Fun times in our house!!!

Big news in our house, we got a foster dog. We own a Basenji named Jimmy and I love the breed. I help out with the rescue group and fostered once this July. It was great, but I was so sad to see the dog go even though we only had him for a week. Plus he went to friends so we knew he was going to a great home. Anyway, we came across this female who was neglected, starving and abused by the two Chow’s the owner had. So they agreed to surrender her to be helped out. She and Jimmy hit it off instantly, running around the house and yard like total nuts! She’s a little peanut, I don’t think she’s even 10 pounds and you can still see her ribs and bones (it breaks my heart). Jimmy looks like a giant next to her. She gobbled up her food this morning and was like velcro to me. She just loves attention and is super spunky and super cute.

I can tell she’s going to have an ornery streak in her like Jimmy too. My MIL calls him “curious” but that is far too sweat of a word for the little bugger. I’m such a sucker for dogs!

She slept all curled up with us last night, and Jimmy used her as a pillow…they were adorable together, so sweet it could give you a cavity. LOL. So this has obviously cheered me up, but I know I’ll be sad when she gets adopted…if we don’t end up adopting her. Hee hee.

I attached a few pictures, but it’s hard to see her face while she’s gnawing that bone. I couldn’t get it away from her and I swear it weighs more than she does.

I am not alone.

I often feel that my DH doesn't think about our IF problems nearly as much as I do. Well, I know he doesn't. But he took me off guard this morning with an email. It just made me tear up at my desk. Partly b/c of how bad I feel about our situation, partly b/c I hate for him to feel sad, and partly b/c I know I'm not alone, and that even makes me sad.

This was his email:
"Just been thinking a lot about our “situation” and for some reason it’s really bumming me out.
I read an article in Field and Stream about a guy and his dad. Just their relationship and how it was rocky when he was young, and how through hunting together they found a common ground and that kept them from drifting apart as the son grew up. Just reminded me of me and my dad and how we always fish together. Kinda just bummed me out, that I may or may not have anyone I can teach how to fish. "

I think we are all guilty of leaving our DH's out of the situations we face. We feel that we need to carry the burden on our own. And since we are physically going through it all, then they don't really "get it" as much. But we have to realize they are very much part of what is going on and they deal with their sorrows in their own way. I know my DH wants so desperately to "fix" everything and it kills him that he can't. He wants more than anything for me to have our baby and his heart aches for me that he can't make that happen. And today I realize (I'm sure I've known all along) that there are things in his life that he would miss out on too if we are not blessed with a child. I think we have a tendency to be selfish with the self-pity but we're not alone in this...we're not the only one with broken hearts. We need to be there for each other, not just constantly leaning for support. We have to be supportive as well. And we have the strength to do it.

I saw my cervix on a TV screen.

I had my hysteroscopy yesterday. I was awake for the whole thing. Had everything been ok inside me, being awake would have been fine. It would have only taken about 2 minutes. BUT there was something in there and I wanted desperately to be knocked out.

They got me all set up on the chair in my RE’s office with a huge plastic bag thing under my bum. Then my RE brings this gadget towards me with a surgical steel “pipe” looking thing on the end. It was thinner than a chopstick and about twice as long. There was a tiny camera on the end of it. He turned it on and voila…my cervix was on the TV screen. I’ve never seen it before and I think I’m set for life to never see it again. LOL. So, in he goes. Ah, the beauty of the inside of my uterus :D It felt just like an IUI so nothing big. Well, as soon as he goes inside my uterus there is this clump of tissue the size of a big blueberry there. A-ha!! This could be what is causing my problems!!! 1. It’s blocking a good portion of my uterus so DH’s swimmers probably can’t swim past it. 2. Things like that can impede implantation and even cause m/c’s. So….then my RE inserts another long pipe thing. But this one has tiny spike looking things on the end (like you see on a dog collar or something). Then he proceeds to “mow” as he called it and I wanted to scream! It was so painful I had to ask him to stop mid-way through. He was scraping my lining trying to remove all that shouldn’t be there. I think that part lasted a long two minutes and the whole thing was under half an hour. Oh and this whole time the nurse is squirting saline up there so I can feel it drip out of me (into that huge plastic bad under my bum). That part felt like I was wetting myself. How lovely. Thank goodness my Mom was there (DH couldn’t make it). I was squeezing her hand so hard I left fingernail marks. Only a Mom would let you do that J

Now I’m not saying this to scare any of you away from this procedure, but I wanted to be honest so you knew what to expect. I would have loved if someone could have told me about it ahead of time, but everyone I knew was put to sleep for it (I’m so jealous!!).

Moral of the story…get knocked out whenever possible!! If nothing was there it would have been fine, but the whole “mowing” process was the most painful thing I’ve experienced in my entire TTC journey (and I’ve been through a lot!). Today I’m a bit crampy and just have an odd feeling in my abdomen. I had light flow yesterday and still spotting some this morning. They said my next period should be full of clots since they broke up a lot of the surface of my uterus.

I go back in a week for a saline SHG (I think that’s what I’m going back for anyway) and they’ll make sure everything is clear.

