One of those (bad) days...

I sent this email to a friend this morning and I thought it would make a good post. I just needed to get some feelings out and I know others feel this way. So here you go, you're not alone if you're in a sluky mood, too :D

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I pray that I forget all of this someday. Well I know I will never *forget*, but I hope I don't remember how painful it was. I don't want to remember all the details, either of the m/c or of the IVF. After this m/c when I started to pass stuff I just told DH that I wish I could get that picture out of my head. I hope to forget someday. If our God is as merciful as we think He is, He will let me forget it.

The weather was great around here this weekend; I just LOVE this time of year. However, It's supposed to be warmer and humid tomorrow and I know that will put me in a grumpy mood. I'll be sulking anyway since tomorrow would have been the date we moved to the "safe" zone of our second trimester. I wish I didn't have that date so prominent in my head but I was focused on that date for 8 weeks, it's now hard to forget.

I went to my therapist last night and I didn't feel like we accomplished a lot. She talked about stuff that I found totally irrelevant, but I'm hoping she knew what she was doing with her line of questions.

Geesh, I'm the driver of the pity-party bus today. Stay away if you're in a good mood!! LOL. Forget you read any of that and go on your merry way of having a good day.

I'll go self-medicate myself with an ice cream cone to cheer myself up :D

3 weeks ago today...

These three weeks have really flown by. I can't believe it's been that long since my m/c. I think I am doing very well emotionally. My spotting seems to have stopped (crossing my fingers) so I hope that means my body is progressing and getting over being PG. I go back this Friday for another beta and as always I'm praying that it's zero by then. That means then I'll have to sit around and wait a few more weeks until AF shows up, and then we start our FET protocol.

DH and I had a great weekend together. We're really re-connecting and it's been great for us. We were so absorbed by TTC and going to the RE that we lost focus on each other. All we talked about was TTC and all the procedures, so it's nice to chat over dinner about normal stuff. It's good to have this time before we start our FET, as much as I hate waiting, I think it's good for us to get our relationship back where it's not all about procreation. We're BD'ing just for the fun of it...haven't done that since Feb. 2006 and it's awesome!!

I so needed this...

DRUNK SEX.

Last night was our 4th anniversary and we had a great time. I made a great pasta dinner, we went through almost 2 magnums of wine, watched our wedding video (our tradition on our anniv.) and laughed for hours. I haven’t been that drunk since our last anniversary…RE says not to drink while doing fertility treatments. With the addition of not having sex since two days before our last IVF cycle (in August) -- it was so awesome!!! DH and I really needed to re-connect like that again and being drunk just made it so much fun. LOL.

And for those of you that emailed me asking what was in the little blue box…Tiffany’s Elsa Peretti’s Eternal Circle pendant & necklace. I love it!!

To my lovely ladies on The Next PG Loss board...

In reading all the posts here I feel so proud of all of us. We have been through so much, and yet we have the ability to carry on, sometimes with such little time since our loss. I am amazed at the gracious and kind advice constantly being passed around. This is an amazing bunch of women. Strong. Courageous. Gutsy. Intelligent. The list goes on.

It is so interesting how there can be serious posts, full of sympathies, encouragement and advice; and then there are the ranting/venting posts that we need sometimes to just get the thoughts out of our own heads. And we are all there cheering the poster on and giving support in whatever way they need it. Anything goes here. There is never too much “TMI” and we are as frank as necessary to get a clear picture of what we are going through, and what we can expect as we heal. There is no room for embarrassment as we have all been through this and we are the only people who can truly understand what the others are going through.

I just wanted to say that I am so glad to have found this board and you all have helped me a great deal and I hope I can be as helpful and supportive to those that post here!

And then I woke up.

Saturday morning I woke and was in a fantastic mood. DH and I had a great Friday night; I slept like a log, and slept in until I was ready to get out of bed. And had a great day. And that was that. It was like a switch went off in my head. I was done crying. I was done sulking. I was done feeling sorry for myself. I had my old attitude back, and DH was thrilled to have me. We had a great weekend, reconnecting like we so desperately needed to. I’m ready to move on.

