I had my saline sonohystogram today. Is that even what it's called? LOL. It was like a regular internal u/s but they put a balloon in my uterus first and then filled it with water. That hurt. I could feel my uterus expand and it was cramping up trying to resist it. That lasted for about 20 seconds and then it was over. They let the water out and I felt fine. Oh, but then my RE took the "duck lips" out and I swear it felt like he was trying to pull my cervix out! Apparently it had to come out before the cathetar/balloon came out so my cervix was dialted and the "duck lips" couldn't open any farther. OMG that was ridiculous. But it was all over pretty quickly and then I was perfectly fine to go back to work.
My results: everything is clear! All "products of conception" have passed and I should expect to O one day next week. I had a follie around 13 mm so we should have a nice sized target this month. Not that I have any real hopes for conceiving on our own, but it's nice to know my body went back to normal relatively quickly after my m/c.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Fun times in our house!!!
Big news in our house, we got a foster dog. We own a Basenji named Jimmy and I love the breed. I help out with the rescue group and fostered once this July. It was great, but I was so sad to see the dog go even though we only had him for a week. Plus he went to friends so we knew he was going to a great home. Anyway, we came across this female who was neglected, starving and abused by the two Chow’s the owner had. So they agreed to surrender her to be helped out. She and Jimmy hit it off instantly, running around the house and yard like total nuts! She’s a little peanut, I don’t think she’s even 10 pounds and you can still see her ribs and bones (it breaks my heart). Jimmy looks like a giant next to her. She gobbled up her food this morning and was like velcro to me. She just loves attention and is super spunky and super cute.
I can tell she’s going to have an ornery streak in her like Jimmy too. My MIL calls him “curious” but that is far too sweat of a word for the little bugger. I’m such a sucker for dogs!
She slept all curled up with us last night, and Jimmy used her as a pillow…they were adorable together, so sweet it could give you a cavity. LOL. So this has obviously cheered me up, but I know I’ll be sad when she gets adopted…if we don’t end up adopting her. Hee hee.
I attached a few pictures, but it’s hard to see her face while she’s gnawing that bone. I couldn’t get it away from her and I swear it weighs more than she does.
I attached a few pictures, but it’s hard to see her face while she’s gnawing that bone. I couldn’t get it away from her and I swear it weighs more than she does.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I am not alone.
I often feel that my DH doesn't think about our IF problems nearly as much as I do. Well, I know he doesn't. But he took me off guard this morning with an email. It just made me tear up at my desk. Partly b/c of how bad I feel about our situation, partly b/c I hate for him to feel sad, and partly b/c I know I'm not alone, and that even makes me sad.
This was his email:
"Just been thinking a lot about our “situation” and for some reason it’s really bumming me out.
I read an article in Field and Stream about a guy and his dad. Just their relationship and how it was rocky when he was young, and how through hunting together they found a common ground and that kept them from drifting apart as the son grew up. Just reminded me of me and my dad and how we always fish together. Kinda just bummed me out, that I may or may not have anyone I can teach how to fish. "
I think we are all guilty of leaving our DH's out of the situations we face. We feel that we need to carry the burden on our own. And since we are physically going through it all, then they don't really "get it" as much. But we have to realize they are very much part of what is going on and they deal with their sorrows in their own way. I know my DH wants so desperately to "fix" everything and it kills him that he can't. He wants more than anything for me to have our baby and his heart aches for me that he can't make that happen. And today I realize (I'm sure I've known all along) that there are things in his life that he would miss out on too if we are not blessed with a child. I think we have a tendency to be selfish with the self-pity but we're not alone in this...we're not the only one with broken hearts. We need to be there for each other, not just constantly leaning for support. We have to be supportive as well. And we have the strength to do it.
This was his email:
"Just been thinking a lot about our “situation” and for some reason it’s really bumming me out.
