For Good

These are the lyrics to the song "For Good" from the musical Wicked. I'm sure many of you know why I would post it so I won't get all teary trying to explain...

ELPHABA
I'm limited:
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you(spoken)
For both of us(sung)
Now it's up to you:

GLINDA
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

GLINDA
Because I knew you:

BOTH
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA
And just to clear the airI ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

GLINDA
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH
And none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA ELPHABA
Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood

BOTH
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

GLINDA
And because I knew you:

ELPHABA
Because I knew you:

BOTH
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.

What a crazy way to end 2007

As I posted yesterday, I spent Sunday night in the ER, and lost one of our twins. I went to my RE on Monday and the nurse said our sac was empty (blighted ovum). As you can imagine I was devastated. My doctor wasn't in so I went home and waited for his call in the afternoon. It was a terrible four hour wait for him to call. I was so upset. This would be my third loss this year. What a totally crappy 2007. Can't get much worse. We've been through so much in the past 14 months and I can't think of a worse time in my life.

BUT...

Then my RE called around 4:30 and he said that both he and another nurse saw a sac. So we're not down and out...yet. I have to go back on Friday and he said we should see the HB flicker by then.

Please please please send as many prayers as you can our way so that our little baby holds on. I'm having a hard time holding out hope as I don't want to get terrible news on Friday and go through those tears all over again. I feel so torn apart and broken. This pgncy has been such a roller coaster of them telling me things are ok, but me not feeling that they are.

I know the loss of the twin will affect my hCG numbers but it's still freaking me out that they're not doubling as quickly as I'd like them to. I know I should listen to my RE but I don't want to hold out false hope. I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than devasted...again.

Oh how I wish 2008 is better than 2007.

Sunday night in the ER...no more twins :-(

I had had some brown spotting since Tuesday (Christmas) but my RE said it was nothing to worry about. Then yesterday I had some bright red flow with clots. DH and I got right over to my local ER. They brought us right back into a room and we waited for the u/s tech to be paged and get to the hospital. She arrived three hours later. I was losing my mind as I'm sure you can imagine.

They then gave me a trans-vag and trans-abdom. u/s. They could still see an embaby in there but it looked like there was no sign of a twin anywhere and that could have caused my bleeding. My hCG isn't doubling as it should and that could also be a result of the dying twin. I hope so anyway. I'm a nervous wreck that this pgncy remains viable and my last little embaby stays put.

I'm still spotting a bit today and it's still bright red. I have a call into my RE and he'll decide if he wants to see me before my appt this Friday. Please keep all of your wonderful prayers coming that all goes well from here on out. It's so scary.

How do I calm down??

As many of you know about me, I have had 2 losses in the past 12 months. This is PG #3 for me this year and I'm a total basket case that I'm going to m/c again. How can I cope with this? I was just at my RE two days ago and everything looked great but I just can't shake this feeling that things will go terribly wrong again.

I run to the bathroom at every inkling that I feel spotting/AF and I examine the TP for any signs of spotting. I get nervous whenever I feel cramping (which I know is normal).

I just want to enjoy being pregnant. I want to get excited about it but I'm afraid. DH bought me a little onesie yesterday and I have it hanging so I can see it but it still makes my stomach go into knots thinking I'll have to pack it away in a week or so (like the last two times). It's so hard to hold out hope. I wish I could get an u/s everyday to ease my mind. I know, that's totally OCD but I'm sure some of you know how I feel.

How did you ladies deal with this???

First u/s today...*maybe* twins??!!!

I went for my first u/s this morning and we most definitely saw one perfect little black hole with a perfect little yolk sac inside it. Then we saw another smaller black hole. The nurse guessed it wasn't viable, but my RE said he'd give us a 20% chance that it will continue to grow. I could use some great baby dust ladies!!

I haven't posted in a few days so I'll give a quick recap. As you can imagine we had a great Christmas since we got awesome betas a few days ago. We have only told our parents and one set of siblings on each side. It's hard keeping the secret, but it's even harded to tell of a m/c so we're keeping our lips sealed this time, at least until 12 weeks (not that that is totally a safe zone). I'm just 5w 3d today so we still have almost 2 months to bask in the glory of our little secret for now. It will be tough to avoid drinking in public on NYE so we'll have to be crafty in hiding my virgin drinks from nosey family members.

I've been feeling fine except for a few moments a day of being light-headed. My RE said this morning that I just need to be sure to always be full of healthy foods since the placenta is now starting to draw nutrition from my body. Honestly though, I think it's my nerves. I've been a basket case since I got my BFP. Don't get me wrong, I'm THRILLED to be PG but SCARED TO DEATH that I'm going to lose this one too. It would be my third in a year. Ugh.

Wait, scratch that...I'm thinking positively now...THE THIRD TIME IS THE CHARM :D

I know, I know, I was being ridiculous!

I got the call from my nurse and my beta doubled perfectly!!! It's 213 \. So apparently, my "wet dream" had no ill effects. LOL. Thanks ladies for all of your support. Now you can all chime in with a resounding "WE TOLD YOU SO!!" :D

I go back on 12/27 for an u/s and hopefully we'll get great news and be able to see a little sac, or two.

I finished all of my Christmas shopping last night and went out to dinner with my Mom. I told her the great news and she almost climbed over the table to hug me. My Dad had a work meeting so he couldn't be there and I just couldn't hold my secret till I saw them together this weekend. So we called my Dad on speakerphone after dinner and his first question was "how many??" I told him we won't know until next week and I think he was a little bummed...he's DYING for twins. He knows my Mom will be a baby-hog so he wants to be sure there is an "extra" baby for him to hold too. LOL.

As you can imagine, I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief.

I seriously believe that my orgasms had something to do with my 2 m/c's. My first BFP was Dec. 06 and we didn't have sex during my 2ww. That was the first time we tried that method in our year of TTC. Then, a week after my BFP I finally gave in to DH (:D) and had the Big O. The next day I started spotting and went on to m/c. I didn't think there was a connection at the time so I continued to have the Big O during all of my 2ww's.

Then, my second IVF I abstained again from all Big O's...BFP!! We didn't have sex for like 6 weeks total. Then, as many of us TTTC'ers experience, I had one in my sleep on a Sunday night. That Monday I went to my RE and there was no HB at 8w 4d.

So I began to think that orgasms might have something to do with it.

Now, I just got my BFP after my FET and again on Sunday night I had a Big O in my sleep. I went for my first beta yesterday and it was 103. I don't feel any more cramping like I did for the week prior and I don't have one single solitary sympton.

I'm scared to death to get my second beta tomorrow for fear that I caused another m/c.