Author Unknown

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

I love my DH :-)

Finally, I’m in a great mood.

DH and I had a great weekend and he planned the whole thing. Friday night we had some wine, take-out and watched TV all night on the couch with Jimmy (our dog). It was so relaxing. I then slept the best night’s sleep I’ve had in almost 2 years. I didn’t budge all night long and slept in till 8:00. I’m usually awake by 6:30 on weekends (I hate that!). Then we hung around most of the day, reading, napping, and just chilling out together. Then we got ready to go out. We went to see a comedy show and then to an amazing Brazilian Steakhouse for dinner in Center City. It was an awesome night!!

On Sunday we took the train to NY to see “Grease”. It’s my all time favorite and I was thrilled to see it on Broadway. We had lunch at a nice Irish Pub and walked around the city for a while after the show. I got roasted peanuts from the vendor (still warm, yum!) and we each got $5 watches. They don’t say “Folex” or anything but they’re pretty good knock-offs. LOL.

We got in around 9:30 Sunday night, had some yummy KFC, and went to bed totally exhausted from our busy weekend.

It’s so good to be back among the Land of the Living!!!!

I have to acknowledge it.

I tried all day to get it out of my head, but I have to say it. Today is October 18th. Today would have been the beginning of our second trimester and I would have finally felt like we were in the “safe zone”. It was the day that as soon as I found out we were PG, I figured out this was the date and I focused on it for the five weeks we lived in the bliss of being PG. I was so looking forward to this day and yet it’s here and it means absolutely nothing to me anymore. Ten years and two days ago (October 16th 1997) was the day I was admitted to the hospital with ARDS and put into a coma for six weeks. In the future, I would like to hibernate for this week every year since mid-October is just not a good time for me. It’s a shame. I absolutely adore the Fall (the colors, the weather) and I’m beginning to dread it. I am very sad. Devastated.

One of those (bad) days...

I sent this email to a friend this morning and I thought it would make a good post. I just needed to get some feelings out and I know others feel this way. So here you go, you're not alone if you're in a sluky mood, too :D

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I pray that I forget all of this someday. Well I know I will never *forget*, but I hope I don't remember how painful it was. I don't want to remember all the details, either of the m/c or of the IVF. After this m/c when I started to pass stuff I just told DH that I wish I could get that picture out of my head. I hope to forget someday. If our God is as merciful as we think He is, He will let me forget it.

The weather was great around here this weekend; I just LOVE this time of year. However, It's supposed to be warmer and humid tomorrow and I know that will put me in a grumpy mood. I'll be sulking anyway since tomorrow would have been the date we moved to the "safe" zone of our second trimester. I wish I didn't have that date so prominent in my head but I was focused on that date for 8 weeks, it's now hard to forget.

I went to my therapist last night and I didn't feel like we accomplished a lot. She talked about stuff that I found totally irrelevant, but I'm hoping she knew what she was doing with her line of questions.

Geesh, I'm the driver of the pity-party bus today. Stay away if you're in a good mood!! LOL. Forget you read any of that and go on your merry way of having a good day.

I'll go self-medicate myself with an ice cream cone to cheer myself up :D

3 weeks ago today...

These three weeks have really flown by. I can't believe it's been that long since my m/c. I think I am doing very well emotionally. My spotting seems to have stopped (crossing my fingers) so I hope that means my body is progressing and getting over being PG. I go back this Friday for another beta and as always I'm praying that it's zero by then. That means then I'll have to sit around and wait a few more weeks until AF shows up, and then we start our FET protocol.

DH and I had a great weekend together. We're really re-connecting and it's been great for us. We were so absorbed by TTC and going to the RE that we lost focus on each other. All we talked about was TTC and all the procedures, so it's nice to chat over dinner about normal stuff. It's good to have this time before we start our FET, as much as I hate waiting, I think it's good for us to get our relationship back where it's not all about procreation. We're BD'ing just for the fun of it...haven't done that since Feb. 2006 and it's awesome!!

I so needed this...

DRUNK SEX.

Last night was our 4th anniversary and we had a great time. I made a great pasta dinner, we went through almost 2 magnums of wine, watched our wedding video (our tradition on our anniv.) and laughed for hours. I haven’t been that drunk since our last anniversary…RE says not to drink while doing fertility treatments. With the addition of not having sex since two days before our last IVF cycle (in August) -- it was so awesome!!! DH and I really needed to re-connect like that again and being drunk just made it so much fun. LOL.

And for those of you that emailed me asking what was in the little blue box…Tiffany’s Elsa Peretti’s Eternal Circle pendant & necklace. I love it!!

To my lovely ladies on The Next PG Loss board...

In reading all the posts here I feel so proud of all of us. We have been through so much, and yet we have the ability to carry on, sometimes with such little time since our loss. I am amazed at the gracious and kind advice constantly being passed around. This is an amazing bunch of women. Strong. Courageous. Gutsy. Intelligent. The list goes on.