I read an article in Field and Stream about a guy and his dad. Just their relationship and how it was rocky when he was young, and how through hunting together they found a common ground and that kept them from drifting apart as the son grew up. Just reminded me of me and my dad and how we always fish together. Kinda just bummed me out, that I may or may not have anyone I can teach how to fish. "
I think we are all guilty of leaving our DH's out of the situations we face. We feel that we need to carry the burden on our own. And since we are physically going through it all, then they don't really "get it" as much. But we have to realize they are very much part of what is going on and they deal with their sorrows in their own way. I know my DH wants so desperately to "fix" everything and it kills him that he can't. He wants more than anything for me to have our baby and his heart aches for me that he can't make that happen. And today I realize (I'm sure I've known all along) that there are things in his life that he would miss out on too if we are not blessed with a child. I think we have a tendency to be selfish with the self-pity but we're not alone in this...we're not the only one with broken hearts. We need to be there for each other, not just constantly leaning for support. We have to be supportive as well. And we have the strength to do it.
Friday, October 26, 2007
I saw my cervix on a TV screen.
I had my hysteroscopy yesterday. I was awake for the whole thing. Had everything been ok inside me, being awake would have been fine. It would have only taken about 2 minutes. BUT there was something in there and I wanted desperately to be knocked out.
They got me all set up on the chair in my RE’s office with a huge plastic bag thing under my bum. Then my RE brings this gadget towards me with a surgical steel “pipe” looking thing on the end. It was thinner than a chopstick and about twice as long. There was a tiny camera on the end of it. He turned it on and voila…my cervix was on the TV screen. I’ve never seen it before and I think I’m set for life to never see it again. LOL. So, in he goes. Ah, the beauty of the inside of my uterus :D It felt just like an IUI so nothing big. Well, as soon as he goes inside my uterus there is this clump of tissue the size of a big blueberry there. A-ha!! This could be what is causing my problems!!! 1. It’s blocking a good portion of my uterus so DH’s swimmers probably can’t swim past it. 2. Things like that can impede implantation and even cause m/c’s. So….then my RE inserts another long pipe thing. But this one has tiny spike looking things on the end (like you see on a dog collar or something). Then he proceeds to “mow” as he called it and I wanted to scream! It was so painful I had to ask him to stop mid-way through. He was scraping my lining trying to remove all that shouldn’t be there. I think that part lasted a long two minutes and the whole thing was under half an hour. Oh and this whole time the nurse is squirting saline up there so I can feel it drip out of me (into that huge plastic bad under my bum). That part felt like I was wetting myself. How lovely. Thank goodness my Mom was there (DH couldn’t make it). I was squeezing her hand so hard I left fingernail marks. Only a Mom would let you do that J
Now I’m not saying this to scare any of you away from this procedure, but I wanted to be honest so you knew what to expect. I would have loved if someone could have told me about it ahead of time, but everyone I knew was put to sleep for it (I’m so jealous!!).
Moral of the story…get knocked out whenever possible!! If nothing was there it would have been fine, but the whole “mowing” process was the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my entire TTC journey (and I’ve been through a lot!). Today I’m a bit crampy and just have an odd feeling in my abdomen. I had light flow yesterday and still spotting some this morning. They said my next period should be full of clots since they broke up a lot of the surface of my uterus.
I go back in a week for a saline SHG (I think that’s what I’m going back for anyway) and they’ll make sure everything is clear.
They got me all set up on the chair in my RE’s office with a huge plastic bag thing under my bum. Then my RE brings this gadget towards me with a surgical steel “pipe” looking thing on the end. It was thinner than a chopstick and about twice as long. There was a tiny camera on the end of it. He turned it on and voila…my cervix was on the TV screen. I’ve never seen it before and I think I’m set for life to never see it again. LOL. So, in he goes. Ah, the beauty of the inside of my uterus :D It felt just like an IUI so nothing big. Well, as soon as he goes inside my uterus there is this clump of tissue the size of a big blueberry there. A-ha!! This could be what is causing my problems!!! 1. It’s blocking a good portion of my uterus so DH’s swimmers probably can’t swim past it. 2. Things like that can impede implantation and even cause m/c’s. So….then my RE inserts another long pipe thing. But this one has tiny spike looking things on the end (like you see on a dog collar or something). Then he proceeds to “mow” as he called it and I wanted to scream! It was so painful I had to ask him to stop mid-way through. He was scraping my lining trying to remove all that shouldn’t be there. I think that part lasted a long two minutes and the whole thing was under half an hour. Oh and this whole time the nurse is squirting saline up there so I can feel it drip out of me (into that huge plastic bad under my bum). That part felt like I was wetting myself. How lovely. Thank goodness my Mom was there (DH couldn’t make it). I was squeezing her hand so hard I left fingernail marks. Only a Mom would let you do that J
Now I’m not saying this to scare any of you away from this procedure, but I wanted to be honest so you knew what to expect. I would have loved if someone could have told me about it ahead of time, but everyone I knew was put to sleep for it (I’m so jealous!!).
