Friday, November 30, 2007

I've been tagged!

I've been Tagged by Trish. It's my first and I have to say I quite enjoyed it ;)

Here are 8 things about me I'd like to share:

1. I have wicked curly dark hair. I mean curly-curly. Not just your regular old curly. And it's super thick. Each strand is like dental floss. LOL. Strangers come up to me telling me they love my hair but I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can never just roll out of bed and look ok. I have to shower and style my hair every damn morning. Oh, and in the summer the humidity wreaks havoc so I just pull it into a pony tail. I wish I had Cameron Diaz's hair.

2. I was in a coma for 6 weeks when I was 19 and a sophomore in college. I had pneumonia and it developed into ARDS. I had a traecheotomy (sp?) and 9 chest tubes. I had an x-ray every single day for 10 weeks and I'm wondering if that caused my IF. My RE says no, but I'm not 100% buying that.

3. I own a Basenji. His name is Jimmy and he'll be 4 in January. He makes me laugh every day. If my DH would allow it, I'd have a whole pack...and let them all sleep in bed with us :-)

4. I used to be a cheerleader. I started when I was 10 and cheered right on up through college. I am 5' 5" and used to be 115 lbs and a great athlete...not so much anymore :-(

5. I am a financial analyst and wish I picked any other career than this. I would love to be a teacher or a graphic designer. Maybe in my next life.

6. My Mom is my best friend.

7. I never thought in a million years would I have to deal with IF but if there is any positive side to it, I am so glad I have met all the wonderful ladies on the TTTC and PGL boards. They give me the drive and the ability to keep going :-)

8. I don't like ice cream with any chunks in it. I love Ben and Jerry's but I spit out all the stuff and just eat the creamy yummy ice cream. My DH laughs at me but ice cream is supposed to be SMOOTH, not full of lumps!!

Let's see who I should tag...I'm just going to do 6...
TayLynn
Bailly
3HappyHours
DelayisnotDenial
Girl in the South
MrsABC

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

CD 11, and other aggravation

I had b/w and u/s this morning and I have a few follies, with the biggest at 11 mm. This is the first cycle in a long time that follie size and count don’t really mean much. I’m more concerned that I have a good lining this cycle, which I do so far. I go back in three days for more b/w and u/s and I’m really hoping I can get a timeline by then. Since this is a “natural” FET cycle we’re just waiting for my body to O on its own. However, my nurse said if my follies get to a ripe size then I will trigger with Novarel. They don’t want to miss anything so that will help us keep things in line. I was expecting to O in 9 days, but by the sounds of my follie sized it might not be that long. This cycle is really moving along!

So, my one SIL finally decided she wanted to know what was going on with us. We tried to talk to her before about it but she just ignored us. We learned she’d been dealing with a bad bout of depression and her marriage is in trouble. She now seems concerned about us so I decided to share with her. Then she started asking questions about things that totally seemed irrelevant. I don’t know if she wasn’t following what I was saying, but I was like let’s look at the big picture here. Those things are important. She also started down the road of giving advice (she has had 3 kids almost with zero effort of “trying”) so I kind of cut her off at the knees. I said that I’m not looking for any advice. If she would like to know what we’ve been through and what we’re dealing with now, I’d be happy to share with her. But I have all the medical advice I need and I’ve been to a therapist for the emotional stuff. I also thought that I have friends and family who have been supportive FROM THE BEGINNING and I don’t need her to jump on the bandwagon coming around the (hopefully) final turn. Ugh. That annoyed me. I tried to be very nice and let her into our IF world but it just kind of bit me in the ass. How do you deal with people giving unwanted advice? It’s hard to smile through it; I just can’t stomach it anymore. I need to forget about her. I have more important things to focus on right now.

Sorry if that didn’t make much sense. My fingers aren’t keeping up with my mind and I doubt I’m typing coherently. LOL.

I hope all of you reading this are in a good place in your TTC journey; and that you’re receiving great support when needed most. And those of you that need it, you’re in my prayers. Hugs to everyone today.

Monday, November 26, 2007

I was glad to not have kids.

Honestly.