It is so interesting how there can be serious posts, full of sympathies, encouragement and advice; and then there are the ranting/venting posts that we need sometimes to just get the thoughts out of our own heads. And we are all there cheering the poster on and giving support in whatever way they need it. Anything goes here. There is never too much “TMI” and we are as frank as necessary to get a clear picture of what we are going through, and what we can expect as we heal. There is no room for embarrassment as we have all been through this and we are the only people who can truly understand what the others are going through.

I just wanted to say that I am so glad to have found this board and you all have helped me a great deal and I hope I can be as helpful and supportive to those that post here!

And then I woke up.

Saturday morning I woke and was in a fantastic mood. DH and I had a great Friday night; I slept like a log, and slept in until I was ready to get out of bed. And had a great day. And that was that. It was like a switch went off in my head. I was done crying. I was done sulking. I was done feeling sorry for myself. I had my old attitude back, and DH was thrilled to have me. We had a great weekend, reconnecting like we so desperately needed to. I’m ready to move on.

I'm 14 days past my m/c and my hCG for today is 194 so I still have another week or so until it’s down to zero. There is nothing I can do about it so I’m going on with my life. It feels great to take back that control. I hope I can continue it when days get rough, but for now I’m doing the best I have in a long time.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountain (singing Indigo Girls in my head)...

I went for my first visit with a counselor last night. Although it was a very rough hour, I’m so glad I went. She started off going through my life history, which was fine, but then we got to the reason I was there. Without saying a word I got choked up, teary-eyed and couldn’t speak. She let me take all the time I needed to actually get the words out. She was very caring and motherly, which is great for me. She was pretty much in shock that I had just had my 2nd m/c ten days ago and was able to talk so well about it already.

She helped me realize just how consumed my life has been with my TTC journey over the past 20 months. I knew that I was obsessed, but I guess just in the back of my head, and to actually admit to it was very difficult. She helped me with seeing that I need to do things for myself and it’s natural and normal for me to find it difficult to be around PG women and babies. She said it is fine to remove myself from those situations if I find them too difficult. The goal is not to alienate myself, but there is no sense is punishing myself even more by forcing a smile when I clearly am heartbroken inside. She said we’ll work on areas on how to turn my brain off so that I’m not constantly thinking about TTC or my 2 m/c’s. I’m a “thinker” and that is SO hard for me to just NOT think about TTC.

One other thing she helped me realize is that I’ve never really had to deal with loss. In my eyes, I have only had one great loss… I had lost my grandmother when I was 18 (we were close, she always lived with us) but she had been sick for years and I had been preparing for the worst all that time. She was to the point where we were glad she was not suffering any more so it was easier to deal with. Plus, I had just started college so I was wrapped up in a busy life to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have that now. It’s like I eat, sleep and breath TTC and my IF struggles. My life has become consumed by that and my scheduling is all around when I have to be at my RE’s office, especially during IVF cycles when I’m there every three days. All of my friends and family are having babies so I am constantly reminded about the fact that I don’t have a baby (yet!). I have never had anything in my life that I was unable to attain. I guess my control-freak and goal-oriented nature has not been able to deal with the fact that I just cannot make this happen. There is nothing more I can do and that drives me insane.

Ok, now I’m rambling J I just wanted to share how helpful I thought it was, even for my first visit. I go back in 10 days so hopefully I’ll be able to cry less so that we can accomplish more. LOL. Anyway, if any of you are contemplating speaking with someone about your struggles or your loss, I would highly recommend it.

Trying to cope.

So it was a week ago yesterday that I found out I would m/c. I'm still bleeding and cramping. Of course, I'm very sad too. I cry at the drop of a hat. My DH has been wonderful...bringing me flowers, making dinner, doing the dishes, doing laundry, everything. He's amazing and is trying his best to keep my spirits up. He's even been watching Dancing with the Stars with me...which he HATES to watch. It's great to have such a support when I'm so down. He always seems to know just when I need a nice cup of hot chocoate too, I couldn't ask for a sweeter husband :-)

I went to my RE yesterday and my u/s showed that my uterus has pretty much cleaned itself out. I still have a lining so I should expect to bleed for a few more days...oh what fun. I got my b/w results this moring and my hCG is now 1,333 (down from 66,000 last Monday). We're heading in the right direction but I'm guessing it will still be another week until it's down to zero. That just means I should expect AF to arrive a week later than I had thought. And that pushes my FET back to mid-December. I know it's not an awful amount of time but the thought of going through that during the Christmas season gives me mixed emotions.

First off, I had my IUI then last year that gave me my first ever BFP. It was an AWESOME Christmas. Maybe those great Christmas vibes will be with me again this year?? But then I had my first m/c over New Years...that blew. So if this FET doesn't work around Christmas this year I fear I will be forever jaded. And Christmas if my favorite time of the year. I'm like my Mom, we go nuts during the holiday season. We love to decorate, bake and visit all of our family. Well, hopefully my positive attitude during the holiday season will help me keep the stress at bay so my little one(s) can stick!!

Phew, that went on a bit too long. If you're still here, thanks for reading all of that! LOL.