Moral of the story…get knocked out whenever possible!! If nothing was there it would have been fine, but the whole “mowing” process was the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my entire TTC journey (and I’ve been through a lot!). Today I’m a bit crampy and just have an odd feeling in my abdomen. I had light flow yesterday and still spotting some this morning. They said my next period should be full of clots since they broke up a lot of the surface of my uterus.
I go back in a week for a saline SHG (I think that’s what I’m going back for anyway) and they’ll make sure everything is clear.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Author Unknown
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Monday, October 22, 2007
I love my DH :-)
Finally, I’m in a great mood.
DH and I had a great weekend and he planned the whole thing. Friday night we had some wine, take-out and watched TV all night on the couch with Jimmy (our dog). It was so relaxing. I then slept the best night’s sleep I’ve had in almost 2 years. I didn’t budge all night long and slept in till 8:00. I’m usually awake by 6:30 on weekends (I hate that!). Then we hung around most of the day, reading, napping, and just chilling out together. Then we got ready to go out. We went to see a comedy show and then to an amazing Brazilian Steakhouse for dinner in Center City. It was an awesome night!!
On Sunday we took the train to NY to see “Grease”. It’s my all time favorite and I was thrilled to see it on Broadway. We had lunch at a nice Irish Pub and walked around the city for a while after the show. I got roasted peanuts from the vendor (still warm, yum!) and we each got $5 watches. They don’t say “Folex” or anything but they’re pretty good knock-offs. LOL.
We got in around 9:30 Sunday night, had some yummy KFC, and went to bed totally exhausted from our busy weekend.
It’s so good to be back among the Land of the Living!!!!
DH and I had a great weekend and he planned the whole thing. Friday night we had some wine, take-out and watched TV all night on the couch with Jimmy (our dog). It was so relaxing. I then slept the best night’s sleep I’ve had in almost 2 years. I didn’t budge all night long and slept in till 8:00. I’m usually awake by 6:30 on weekends (I hate that!). Then we hung around most of the day, reading, napping, and just chilling out together. Then we got ready to go out. We went to see a comedy show and then to an amazing Brazilian Steakhouse for dinner in Center City. It was an awesome night!!
On Sunday we took the train to NY to see “Grease”. It’s my all time favorite and I was thrilled to see it on Broadway. We had lunch at a nice Irish Pub and walked around the city for a while after the show. I got roasted peanuts from the vendor (still warm, yum!) and we each got $5 watches. They don’t say “Folex” or anything but they’re pretty good knock-offs. LOL.
We got in around 9:30 Sunday night, had some yummy KFC, and went to bed totally exhausted from our busy weekend.
It’s so good to be back among the Land of the Living!!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I have to acknowledge it.
I tried all day to get it out of my head, but I have to say it. Today is October 18th. Today would have been the beginning of our second trimester and I would have finally felt like we were in the “safe zone”. It was the day that as soon as I found out we were PG, I figured out this was the date and I focused on it for the five weeks we lived in the bliss of being PG. I was so looking forward to this day and yet it’s here and it means absolutely nothing to me anymore. Ten years and two days ago (October 16th 1997) was the day I was admitted to the hospital with ARDS and put into a coma for six weeks. In the future, I would like to hibernate for this week every year since mid-October is just not a good time for me. It’s a shame. I absolutely adore the Fall (the colors, the weather) and I’m beginning to dread it. I am very sad. Devastated.
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