We spent Thanksgiving at my in-laws and we have 5 nieces and 2 nephews on DH’s side of the family. All are under 10. It was a crazy house with all of the kids running around, spilling drinks and breaking things. My in-laws were majorly annoyed b/c none of my SIL’s or BIL’s were watching their own kids. So DH’s parents had to take care of everything and clean it all up. This was one of the RARE cases over the past two years that I was actually glad I didn’t have a child in the mix of all that chaos. I know that I would have been caring after my children had they been there, but still I wanted no parts of being to blame for the disaster left behind.

Then I felt bad about thinking that. Like I was jinxing myself or something. I told DH about it in the car on the way home and he said he felt the exact same way. The next day we began our Christmas decorating and it’s one of my favorite days of the year. I am so desperately looking forward to the time when I have an extra stocking or two (or three or four) to hang for our children. I was in a great mood all day even though I expected it to be much harder than it was. I have my “Snow Babies” ornament and I thought of my 8 little “totsicles” when I hung it on my tree. And I had a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes. I am very happy to have my FET in two weeks that I’m really looking forward to. I’m glad my m/c was two months ago and I’ve been able to heal emotionally and physically during that time.

I’m HOPEFUL.

Monday, November 19, 2007

My FET is THIS cycle! No BCP’s!

As I posted the other day, I just got AF for the first time after my 9/24 m/c. I went for my CD 3 u/s and b/w yesterday and my RE decided we should do a natural FET cycle. That means no BCP’s, no estrace, no Lupron…NO SHOTS! Yeah! My P4 is even going to be in pill form this time. He said he would like to try keeping my body as natural as possible for this cycle, and keep as much stress away as I can. If it doesn’t work, we’ll try the other protocol with my next FET.

I think we’re also going to do a day-3 transfer since my embryos were frozen the day after my ER. I think they’re called 2PN?? Is that right??

So now I just sit and wait to O, which they will enhance with hCG (of course we had to throw one shot in my ass in!). And then three days later I’ll get four of my totsicles defrosted and transferred (or however many make the thaw). He sees a thaw rate for my age group just under 50%.

I think my transfer will be around Dec 9th, which was the day of my BFP IUI last year. I’m hoping that date gives us good luck again this year! And I’m hoping that I get a STICKY baby this time too. The only bad thing is that if I get a BFN that will of course put a huge damper on Christmas. I was all set to be on the pill for three weeks, and that would have made my transfer after the holidays, which I preferred. But I am excited to start this earlier than planned! I had my D&E on 1/5/07 so it made for a crappy start to the New Year. Please pray that we get a Christmas miracle! God I hope 2008 starts out better than 2007 did…

Friday, November 16, 2007

She’s baaaa-aaack!!

AF finally arrived today. Yeah! I’m on CD 53 after my m/c on 9/24 and I’m actually glad to see her (for the first time in 21 cycles). I have a CD 3 u/s and b/w on Sunday and I’ll start my BCP’s and gear up for my FET. As I posted on the PG Loss Board, I do well with a plan so I’ll be glad to start my protocol. I like having a date to look forward to. I’m guessing my transfer will be the week of Christmas so I’ll be praying for my own little Christmas miracle!

Last year I got my first ever BFP on 12/22 so I’m hoping the BFP comes back to celebrate the holidays with me. I’m very glad I won’t know anything before Christmas. If it was a BFN that would ruin the entire holiday season for me and it’s my absolute favorite time of year. Hopefully the holiday cheer with get me in the right mindset to encourage a nice Sticky Baby.

It’s been nice not running to the RE’s office once/twice a week for a while. I’ll go this Sunday and then not back until I’m done my 3 weeks of the pill. Then I may go only once or twice until they thaw my “totcicles”. An FET cycle is so much less-involved than a regular IVF. It’s a walk in the park in comparison. LOL.

I’m also planning on taking some time off from work after my transfer. I need to be able to relax and work really stresses me out. I know many women think it’s crazy to need time off, but my first two IVF’s obviously didn’t “stick” so I need to try something different. I’m going to hang out with my dog, and just do whatever I want during my time off. I’m going to try to stay at as much peace as I can…even go for a few massages/manicures/pedicures to keep the tension away. Call me a sissy if you want, but after the stress I’ve been under for the past 9 cycles of IUI’s/IVF’s, having 2 m/c’s and this upcoming FET, I think I deserve some time to myself. Does it sound like I’m justifying this to myself or what?! LMAO.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

I’m officially late.

