked.
The stove isn't on.
The laundry is done.
Dinner is in the oven.
My flat iron is turned off.
Everything is fine.

I'd have to repeat to myself that everything is in order and nothing was about to catch on fire. Then it dawned on me. I have had something to be anxious about for so long that it has now become part of me. I have either had to worry about remembering to take a pill/injection, remembering to keep an RE appt, obsessing about what CD I was on, when I'd "O", when I could test, what was this bleeding, what was this cramping, what was this other random pain, was there still a heartbeat, could I feel him kicking????? The list goes on.

And now I have none of that. And I don't know what to do with myself. It's hard to turn that part of my brain off after three years and just enjoy everything right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm as happy as a pig in sh!t, but every now and then I feel that pit in my stomach out of habit and I have to remind myself that everything is just as it should be.

I never thought I would be here.

Maybe a nice shot of vodka would quench that anxiety?? LOL.


Kristin (kekis) said...

Just check to make sure your hair dryer isn't in the bathtub, and your pants aren't on fire. Then RELAX. And enjoy.

Lisa said...

I am so happy for you - I am built the same way so I understand completely. I think the vodka is a good idea - I happen to be a coffee junkie and I am enjoying the last few days in my house with Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee...yum...

Katie said...

A little vodka never hurt anybody ;)

Emily said...

Totally makes sense! Try to enjoy it and I think a cocktail is in order!

Tracy said...

You are here! Enjoy, Maria!