I'm 14 days past my m/c and my hCG for today is 194 so I still have another week or so until it’s down to zero. There is nothing I can do about it so I’m going on with my life. It feels great to take back that control. I hope I can continue it when days get rough, but for now I’m doing the best I have in a long time.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountain (singing Indigo Girls in my head)...

I went for my first visit with a counselor last night. Although it was a very rough hour, I’m so glad I went. She started off going through my life history, which was fine, but then we got to the reason I was there. Without saying a word I got choked up, teary-eyed and couldn’t speak. She let me take all the time I needed to actually get the words out. She was very caring and motherly, which is great for me. She was pretty much in shock that I had just had my 2nd m/c ten days ago and was able to talk so well about it already.

She helped me realize just how consumed my life has been with my TTC journey over the past 20 months. I knew that I was obsessed, but I guess just in the back of my head, and to actually admit to it was very difficult. She helped me with seeing that I need to do things for myself and it’s natural and normal for me to find it difficult to be around PG women and babies. She said it is fine to remove myself from those situations if I find them too difficult. The goal is not to alienate myself, but there is no sense is punishing myself even more by forcing a smile when I clearly am heartbroken inside. She said we’ll work on areas on how to turn my brain off so that I’m not constantly thinking about TTC or my 2 m/c’s. I’m a “thinker” and that is SO hard for me to just NOT think about TTC.

One other thing she helped me realize is that I’ve never really had to deal with loss. In my eyes, I have only had one great loss… I had lost my grandmother when I was 18 (we were close, she always lived with us) but she had been sick for years and I had been preparing for the worst all that time. She was to the point where we were glad she was not suffering any more so it was easier to deal with. Plus, I had just started college so I was wrapped up in a busy life to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have that now. It’s like I eat, sleep and breath TTC and my IF struggles. My life has become consumed by that and my scheduling is all around when I have to be at my RE’s office, especially during IVF cycles when I’m there every three days. All of my friends and family are having babies so I am constantly reminded about the fact that I don’t have a baby (yet!). I have never had anything in my life that I was unable to attain. I guess my control-freak and goal-oriented nature has not been able to deal with the fact that I just cannot make this happen. There is nothing more I can do and that drives me insane.

Ok, now I’m rambling J I just wanted to share how helpful I thought it was, even for my first visit. I go back in 10 days so hopefully I’ll be able to cry less so that we can accomplish more. LOL. Anyway, if any of you are contemplating speaking with someone about your struggles or your loss, I would highly recommend it.

Trying to cope.

So it was a week ago yesterday that I found out I would m/c. I'm still bleeding and cramping. Of course, I'm very sad too. I cry at the drop of a hat. My DH has been wonderful...bringing me flowers, making dinner, doing the dishes, doing laundry, everything. He's amazing and is trying his best to keep my spirits up. He's even been watching Dancing with the Stars with me...which he HATES to watch. It's great to have such a support when I'm so down. He always seems to know just when I need a nice cup of hot chocoate too, I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband :-)

I went to my RE yesterday and my u/s showed that my uterus has pretty much cleaned itself out. I still have a lining so I should expect to bleed for a few more days...oh what fun. I got my b/w results this moring and my hCG is now 1,333 (down from 66,000 last Monday). We're heading in the right direction but I'm guessing it will still be another week until it's down to zero. That just means I should expect AF to arrive a week later than I had thought. And that pushes my FET back to mid-December. I know it's not an awful amount of time but the thought of going through that during the Christmas season gives me mixed emotions.

First off, I had my IUI then last year that gave me my first ever BFP. It was an AWESOME Christmas. Maybe those great Christmas vibes will be with me again this year?? But then I had my first m/c over New Years...that blew. So if this FET doesn't work around Christmas this year I fear I will be forever jaded. And Christmas if my favorite time of the year. I'm like my Mom, we go nuts during the holiday season. We love to decorate, bake and visit all of our family. Well, hopefully my positive attitude during the holiday season will help me keep the stress at bay so my little one(s) can stick!!

Phew, that went on a bit too long. If you're still here, thanks for reading all of that! LOL.