But I won’t POAS. I always have a 10-day LP and today is day 10 and my temp was still up this morning. There is no way in hell I’m going to test until this time next week. I’m sure my cycle is just a bit screwy after my m/c and I’m not going to waste an HPT and deal with the emotions of a BFN. I will just wait patiently for AF’s arrival.

(Twiddling my thumbs impatiently…LOL)

Things have been going really well for me lately. I know it’s my frame of mind. I’m enjoying NOT TTC and dealing with the related stresses. DH and I have our relationship back and we’re having fun with each other again like we used to. We’re not so focused on TTC & doctor’s appts and we’re just leading our life like a normal couple. It’s really nice.

As soon as AF arrives I’ll start on BCP’s so that will give us three more weeks of living in ignorant bliss again. I’m going to enjoy every minute of it! This time last year we were doing our first IUI and it made for a devastating Thanksgiving when we got the BFN. We were so optimistic, and na├»ve about the whole RE process. I’m much more grounded about it now. I think I’m more level-headed and a realist about it for the most part. I certainly have my hopeful and optimistic moments but I try to stay cool, calm and collected the best I can. I’ve learned a lot, not only about the physical/clinical aspects but I’ve also learned how I react emotionally and how I can help myself through the hard times.

It feels good to be so positive again. Sorry, I know that can make some of you sick. LOL :-)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Reilly was adopted :-) and :-(

As you can imagine, I have total mixed emotions about it. I am so sad she’s gone. She was the cutest little peanut I’ve ever seen, and she made me laugh constantly. However, I’m so happy we found her a great “forever home”. The family came on Sunday and their dog instantly started playing with Reilly. Their daughter was thrilled to have her sleep in her bed, so I know she’ll be loved. It’s just hard to let go. I cried, of course. But, just like my prior foster, she will go on to be very happy and now we have room in our home to foster another dog needing some TLC. I have a great picture of her I’ll add to my collection, and in case you’re wondering, NO it won’t be the one of her in the diaper. LOL.

Nothing new on the TTC front. I think I’m 6 dpo so this is my first 2ww after my m/c. I’m not holding out much hope and just praying AF is on time so I can start my BCP for the FET next month. DH and I have gained our wonderful sex life back. Since we haven’t had the stress of having “TTC sex” or not being able to have it at all, it’s wonderful to be back to our old selves in that department!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Stole this from Bailly who stole it from Bunny who stole it from TTTC

You Might Be Infertile IF...

......you'll do anything to fight the urge to sneeze because you're afraid your ovaries might explode.

...you're having hot flashes before you're 30.

...the word "relax" actually makes you more tense.

...your crotch has seen more action from an RE than your DH.

...you're afraid to go "number two" after an IUI for fear of pushing out the spermies.

...when you go to the obgyn you don't have to use the calendar when they ask you the date of your last period.

... you shave your legs for your RE appts but not for your DH.

... you know the pharmacists by name, and they know you by name.

... you can't plan anything in advance because it might be CD3.

... you take more medications than your parents or grandparents.

... the thought of the holidays makes you nauseous for fear of inevitable questions and yet another pg announcement.

... it's "if" this or that works and not "when" it will work.

... you refuse to paint the future nursery for fear of jinxing yourself.

... you cried on Halloween seeing all those adorable costumes on the little one's and their pg mothers.

...your DH has seen ultrasounds of your uterus and ovaries, and knows exactly what he is looking at.

...you know what a "Dildo-cam" is.

...you know what ovary likes to ovulate better than your RE and the nurse that does your u/s every month.

...you have more drugs than a heroine addict.

...you have lengthy discussions about the status of your cervical mucus.

...you are frequently violated with a huge plastic wand -- by your nurse.

... you speak to your RE in T-TTC acronyms.

