Sunday night in the ER...no more twins :-(

I had had some brown spotting since Tuesday (Christmas) but my RE said it was nothing to worry about. Then yesterday I had some bright red flow with clots. DH and I got right over to my local ER. They brought us right back into a room and we waited for the u/s tech to be paged and get to the hospital. She arrived three hours later. I was losing my mind as I'm sure you can imagine.

They then gave me a trans-vag and trans-abdom. u/s. They could still see an embaby in there but it looked like there was no sign of a twin anywhere and that could have caused my bleeding. My hCG isn't doubling as it should and that could also be a result of the dying twin. I hope so anyway. I'm a nervous wreck that this pgncy remains viable and my last little embaby stays put.

I'm still spotting a bit today and it's still bright red. I have a call into my RE and he'll decide if he wants to see me before my appt this Friday. Please keep all of your wonderful prayers coming that all goes well from here on out. It's so scary.

How do I calm down??

As many of you know about me, I have had 2 losses in the past 12 months. This is PG #3 for me this year and I'm a total basket case that I'm going to m/c again. How can I cope with this? I was just at my RE two days ago and everything looked great but I just can't shake this feeling that things will go terribly wrong again.

I run to the bathroom at every inkling that I feel spotting/AF and I examine the TP for any signs of spotting. I get nervous whenever I feel cramping (which I know is normal).

I just want to enjoy being pregnant. I want to get excited about it but I'm afraid. DH bought me a little onesie yesterday and I have it hanging so I can see it but it still makes my stomach go into knots thinking I'll have to pack it away in a week or so (like the last two times). It's so hard to hold out hope. I wish I could get an u/s everyday to ease my mind. I know, that's totally OCD but I'm sure some of you know how I feel.

How did you ladies deal with this???

First u/s today...*maybe* twins??!!!

I went for my first u/s this morning and we most definitely saw one perfect little black hole with a perfect little yolk sac inside it. Then we saw another smaller black hole. The nurse guessed it wasn't viable, but my RE said he'd give us a 20% chance that it will continue to grow. I could use some great baby dust ladies!!

I haven't posted in a few days so I'll give a quick recap. As you can imagine we had a great Christmas since we got awesome betas a few days ago. We have only told our parents and one set of siblings on each side. It's hard keeping the secret, but it's even harded to tell of a m/c so we're keeping our lips sealed this time, at least until 12 weeks (not that that is totally a safe zone). I'm just 5w 3d today so we still have almost 2 months to bask in the glory of our little secret for now. It will be tough to avoid drinking in public on NYE so we'll have to be crafty in hiding my virgin drinks from nosey family members.

I've been feeling fine except for a few moments a day of being light-headed. My RE said this morning that I just need to be sure to always be full of healthy foods since the placenta is now starting to draw nutrition from my body. Honestly though, I think it's my nerves. I've been a basket case since I got my BFP. Don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED to be PG but SCARED TO DEATH that I'm going to lose this one too. It would be my third in a year. Ugh.

Wait, scratch that...I'm thinking positively now...THE THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM :D

I know, I know, I was being ridiculous!

I got the call from my nurse and my beta doubled perfectly!!! It's 213 \. So apparently, my "wet dream" had no ill effects. LOL. Thanks ladies for all of your support. Now you can all chime in with a resounding "WE TOLD YOU SO!!" :D

I go back on 12/27 for an u/s and hopefully we'll get great news and be able to see a little sac, or two.

I finished all of my Christmas shopping last night and went out to dinner with my Mom. I told her the great news and she almost climbed over the table to hug me. My Dad had a work meeting so he couldn't be there and I just couldn't hold my secret till I saw them together this weekend. So we called my Dad on speakerphone after dinner and his first question was "how many??" I told him we won't know until next week and I think he was a little bummed...he's DYING for twins. He knows my Mom will be a baby-hog so he wants to be sure there is an "extra" baby for him to hold too. LOL.

As you can imagine, I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief.

I seriously believe that my orgasms had something to do with my 2 m/c's. My first BFP was Dec. 06 and we didn't have sex during my 2ww. That was the first time we tried that method in our year of TTC. Then, a week after my BFP I finally gave in to DH (:D) and had the Big O. The next day I started spotting and went on to m/c. I didn't think there was a connection at the time so I continued to have the Big O during all of my 2ww's.

Then, my second IVF I abstained again from all Big O's...BFP!! We didn't have sex for like 6 weeks total. Then, as many of us TTTC'ers experience, I had one in my sleep on a Sunday night. That Monday I went to my RE and there was no HB at 8w 4d.

So I began to think that orgasms might have something to do with it.

Now, I just got my BFP after my FET and again on Sunday night I had a Big O in my sleep. I went for my first beta yesterday and it was 103. I don't feel any more cramping like I did for the week prior and I don't have one single solitary sympton.

I'm scared to death to get my second beta tomorrow for fear that I caused another m/c.

How I told DH

I had to pee super bad Saturday morning around 5 am. I didn't want to waste my FMU so I took that time to POAS. I used the digital test I was saving so that there was no denying it. DH swears the two lines have to be the same darkness so he debates me on "faint BFP's" LOL. So, I was thrilled to see the little window read "Pregnant". I then hid the test since we still had a few hours of sleeping left. When DH FINALLY woke up and went to brush his teeth, I put the test stick in a mini stocking and left it on his pillow. When he came out of the bathroom he was like "ooh, and early Christmas present for me. Yeah!" And I was like, well, this is for both of us. He got a confused look on his face and was just like "OPEN IT ALREADY!!!!". Geesh!!!! So he looked at the stick as just started laughing, giggling almost. He was so cute. He used our commonly used term "I'm cautiously optimistic but still very excited!!" I was giddy myself. So he then took the stocking and hung it on our railing with our other regular stockings. It's so cute hanging there :-)

BFP!!!

I'm still in shock. I'm only 11 dpo but I definitely saw a second line. This is my 3rd BFP in 12 months so you can imagine how scared I am right now. I'm praying like crazy that this one sticks the full 9 months. What an amazing Christmas Miracle for me and DH. I can't wait to tell him. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I'll post my idea once I think of one. Hopefully my Nesties will have some great creative ideas :D

I'm barely even able to focus enough to type this right now. LOL.

I guess this would explain my obscene amount of crying the past two days. I cried at happy things, sad things, good things, bad things. I cried at them all and without any effort. I'm still taking E2 and P4 so on top of that I have the hormones my body is naturally producing too. Oh what a roller coaster ride IF is. I hope I go through a nice 9-month-long smooth patch here.

Thank you all for your wonderful support. It means so much to me to have you to check in with every day.