...your husband doesn't think it's weird when you stand on your head after sex because who knows -- this might just be the ONE time you could get pregnant without the help of a team of specialists.

...KY is banned in your household as it kills sperm.

...you have forgotten what spontaneity is.

...your husband is tired of masturbating in clinics and complains about friction burns from having to do it too often (bad, I know!).

...your husband complains that he's seen all the porn in your RE's office and wonders when they'll get new issue...and this doesn't faze you.

...you actually get excited over shots.

...when someone says what day is it to day and you start to answer CD whatever and have to catch yourself.

...you DH knows more about the your monthly cycle than your primary care Dr.

...everytime you go to the bathroom you check CM.

...you live you life 2 weeks at a time.

...you met your insurance deductible for the year...in your first month of testing with the RE.

...when you'd rather have an internal u/s RATHER than have bloodwork done.

... if you remember special events by what day of your cycle they fell on!

...when you see the letters IF, you think "infertility" and not "if".

...if you have forgotten a CD is also an actual object containing music, or a type of investment, and not just a date.

Oh, if only it weren't so true...

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

You asked for it...

Oh I feel so bad embarassing my sweet little Reilly like this, but everyone asked me to post this picture. And as Dr. Girlfriend coined the term, it's quite patharious (a combination of pathetic and hilarious). She's right! This is my foster (she's a Basenji puppy) and she's one of the sweetest dogs I have EVER met. I'm going to have a hard time giving her up when we find an adoptive family.

Here she is with doggie diaper on. As I posted before the little squirt got AF before I did so I had to put something on her and I had no way to affix my maxi pads. So off to Petco my DH went and came home with diapers that have the little hole cut out for the tail.

Doesn't it just make you smile? LOL.



Monday, November 5, 2007

AF paid my house a visit...but not to me...

For the love of all things good, you have got to be kidding me!

As I posted below, you can see that I’ve been fostering a little female dog. Well, she got her period yesterday. Now how unfair is that!! My little canine companion gets a visit from AF but she’s still MIA for the past 42 days for me!!!

I guess the AF gods were taking me a little too literally. When I said to pass AF on to my house, I should have specific her to visit ME and not my dog!!! GEESH!!!!!!!!

I'm still hoping to O in the next day or so. I'm charting my temp so I will know when it happens and then when I can expect AF. DH has been sick for days so there has been no BD'ing for us (ho hum). Not that I really think it would work for us, but my goodness I would love one more chance at doing it au naturale before I start my BCP for my FET. Maybe I can coerce him tonight? I'll load him up with NyQuil and just as he gets drowsy and weak, I'll pounce on him. LMAO.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

He breaks my heart

DH and I were watching Flags of our Fathers (is that what it's called??) and the end of the movie really got to him. It was the part when the father and son where in the hospital and talking about what kind of Father he had been.

DH lost it...tears coming down his face. All he could muster to say was "I just want to be somebody's Dad so badly." Then I lost it. It was heartbreaking. All I could think to say was "I'm doing everything in my power to try to make that happen for us."

Then we just held each other. This is really taking a toll on us, but I am so glad we're getting through this together. Some days are just worse than others, especially when something like that movie triggers emotions. I can see how IF and m/c can tear couples apart. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful man as my husband. I love him.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

One more checkmark on the list...saline SHG...done.

I had my saline sonohystogram today. Is that even what it's called? LOL. It was like a regular internal u/s but they put a balloon in my uterus first and then filled it with water. That hurt. I could feel my uterus expand and it was cramping up trying to resist it. That lasted for about 20 seconds and then it was over. They let the water out and I felt fine. Oh, but then my RE took the "duck lips" out and I swear it felt like he was trying to pull my cervix out! Apparently it had to come out before the cathetar/balloon came out so my cervix was dialted and the "duck lips" couldn't open any farther. OMG that was ridiculous. But it was all over pretty quickly and then I was perfectly fine to go back to work.

My results: everything is clear! All "products of conception" have passed and I should expect to O one day next week. I had a follie around 13 mm so we should have a nice sized target this month. Not that I have any real hopes for conceiving on our own, but it's nice to know my body went back to normal relatively quickly after my m/c.